Queer Thoughts in a Queer world

One Homosexual's Musings...

If you were wondering, I am indeed the homosexual in question, musing about life, love, and other mysteries.My name is Will Dozier: a millennial approaching his 40th year who continues to grow into the flames of his own faggotry. An adult whose inner child owns half of this company. A traveler of the mind who revels in worlds of fantasy while existing in the modern. A bleeding heart constantly pressing against the confines of its jaded retreat. An introvert that both craves and abhors the spotlight. A son of August who rails against the heat of the sun and longs for more cold embraces.Don't worry, I can make a less flowery case for myself.I'm a Georgia peach, born and raised. I grew up with a love for disappearing into the fictional worlds I would read about in books and trek through in video games, movies, and television. A plumber and his adventures in the Mushroom Kingdom defined my upbringing, and created the love of a controller in my hand. I danced on front porches with friends to the music that defined our youth. The music and the dancing remain a staple of my days, even if front porch performances are fewer and farther between than I'd like to admit.Now I'm a maturing homosexual with an immature streak who seeks to use the written word to express myself, whether through creative stories and poems springing from my head or think pieces that are attempts to make sense of my runaway train of thoughts. Showcasing my opinions and reactions to the latest music, films, series, and games (not to mention global state of affairs) allows me to speak to current moments and recurring themes alike, and define my voice. I want to grow into a career making stories come to life. This site is my safe haven where I get to bring you, the reader, along with me on that journey.From blogging about my latest video game obsessions or binge-worthy television to crafting brand new stories and poems, you'll be able to find a wide array here to lose yourself in. I'm always open to new things to explore through my writing, so make sure to leave comments if you like to shape the next piece.

Creative Works

Image via Sony Interactive Entertainment

• Poetry
• Stories

Short Stories

Image: "Ophelia", Sir John Everett Millais, 1851-1852

• Persephone, In The Mourning

• Sorrows, Prayers

• A Date With Destiny

Persephone, In The Mourning

Will Sedwick Dozier

• Top
• Short Stories

Sorrows, Prayers

Will Sedwick Dozier

• Top
• Short Stories

A Date with Destiny

Will Sedwick Dozier

• Top
• Short Stories

Poetry

Image: "The Artist's House Seen from the Rose Garden", Claude Monet, 1922-1924

pockets full of posies

Pin Cushion

Ygrainne

Starlight

I Floated

Hungry, Not Thirsty

They Move Forward

Me, A Tree

Weary Runner

once a one

hummingbird heart

You and I

In The Land of Canaan

Stockholm Love

Our Melody

• Top
• Creative Works

articles & reviews

• Gaming
• Music
• Books
• Film & TV

film & television

• Marvel Cinematic Universe
• La Pitchoune: Cooking in France
• Nimona

Nimona (2023)

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 26, 2023

La Pitchoune: Cooking in France (2022)

Will Sedwick Dozier || June 28, 2023

La Pitchoune: Cooking in French is a property of Magnolia Network (Chip and Joanna Gaines; Warner Bros.; Discovery), and you can watch all episodes on Hulu.If you're interested in learning more about La Pitchoune, the Courageous Cooking School, and the team who run it, you can visit their website. Check out cooking school openings, vacation rental availability, and even their online merch shop.

Marvel Cinematic Universe

• Captain America: The First Avenger

captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Will Sedwick Dozier || June 26, 2023

Artwork by Mark Brooks

Books

• Mexican Gothic
• The Once and Future Witches

the once and future witches (2020)
Alix Harrow

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 14, 2023

Mexican Gothic (2020)
Silvia Moreno-Garcia

Will Sedwick Dozier || June 1, 2023

Video Games

Image: Screenshot from "No Man's Sky", Hello Games Ltd., 2016

• Mass Effect
• Final Fantasy X Remake
• Diablo IV
• Marvel's Spider-Man
• Kena: Bridge of Spirits

Mass Effect

Will Sedwick Dozier || August 4, 2023

"It's so much easier to see the world in black and white. Gray? I don't know what to do with gray..."
- Garrus VakarianWe have come together today to discuss not just one game but the Mass Effect series as a whole because I can't just focus on a single title when the entire franchise has been such a wild, exhilarating, heart wrenching ride.Following Shepard - whether the male or female option - as they fought, often times hopelessly, to stave off the Reapers and their impending galactic invasion was both traumatizing and thrilling. Watching as Ryder - again, either male or female - explored uncharted stars and encountered frontier obstacles through a science fiction lens was beautiful and terrifying. I loved every single minute, just like the hundreds of rave reviews and in spite of the both valid and harsh critiques.The first Mass Effect debuted back in 2007, in a world where I probably would've never picked it up. I tend to be hesitant about shooters, including FPS (first person shooters) which you can technically do within the game. They're just not my cup of tea, not the least due to my aversion to firearms in real life. So I never came across the original game, or its acclaimed sequel Mass Effect 2 or the riveting conclusion to the trilogy Mass Effect 3 until I was almost finishing college, circa 2010-2011.I was (briefly) living with a friend who kept their consoles out in the living room and gave me free reign with them. On them I found the second and third games waiting for me and I decided to try them out. I didn't know I'd become addicted to them...but I most certainly did.I didn't play the games much at all after that, but in the interim BioWare, the parent company of the franchise, brought Mass Effect: Andromeda to the world in 2017, to mixed reception. I personally found the completely new story refreshing and endlessly fascinating. Getting to explore an entirely new galaxy with brand new villains, allies, and worlds? When the Legendary Edition of the original trilogy dropped in 2021 I was finally able to play the original game along with the other two for the first time in years, and somehow it all came full circle.

I think one of the things that makes the games so addictive is the vast, diverse, and incredibly moving cast of characters. They're not all the best, morally, but that's part of the charm to me. Most of them live somewhere in the gray, which obviously Garrus detests: each of them lean one way or another, paragons of justice and right or renegades against strictures of morality, but whether through circumstance beyond the player's control or due to their direct actions, they have crises that force them to either double down or reevaluate their beliefs, their paradigms.Now, everyone has their favorite companions and there's no right or wrong answers. ...Well, that's not entirely true, you can absolutely be wrong.For me, my favorites are a small group: Garrus Vakarian reigns supreme to me, the constant romance and best friend all rolled up into one; Thane Krios is an incredibly close second, so dark and mysterious and alluring and soulful; Tali'Zorah is the best girl, with spirit for days and a story which wrenches your inside the entire way along; and then there's Grunt, who for me at least, embodies both the son I never knew I needed and the romance option I have yet to be afforded because they won't let us hook up with Krogans in the games. The cowards.Whichever companions you choose to gravitate towards, all of their stories make up the breath of the games, giving lift to the main stories which are weighty and dire. Of course if the games were nothing but heavy issues following one after the other it would be a definite downer of an experience, and it's the humor that is injected along the way in these small gems of moments which achieve a fantastic balance. I mean, the entire Citadel DLC for Mass Effect 3 is this madcap side adventure which, while being an interesting mission in and of itself, is this hilarious slice of life episode amidst the cosmic chaos. The side mission in Andromeda which culminates in a movie night aboard the ship as a way for the crew to destress and bond? Incredibly charming and funny.If I look back at the games of Mass Effect and the countless times I've played through them, I think I come back so often because there's something cathartic in the timeless struggle against insurmountable odds. Whether in the Milky Way or Andromeda the thrill of succeeding when so much is stacked against you is addictive. Plus so many times success or victory comes at costs that may or may not seem worth it, which is such a thought-provoking wrinkle. You choose the manner in which you push through the trials in front of you, sometimes fully aware of the collateral damage you'll cause and other times totally in the dark. That unknown is what makes the ride so cathartic and so memorable, a ride worth taking over and over.

final fantasy x:
remake rumors & reminiscing

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 10, 2023

There are certain moments in life that become seminal: events or items that color and influence all that comes after it. For me and my passion for video games, Final Fantasy X will forever be one of those defining moments.It's around 2002, and I'm on my way out of high school and into college. (That journey would not go as planned, but that's a story for another time.) I've got a PlayStation2 and I happen to pick up one of the first Final Fantasy titles I would ever play. More than two decades later (ouch) that title - Final Fantasy X - still remains one of my favorite titles of all time.The Final Fantasy series has been around since the late 1980s, and each new title brings with it a brand new world full of novel adventures, characters, and blends of fantasy and science fiction. Final Fantasy X brought players to the watery world of Spira, where all denizens of the myriad islands are stuck in a truly vicious cycle of life and death.Over 1,000 years before the events of the game, two major city-states - Bevelle and Zanarkand - fought a world-altering war with each other. Zanarkand was a nation of summoners: people who could call on spirits from the beyond or those of the dearly departed (either generally known as the Fayth) to weave incredible magic. Bevelle, on the other hand, eschewed the arcane in search of technological advancements and superiority through constructions called machina. The two were diametrically opposed to each other and both sought the righteous destruction of their rival. Zanarkand, for all it's magical might, was losing the fight against the mechanized forces of Bevelle; or it was, until Yu Yevon.Yu Yevon, a summoner of unparalleled power, eventually reaches for heretofore unseen extremes to protect his homeland, and in doing so unleashes its doom: Sin. Creatures of unfathomable energy and power called Aeons were the tools of summoners, and Yu Yevon called upon incredibly deep pools of the Fayth to summon the monstrous being known only as Sin. It was meant as a force to be used to level Bevelle, but instead it ushered in the ultimate destruction of Zanarkand and became the bane of all of Spira. As you play FFX, you see Sin a number of times and despite those repeated encounters you never find yourself immune to it's awe-inspiring terror and beauty. It's massive, and horrifying, and somehow unutterably sad all at the same time. In the pantheon of Final Fantasy villains and creatures, Sin sits high in the hierarchy.

The demolished Zanarkand held previous little life behind, but one summoner - Yunalesca - remained to try and rectify the terror that Yu Yevon had unleashed. She was able to summon her own powerful Aeon and defeated Sin itself, except Yu Yevon himself warped her victory and turned it into a seemingly never-ending cycle. Yu Yevon, now essentially an undead spirit refusing to release his grip on the living realm, wrests control of Yunalesca's Aeon from her and from its form he reshapes Sin and gives it new life. From then until our main characters' modern day, summoners would train and journey to accrue their own immensely powerful Aeons, sacrificing one of them to enact the Final Summoning and essentially seeding Sin's rebirth even as they defeated it. They and their guardians would die in the process; Sin would return again and again to wreak havoc and destruction across Spira. Death is essentially a resented yet revered constant for everyone.It's against this backdrop that we meet and journey with the main characters of FFX: Yuna, a burgeoning summoner bent on journeying to the ruins of fabled Zanarkand and defeating Sin for one and for all; Wakka, a Blitzball player (the foremost sport and entertainment in Spira, like soccer and rugby but underwater) and devout guardian; Lulu, a dark beauty with incredible black magical powers; Kimahri, a Ronso warrior adrift from his tribe but dedicated to his young charge; Auron, a mysterious warrior who seeks to right wrongs left uncorrected; and Rikku, the spunky Al Bhed tinkerer seeking to end a lengthy, deadly spiral.These are all individuals who have complex, complicated relationships to each other, and all of them become inextricably meshed together, not to mention embroiled in a tiny bit of religious heresy - due to the arrival of Tidus.A moment is needed to meditate on how to actually pronounce his name. For years and years, I pronounced the "i" in his name like I would in the word "high." It even makes a certain sense that way: Spira is nothing but islands surrounded by endless water, so having the "tides" represented in the protagonist's name just seems natural to me. However... Certain promotions for the game, as well as instances where the character appeared in other various Final Fantasy crossover titles, saw his name pronounced with the "i" sounding more like "ee," as in "tee hee."...For whatever it's worth, I will always pronounce it like "high" instead of "ee." Fight me, fellas.

From left to right: Wakka; Auron, Lulu, Yuna, Rikku, Tidus, and Kimahri

Tidus, a Blitzball hotshot, doesn't really belong in this present day Spira: we find out through the story that he is actually a "dream of the Fayth." The fallen denizens of Zanarkand, frozen forever to feed the powers of the summoners of the future, constantly dream of the world they once inhabited and this almost fey-like reality sits in an alternate space from the real world. This is the world Tidus hails from, and he's been ripped from it in the hopes that he can be a catalyst to finally end the Sin cycle once and for all.Who's done this, and why? Auron. A former guardian to Yuna's summoner father, Auron is himself a spirit clinging to life because he has business yet unresolved. He's somehow able to traverse the dream of the Fayth and pluck Tidus from it into Spira proper, thereby orchestrating the party we, as the players, eventually manage along the journey.The trials and tribulations of this rag tag bunch pulls at your heartstrings more and more as you progress through the story, and nothing does more than the budding relationship between Tidus and Yuna. At the beginning you see Tidus as more world-wise and Yuna as this naïve optimist, yet as you progress you begin to see the cracks in Tidus' world and witness the very mature, harrowing truth Yuna has been facing even before we start her journey. These two fall in love in a very innocent, pure way which only makes learning the truth of Yu Yevon - now synonymous with the reigning religion of Spira - and of Tidus all the more heartbreaking. Their love is tested and strengthened despite the fact that they know they're destined to be parted, potentially forever.

No matter how many times I've played the game and it's HD remaster which was released in 2013, the story grips me and doesn't let go. At this point I've dipped my feet into a number of other Final Fantasy titles, and even with how good they've been, none of them have compared to Final Fantasy X. It's amazing and a little funny how often in the Final Fantasy franchise the player finds themselves on a path to fight God, but never as clearly as you experience in FFX. It happens to be one of my favorite tropes, too. Whether that started before the game or because of it, I'm still not certain.Lately a number of Final Fantasy titles have been receiving remakes, or engendering a ton of discussion over whether or not it should get one. FFX is just the latest to have the remake rumors swirl around it, and I've been having an internal struggle over that reality.An "insider" within the Final Fantasy community has correctly predicted remakes and remasters over the past few years, and they are the source for the Final Fantasy X rumors. Their track record lends a fair amount of weight and credibility to the possibility of a remake of one of my favorite games ever. And if I'm honest, that makes me a bit scared.This is a prized piece of nostalgia to me, from a formative period in my life. What if, in remaking the game for a more current day and audience, it loses the magic that it had? That would absolutely crush me. As with any remake - whether in video games or movies or television - there's a fear of somehow ruining that core memory you made. At the same time, I've seen so much success with gaming remakes in the immediate past. Prime example here would be the Final Fantasy VII remake(s) that have been done and are continuing in installments. I had never played the original game before, and experiencing this new version which was even more immersive than the original was invigorating. The same story was modernized and facets you recognized from the original were able to blossom and be more fully realized.The more I think about it, the more excited I get despite any fears. There are so many ways that the turn-based gameplay can be updated or improved for today's favorite mechanics. The side content, like Blitzball or chocobo racing (grumble grumble) can be made more accessible and even more entertaining. The intricate grinding for ultimate weapons could be expanded, and hopefully removed from behind absolutely aggravating content. (This last one is a high hope, since Final Fantasy in general is known for loving to infuriate their players. Schadenfreude at its best.)At this moment, the general rumored date for the FFX remake is 2026, so there's still time either for the rumors to get squashed or for Square Enix to officially confirm its existence. With so many other titles receiving official remakes and remasters, I'd be thoroughly surprised if this was just wishful thinking making the rounds. I'll still be cautious about it, though: this is one of my babies, one of my precious favorites that means so much to me. I can be tentatively optimistic. The idea of seeing Tidus and Yuna's harrowing and beautiful love story, played out before such a sweeping, majestic struggle for survival and identity, updated with today's graphics? The idea almost makes me want to cry.But Tidus wouldn't want me to be sad. So instead, I'll take his advice and just laugh."Ha ha ha ha...ha ha ha ha!"

diablo iv

Will Sedwick Dozier || June 19, 2023

Ah shit. Here we go again.As we make our return to Blizzard’s popular horror title series with Diablo IV, the poor saps of humanity who call Sanctuary home are once again threatened by a primordial evil traipsing around and plotting the overthrow of their cosmic nemeses, heedless of (or, in some previous cases, reveling in) the destruction it will cause along the way. They really cannot seem to catch a break. We, the wanderers of the world, will answer the call to action anew, though, because…well simply because we’re gluttons for punishment, apparently.If you’re new to Diablo and the universe it exists in, you very well may be utterly confused so let’s see if I can get you caught up to speed. Let’s turn our ancient tomes to page 666 and get started…

The basic framework of this universe is that there are two opposing forces constantly seeking to defeat the other and control reality: the angelic forces of the High Heavens and the demonic hordes of the Burning Hells. Routinely throughout the series, we as the players find ourselves called upon to take on herculean acts to stop the hellish abominations from wiping out humanity. “Oh, traveler, please save us from these horrors straight from your nightmares!” I mean, sure, why not? We’ve got nothing better to do and should be able to handle that with ease. Right?The Prime Evils - a trio of brothers consisting of eldest Mephisto, middle child Baal, and baby Diablo - are the terrible antagonists who we’re set against time and time again. Whether they’re threatening to corrupt and destroy the town of Tristram from beneath it’s venerable cathedral (Diablo), vying to unleash themselves from imprisonment and tear down the world (Diablo II), or secretly working to absorb each other and the Lesser Evils and go rip apart the High Heavens themselves (Diablo III), it’s these three troublemakers who we’re normally clashing with. (For any uber-fans of the series and its lore, I am well aware that this is a gross oversimplification of the story of Sanctuary and the Eternal Conflict but I am one man and do not have the time to summarize the entire thing. So shut it.)A new player has entered the chat in the latest addition to this hellish series: Lilith, the Daughter of Hatred. This boss ass bitch happens to be the daughter of Mephisto, the Lord of Hatred (ah see, tied that together nicely), as well as the mother of Sanctuary. She and a rogue angel named Inarius grew tired of the constant fighting and decided to stick it to the man, be he divine or unholy, and perform a bit of grand larceny. They stole something called the Worldstone, which governs the powers of creation and reality which both angels and demons coveted, and stole away to a hidden realm where they made the world in which humanity now resides. Now, much happens between then and now, including the two of them giving birth to humanity’s predecessors, the Nephalem, Inarius banishing Lilith to the void because he thought she was crazy for wanting to destroy both the angels and demons and be Queen of Everything, and the Heavens and Hells discovering Sanctuary but calling an eventual truce with each other to watch how this little experiment would play out. Oh, and the Hells demanded Inarius as a prisoner as part of that deal. Just some little, unimportant things, really.So fast forward to now. Somehow Lilith has returned to Sanctuary, with the aid of some albino stranger named Elias, and she’s fully prepared to continue her plan to throw down the angels and her fellow demons and become the HBiC of creation. (Head Bitch in Charge.) We are once again wanderers who stumble our way into a hero’s journey against her schemes because of course we would. We’re off to the races again, people!Now, I really don’t want to go much into the story because I always prefer people experience that themselves; however, I do have some thoughts on it now that I’ve made my way through.First and foremost I find Lilith to be an amazing and complex character. She’s absolutely not a force for good; in fact, at least one character in the story says this outright even while extolling her point of view. This mother of all succubi wants to be the next Supreme (shout out to AHS: Coven, the best season of that series; fight me) by completely eliminating the forces of the Heavens and the Hells. The Eternal Conflict is a prison for all of them, she believes, and by supplanting both of the ancient rivals she can break that wheel and free herself and her children: humanity. She’s willing to do whatever it takes to accomplish this but she is constantly seeking to convert her wayward spawn along the way. There’s this genuine care within her that you can feel within her actions and motivations. What makes her such a compelling villain is that she causes you to question if you’re truly fighting on the right side. The endless fighting, destruction, and death will continue into the future, so why wouldn’t we seek a way to disrupt it as she is? Why wouldn’t we take up our weapon in her service instead of against it? There is nothing in her actions that says she would be a benevolent ruler - in fact everything points towards the opposite outcome - but you’re left pondering whether she might have the right answer to the situation over and over.

The trajectory of the story, and the emotional beats it manages to hit, are superbly done. I mean, you expect some pretty fucked up things to happen within Diablo content, but there are some real gut punches that are expertly woven into the quests with perfect timing and impact. As mentioned above, I’m not a official keeper of lore when it comes to the Diablo universe, so I don’t know if this latest installment retcons anything that came before it - Diablo III had a number of accusations leveled against it for playing fast and loose with previously established elements - but I was left very satisfied after completing the campaign. Like most of its predecessors, there is an epilogue that raises questions for the future hell to come, but I am a very big fan of ambiguity which can lead to fresh content.Of course, as with the other titles, finishing the story doesn’t mean the game is actually over. A good majority of gameplay in any Diablo title, and definitely in Diablo IV, is mastering the grind for better gear and enduring tougher and tougher levels of abuse as you climb difficulty settings. Tier I and II are for base game, and once the campaign is finished and you’ve completed the first capstone dungeon you begin to unlock tiers III and IV, or Nightmare and Torment, respectively. If you think your character takes a beating in either of the first two settings then be prepared for a shock in these upper echelons. The enemies run faster and hit way harder in exchange for super amounts of experience and increased loot drops, with the gear including drastically better stats. This is the main meat of the game: running content over and over to max out your character’s level and obtain the best gear and weapons for the build you crafted.Each class that you can currently run - barbarian, rogue, druid, necromancer, or sorcerer - has a skill tree where you can apply level points in order to gain access to various abilities and buffs. You basically play something of an alchemist with your chosen wanderer’s essence, finding what mechanics work best for how you like to play and maximizing your damage output and incoming damage defense. There’s really no right or wrong answer. Sure, you can find tons of players who tout a “broken” build which can curb stomp enemies with very little effort, and you can simply copy and paste if you want. I never have a problem trying out what someone else has found success with, but I often have more fun finding my own rhythm with my builds. Makes it feel more my own, and more natural to play.If there’s any gripe to be found in Diablo IV, I’d say it’s the online-based gameplay. You don’t necessarily have to play with others if you want: you can run through Sanctuary solo if that’s your vibe. Multiplayer mode is easily accessed on either PC, PlayStation (4 or 5), or Xbox (One or X/S) if you prefer to grab some friends and throw yourself against the hordes of abominations together. Either path you choose, however, Diablo IV is entirely web-based, meaning your internet connection and the current status of the Blizzard servers will be impacting your experience whether you’re alone or in a group. That has lead to some pretty frustrating, if at times hilarious, moments for me and many others thus far in our adventures. The character rubber-banding and stagnation, as well as freezing, has been happening far too often for my liking, and I absolutely admit to more than a couple of evenings where I’ve let the exasperation take hold and just closed the game down entirely rather than bash my head against a wall in frustration. As someone who’s semi-secure in my technological knowledge I can’t say whether it’s the game and its servers causing this most of the time or if my internet has been wonky, but I know enough to guess it’s more likely the former than the latter.There’s also been grumbling among the player base since the game’s release about the heavy class nerfing Blizzard has been doing since launch. It definitely feels like the developers are actively working to make sure players can’t break the game and craft unstoppable characters, which, let’s be honest, is the bulk of the fun for a lot of gamers. I myself do enjoy finding myself in god mode from time to time, but I’m not skilled enough to routinely do so.

Those grinded gears aside, I’m thoroughly happy with Diablo IV and Lilith’s proper advent into the franchise. I think more casual gamers (of whose numbers I do consider myself) often shy away from Diablo titles because of the punishing gameplay, especially in higher tiers, but in my view they really shouldn’t avoid it based on that kind of fear. The game truly can scale to the level each individual is comfortable with, and the enthralling story, huge map and tons of content (side quests, achievements, PvP, and other activities) make Diablo IV well worth the purchase and the price. But beware the cost in terms of your sanity and your sleep: you’ll place the controller down and realize hours, even days have gone by while you quested for that last level or that perfect piece of equipment. Happily sleep deprived, you’ll do it all over again the next day. That’s just the power, the allure of Lilith at work.

marvel's spider-man

Will Sedwick Dozier || May 30, 2023

Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Doing whatever a Spider-Man can
Am I looking at your bulge?
Yes I am, because I can
Look out!
Here comes the Spider-Man*

So let's get this out of the way:
I totally agree with you, I should be an award-winning songwriter. I mean, just look at the material!More importantly, I have finally caught up with the majority of you. I have delved into the title that some declared the Game of the Year for 2018: Marvel's Spider-Man.I'll preface this by saying that although I really love superheroes in general I cannot say that I'm the biggest aficionado when it comes to confirmed lore, or what people consider canon or not. I just enjoy them and the stories they create around themselves, and Spider-Man is no exception. I...uh...may also greatly enjoy the tight-fitting costumes these superheroes tend to don in order to save their respective cities or planets, and I'll simply note here that Spidey's costumes in this game will leave very little to the imagination. Well, maybe they actually give the imagination free range to run wild, if you will. Either way, if that's a nice incentive for you, keep reading.Spider-Man takes the well-known NYC crime fighter and places him within a crisis of conscience; a crisis of self; and a crisis of survival. Essentially, the webslinger must find a way to make himself greater than he has been to meet the moments that find him within the game, and he has to do this through both loss and letting go.

"Loss" and "letting go" may, at first glance, be similar, but they are actually very different in this instance. Loss is an involuntary act that happens to our wall-crawling hero, while the process of letting go is done by them and is entirely of their own will. They're both equally painful and traumatic, but it's these gut punches that open Spider-Man up to growth that can make him equal to the dilemmas swirling around him.New York - the home of Peter Parker, Mary Jane Watson, and even vociferous Spider-Man critic J. Jonah Jameson - is always a playground for various costumed villains, but in Spider-Man (2018) our hero is faced with nemeses whose origins and existence hit at the heart of who Peter, or Spider-Man, believes himself to be, or at least the ideal that he's sought to achieve. Childhood idols, paragons of virtue, even trusted friends warp into twisted shadows of themselves and force Spider-Man to confront how strong his sense of right and wrong can truly be. [This is true both in the main story and in the three-part DLC "The City That Never Sleeps".]The game's story has amazing pacing as the missions follow one after another, and I found that I was forcing myself to slow down for fear of finishing before I was ready. This kind of dark and almost torturous series of scenarios constantly build the drama and encourage the player forward, and give an incredibly satisfying ending replete with some open-ended threads that hint at future adventures. We love ambiguous endings in this household, it's such an amazing feeling! ...Which, I guess makes sense with the "Amazing Spider-Man."That was good. You can't deny that was good. Nice job, me. Very nice job.

The great thing about this game's formula is there are tons of side content that both entertain and help you beef up your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man for the fights ahead. Many side quests involve familiar faces: other villains or heroes that are reminders of the never-ending litany of problems poor Peter Parker must juggle in addition to his own daily "normal" life. They make for great content, however, and I think that's because part of the allure of Spider-Man and other superhero titles like it is the cast of characters itself. You want to see these individuals make appearances and feel that rush of seratonin as you say out loud: "Oh! Oh, that's what's his face! Oh my God, they put what's his face in this too?!"If you're asking what other superhero game titles I'm referencing, by the way, look no further than the acclaimed Batman Arkham series. Batman: Arkham Asylum (2009), Batman: Arkham City (2011), and Batman: Arkham Knight (2015) are just a few which are clear precursors and influences for this Spider-Man title. The game pacing, the varied and plentiful side content: the connections are clear and, for this gaymer, absolutely welcome since I love those Batman games for their gameplay as well. With maybe one exception that Marvel's Spider-Man managed to take to heart...

There are a few side quests which I will lovingly call "the bane of my existence," but would probably be better known as skill challenges. These are activities, set by such lovely characters as Taskmaster or Screwball, respectively, where the game tests how well the player is mastering or has mastered the various gameplay mechanics: in Marvel's Spider-Man these can range from the web-assisted acrobatics you use to traverse Manhattan, to the array of tech gadgets you can bring to bear against your enemies, as well as how good the player can be at avoiding damage or inflicting it.Now I never make any assumptions of god-tier gaming abilities. In fact, I tend to avoid high difficulty settings on most of the games that I play because I know my own skill level well enough. I like a challenge - everything doesn't need to be a cake walk - but I really don't like flinging my controller across the room in frustration. It's alarming to anyone else within my household, plus a tax on the wallet when you realize you have to replace that damaged controller...Anyway, these skill challenges are very annoying for me because I tend to get to a certain level of "good" with the mechanics so I can manage my way through the game. These quests require you achieve a certain level of mastery - which I tend not to have, admittedly - in order to garner the most reward from them, and the rewards tend to be resources you use to unlock skill or gadget upgrades or new suits you can outfit Spider-Man in. As a completionist gaymer, it sticks in my craw when those things, which are most often tied to achievements, are locked behind these quests. I'm not up all night cursing them to the heavens...but sometimes I could see myself doing just that.Despite my vehement dislike for those quests, Marvel's Spider-Man just did not disappoint. From the captivating story to the addicting challenges and amazing interactive gameplay, it's a fantastic experience. Game of the Year was bandied about from numerous gaming publications, and the same accolade is preemptively being rumored for it's sequel which is set to release later in 2023.(We also can't overlook 2020's stand alone companion game, Marvel's Spider-Man: Miles Morales. I haven't played this title yet, but I definitely want to experience Miles' story before the sequel makes it's way to me. It received some mixed reviews from fans, mainly because of it's length: total gameplay time was noticeably shorter than Marvel's Spider-Man, causing some to name the game a glorified DLC. Despite this, it also received a number of accolades and awesome reviews.)If you've been living under a rock like yours truly, I highly recommend taking a trip to NYC with *Marvel's Spider-Man" and experience the exhilarating adventure for yourself. From start to finish, this web-based escapade will not disappoint.

Kena: Bridge of spirits

Will Sedwick Dozier || March 11, 2022

For many of us, grief is an inescapable reality of life. Dealing with loss is a difficult journey to take and many of us take years to complete it, if we ever truly do. It's rare to come across a story that can deftly express how it affects us in different ways, and how to move through it; even more so in a video game.

"Kena: Bridge of Spirits" (developed and published by Ember Labs for PlayStation and PC in 2021) happens to be a visually beautiful game that takes the player on both a literal journey to save a decimated village and a figurative journey through the grief the villagers have left behind. When I stumbled upon the title in the PlayStation Store back in the summer of 2021, I simply thought it was a really pretty adventure experience, similar in gameplay and animation to what I associated with, say, the "Ratchet & Clank" franchise.Once I began my playthrough upon its release in September of 2021, however, I quickly realized that the story of Kena - a young spirit guide seeking the Mountain Shrine for deeper knowledge to follow in her father's footsteps - would be a series of gut punches as I maneuvered her through the shadowed environs surrounding the seemingly abandoned village at the base of the imposing mount.

The actual gameplay does, indeed, take me back to my PlayStation2 days with the original Ratchet & Clank or Jak & Daxter titles popular during that generation. You have this lush and mysterious environment to explore, but areas are sealed off until meeting certain requirements or defeating specific enemies first. Along the way you are aided by tiny spirits called Rot, which can coalesce at your direction and perform a number of actions and attacks to aid Kena in her journey. On top of their versatility, they're simply adorable AND to put a cherry on top, you can collect various hats and caps to place on each individual Rot's head! As a lover of the cute in a game in good measure, I was ecstatic at that little detail.The adorable elements and gorgeous landscapes are deceiving, and the player quickly realizes this as they are introduced to the various characters Kena is tasked with aiding before she can attain entrance to the mountain's heart. Most are connected to the evil strangling the land: two children seeking to quell their brother's angry ghost; an inventor whose partner's spirit has warped the very ground; and an elder seeking to bring the village's chief's soul back from the brink of darkness.Something that becomes clear as you delve deeper into each of the main story arcs is that none of these people are of the world of the living: their spirits linger because they cannot leave their loved ones trapped in such turmoil. The trauma of each of the main spirits comes from a great grief that gripped them in their last moments in life and transforms them in the hereafter in malevolent ways. As a spirit guide, it is Kena's task, and through her the player's, to convince each specter to release the grief that has them in its clutches and thus release the land from its peril.

The torment of these characters is visceral and quite arresting to an unassuming player, but I found myself enamored with the catharsis I felt in advancing through each segment's tragedy and resolution. Even Kena herself is revealed to be holding on to a deeply rooted grief of her own, born from her true motivations on picking up her father's spirit guide role and staff. It's immensely refreshing to have a game with such unpresuming gameplay wrap the player in such a profound and introspective saga.Even the village itself is full of minor denizens who may never be named but still have a lasting impact on the game. As the plaque rolls back the town almost seems to come back to life, and the trapped spirits of the villagers silently express their thanks to Kena for being freed and allowed to continue on to whatever lies on the other side. It's a beautiful release as the player progresses, tinged with a bittersweet taste that makes it all the more meaningful.Some could rightly criticize Kena for not going far enough with what they created here: expand the story even more; do more with Kena and her Rot companions when it comes to her abilities; make the game a bit more challenging. Although I can see the validity in such points I find myself perfectly happy with the total package that the developers built. The emotional weight of the story seems perfectly balanced with the user-friendly controls and challenging puzzles and combat (I do admit here that I am not the most hardcore player out there, so I am a bit biased in that regard).

When all of the elements combine, Kena: Bridge of Spirits makes for a truly unforgettable experience for any player lucky enough to give it a shot. Interacting with such a world where the mundane and the magical coexist in beautiful ways is a wonderful journey, laced with poignant tales of grief evolving to peace and release. In a way, it's a tender message to the player. A missive which tells you that even in the deepest grip of despair you can find your breathe, let it go, and find an abiding joy you didn't think you could find again. The whole experience is a big bear hug, and the whisper of some passing spirit letting you know it's all going to be alright.

Music

• That! Feels Good! || Jessie Ware
• The Loveliest Time || Carly Rae Jepsen
• tori || Tori Kelly
• Little Plastic Castles || Ani Difranco
• Speak Now (Taylor's Version) || Taylor Swift
• Chemistry || Kelly Clarkson
• Age of Pleasure || Janelle Monáe
• Qveen Herby

That! Feels Good!
Jessie Ware (2023)

Will Sedwick Dozier || August 4, 2023

One of the cyclical lessons of history is that periods of oppression tend to give birth to eras of hedonism and sexual exploration and celebration. A recent example: disco. The rigid society of the early to mid 1900s gave way to decades of debauchery worthy of Dionysus, and the music of those times reflected that freedom. Lately, in these current times where pandemics and pandering conservatives have sought endless avenues to repress and control, disco is having a resurgence as we begin to balk against the forces set on regulating our bodies and our minds.We've seen the stars flock to and explore disco in their endeavors, from Beyonce to Carly Rae Jepsen, Dua Lipa to Lizzo. (We'll leave Lizzo and her legal woes for another time... For the moment let's just say I'm super sad, for now.) For me, though, one of the most true explorations has come from Jessie Ware on her latest album, That! Feels Good!, which was released in Spring 2023.Ware is no stranger to music which resonates with the club kids, the h-word prisoners, the Alphabet Mafia and those who feel the beat in their soul. She's synonymous with Pride for many in the Rainbow Connection for previous driving dance anthems, and she delivers in spectacular, glitzy fashion on this disco adventure. The one feeling I keep coming back to whenever I play through the tracks yet again is the Emerald City scene from The Wiz, with the glamorous denizens of the Ozian capitol voguing and serving the utmost cunt as they sashay through the various rainbow colors. (I feel this the most on the track "Begin Again".) I can see Ware's disco works being bumped in the chartreuse salons and clubs of the Emerald City: shades on while on the dancefloor while bisexual blue and purple lights cascade over you.

The influences of Chaka Khan, Donna Summer, Teena Marie, Grace Jones and Sister Sledge are everywhere on these tracks that speak of wild abandon, frivolous and fraught fantasies. It's decadent and delightful. It makes me feel like I'm fanning the flames of my faggotry higher and higher in defiance of all those dead set on pushing me from the spotlight into the shadows. Sexual innuendo is the set dressing for everything.Nothing about her disco dream seems dated, like archive footage from another time. It's fresh and present, whether she's performing soaring arias over funk-driven beats or toying with raspy, camp talk-singing with which other artists, like the Scissor Sisters delighted in romping in earlier in the 21st century. The only times where you might feel pulled from this fever dream are on tracks like "Freak Me Now", which weaves in more futuristic synth and French house influences reminiscent of 1990s dance tracks, or "Lightning" where the soaring strings and decidedly more R&B beat feel far more at home in the 2010s than the disco ball lights. That latter track is the only song that legitimately feels out of place with the rest of the album, despite being a phenomenal, trippy ballad.Overall, this labor of love from Ware doesn't feel like like a history lesson. It's a freewheeling bacchanal where she hasn't got a care in the world beyond that dancefloor ecstasy which is the mirror of the bedroom's highs. She's taken her craft in this expedition seriously, and that's why it's so successful and so much fun. We so often talk about "no skip" albums, which are rare, but That! Feels Good! is an actual specimen of that singular breed. Its siren call beckons you to leave your clothes in a pile and drape yourself solely in pearls (yet another innuendo...) and let the dancefloor feel your cosmic majesty. I highly suggest you give in.

The Loveliest Time
Carly Rae Jepsen (2023)

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 28, 2023

One of the images which sticks with me is the meme which manifested into reality because of fervent fans: Carly Rae Jepsen, holding a sword aloft in front of throngs of adoring patrons. It's almost a symbol of how this pop music girlie became a cult icon, and somehow that's translated into her music evolution.The Loveliest Time is the accompaniment and counterpoint to 2022's The Loneliest Time: two sides of the same coin, finally complete with each other out in the world. On The Loneliest Time Jepsen revealed a more melancholy, reserved side even while jumping head first into the recent disco revival which is stretching its tendrils into so many artists' works lately. The Loveliest Time is the that album's brighter twin: the introspection is less downbeat and more joyful.I say this with the greatest respect, but nothing - honestly, nothing - will approach the no-skip success of Jepsen's 2015 album, Emotion. That pop masterpiece continues to hold up to the rigors of time almost ten years on, along with its own twin, Emotion: Side B from 2016. Carly reached the pinnacle of pop perfection during that period, cementing herself in the stratosphere with other huge names of the era. It's like she looked out from that perch, saw the cosmos above, and decided that she needed to explore that next instead of staking claim of another mountain.That's a lot of hyperbole and metaphor mixed together haphazardly, I do admit, but there's no denying that after the Emotion period, Jepsen began experimenting more with her sonic sound and her songwriting. When you do that, you're not creating for perfection but for yourself. The perfection that emerges from that kind of process is much different.

While she's still that pop girlie that we came to love in those early days, we now get front row seats to her explorations of other genres: dabbling in reggae, funk, r&b, prog rock, even a bit of hair metal for good measure. Some of it isn't the most novel or groundbreaking songs you've ever heard but there are really infectious gems from the fusion she manages to create."Psychedelic Switch" is one of those jewels: it somehow melds the disco aura with progressive rock in a way that's...well, it's trippy in the best way possible. It makes me want to pop some roller skates on and jam out in concentric circles. (I don't know how to skate at all, that's how good the song is for me.) Then you have tracks like "So Right" and "Come Over" which aren't breaking any barriers but are still addictive pop which has me dancing around my room - which, I find, is one of the best ways to enjoy Jepsen's music. Yeah, go see her in concert or maybe even belt the songs if they come on in a club, but the prime scenario for her music is alone in your room, making your own music videos while the songs throb in your ears.My current stand out favorite track? "Put It To Rest". It's this surprisingly sweeping, epic song towards the end of the album which has a definite Donna Summer vibe to it while seeming right at home in a James Bond film. "Stadium Love" is a close second, though, with its driving rock beat woven with pop melody. Replete with an electric guitar solo!The biggest draw of Carly and her music, whatever genre she's creating in, are her lyrics which are direct and forward while avoiding over-simplicity. She's very talented at delivering vulnerable words behind all the infectious melodies and beats. "The ones I loved and left behind / Put it to rest so the rest won't follow me." Despite the admittedly larger success of a current Eras tour peer, Jepsen ranks right up with her in her deft songcraft.Listening to The Loveliest Time feels like a completion of the cycle she started a year ago with The Loneliest Time: the songs feel like the missing bricks that were needed to finish off the mural she was drawing for us. They don't tell a story in and of themselves, but the collage makes sense juxtaposed against their more somber sisters on the previous album.

tori
Tori Kelly (2023)

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 28, 2023

(At the time I'm writing this, and listening to these songs for the first time, Tori Kelly is recovering from what are being reported as blood clots. It must be incredibly bittersweet to be giving birth to something so personal while unable to fully enjoy it because your body is rebelling against you, so may my musings be a bit of light for her. I hope they can be, anyway.)I'm an elder millennial - wise, sage, learned from the days when we were still dealing with dial up internet. I was growing up as the 1990s crawled along and the human race hurtled toward a new century, and the music scene was so diverse and strange, in a way. I remember thinking that the '90s were going to be recalled as so scatterbrained musically by future generations, compared to the way we clearly delineate earlier decades. (I'm fairly certain that prediction came to pass, by the way.) The rise and influence of disparate genres like Grunge, Lilith Fair, Girl Power, and Boy Bands made this melting pot that didn't make sense to many. I'm looking squarely at you, Boomers and Gen X.In the midst of this, though, I have these amazing memories from that sweet spot between leaving childhood and entering those pre-teen years. A close friend lived right up the street, with another just a few houses down, and together on their front porch we'd plant a boombox (yes, a boombox) and pop in cassettes from Mariah, Alanis, and more. And we would perform, honey. We put on shows just for us, singing at the top of our lungs and pouring over the album notes and song lyrics on the cassette covers. We thought we knew what the words meant then, but there was still an innocence of being naïve to the true meaning.With tori, Kelly brought me right back to that time, that moment that remains etched brilliantly in my memory.

Only seven tracks made it on to her self-titled EP, but each of these songs transported me to a late '90s, Y2K vibe that is, in my humble opinion, just immaculate. It's a time and place that is difficult to describe if you're not intimately familiar with that period.Tori takes the influence from those years and makes it present, makes it modern. Tracks like "missin u", "shelter", and "alive if i die" feel like missing jewels from that era that time traveled to today; like I switched on my car radio for the first time instead of syncing my Spotify from my phone, and these songs started to play. I'm back dancing and singing in front of that little porch, and I'm belting with the windows of my Jeep Grand Cherokee on the way to junior year of high school. It really is a surreal moment blasting these tracks. They're just fantastic pop/r&b bops, one after the other, that resonate with me in both this current and yet nostalgic way. ("young gun (feat. Jon Bellion)" is a real stand out for me, sonically. It really scratches a musical itch in the best way.)This is music that makes you bop up and down with your air pods in. This is music which absolutely should be blasted in the car with your best girl friends, or your best Judys. For a few moments and a few tracks, all those real life worries aren't there.This one goes out to Cathleen and Leslie: for the concerts we performed on that front porch all those years ago. I think on those days and smile every time.

Little Plastic Castle
(25th anniversary edition)
Ani DiFranco (2023)

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 17, 2023

Cause when I look around, I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh, whatever life brings
Cause when I look down I just miss all the good stuff
When I look up, I just trip over things
- "As Is"My introduction to Ani DiFranco I owe to my worst ex-boyfriend. I hate saying that.I wish that I met Ani and her music organically and fell in love with her all on my own. I'd feel so much more empowered if that was the actual story.That's not how it went, though, and even all these years later I have issues letting that go. I met Ani and her music because I was 20 and 21 years old, and my boyfriend at the time was many things: a recovering addict (that descriptor aged really poorly during the course of the relationship); a sarcastic asshole to everyone, even me; a nerd to the nth degree, which was a big part of the attraction; and a person who liked to hit to either make a point or a joke, mostly the latter and mostly emotionally.He also was a fan of Tori Amos, Patty Griffin, and, of course, Ani DiFranco: the foundations of what I would later term "pseudo lesbian folk rock." That was my self-created category for this section of female singer-songwriters whose music refused to fit neatly into one genre's box or another's. Folk, jazz, Americana, rock 'n' roll: you could see Ani or her contemporaries experimenting among those and other genres but never getting held prisoner by them. I fell deeply in love with Ani and her acoustic, electric, and jazz heartbeat that thrums throughout her work. In fact it's because of her music I was able to work through the resulting break up and ensuing years of baggage I inherited.It's still there, by the way: the baggage. Much like Ani's music, with me it's well worn and travel-wise at this point.Recently, those of us who still worship at the altar of Tori Amos and Patty Griffin and the other sirens were blessed with a remaster of one of Ani's fantastic albums: Little Plastic Castle. It's been 25 years since those cartoonish goldfish swam into our consciousness. I wasn't aware that Ani was even a thing at the time. That was 1998, and I was a freshman in high school grappling with my sexuality and much more likely to be secretly dancing to the Spice Girls in my room. It probably shouldn't have been such a revelation to my parents, me being a big 'mo: I didn't want them seeing my moves all alone in my room, but I had the volume up pretty loud.Being shown her music, and especially her otherwordly way with words, opened doors in my mind that I never knew were closed. Years after it's release, I would be riding in the car with a man I loved and later hated and even later pitied, or would be curled up on my college comforter and I would be astounded how such delicate melodies could contain such raw, volatile, powerful lyrics. Ani's talent with poetry is unparalleled, in my opinion, and she's one of the greatest poets of my generation. Some of her songs are not so much songs as they are spoken word journal entries, unedited and yet so immaculately polished and poignant.Little Plastic Castle holds so many of my favorite tracks, and I'm a little ashamed to say I had forgotten they all came from this source. Relistening to this album, remastered for its anniversary and including even more personal renditions of a few songs, really took me back to that younger version of myself. I can so clearly remember hearing these for the first time and wondering how she knew exactly what I was feeling even though our experiences had to be so different. I was so sheltered and insular when I was younger, and you can tell from her music that Ani was the opposite. She still seemed to be singing these emotions I knew so well, or, in some cases, emotions I romanticized in my head and dreamed of knowing. ...That's such an odd and twisted thing to admit. I wanted to know where these wounded humors came from and embody them myself. Such a weird thing, humanity: wanting to experience heartbreak or trauma to "feel something."And you came crawling back to say
That you wanna make good in the end
And oh, oh let me count the ways
That I abhor you
And you were never a good lay
And you were never a good friend
But, oh, oh, oh what can I say
I adore you...
- GravelFrom Gravel and its frantic energy, to As Is and its more laid back complaints, and even with Two Little Girls and its foreboding plucks of guitar strings Ani tells these stories and recites these poems that are urgent, compelling, and utterly catchy. I had a very good friend and mentor who, when speaking specifically of musical theatre and showtunes, would say that if you couldn't hum a tune from the production then it wasn't worth its salt. Little Plastic Castle is infinitely hummable to me; I actually find myself humming the melodies or quietly singing the lyrics to myself in small moments without even noticing it. Many of Ani's albums are like that for me.To be completely transparent, I think more of her earlier work in the 1990s and very early 2000s are like that for me. In later and more recent years, Ani's ventures have been far more heavily jazz-tinged, and despite really liking the music on those pieces I can't say that I could hum you the tunes off the top of my head.I'm still replaying the remastered album as I write this piece. I'm having very surreal sensations, like I'm right back in that little white car with that guy I thought I loved deeper than the oceans and wider than the horizon. Windows are down, and I'm nodding my head to the beat with my eyes closed, smiling as Ani deftly plucks those strings on the guitar and my soul.I thought I knew everything back then.I knew absolutely nothing.I didn't know how sour things would turn in just a few short months. I didn't know how deep the scars he'd give me would go, and how long they'd stay etched in my skin. I didn't know the difference between real love and wanting something to be real love.But I did know Ani. I knew her knowing smirk as she swam her way from that Little Plastic Castle. I knew if anyone would see how it really was and tell me true, she would.

speak now (taylor's version)
Taylor Swift (2023)

Will Sedwick Dozier || July 7, 2023

I used to think one day we'd tell the story of us...
- "The Story of Us" (Taylor's Version)Well look at you now, Taylor. Look at you now...I don't think I own one bit of Swift merchandise, and I've never seen her perform live in concert, but I have sung along with every song ever since those first teardrops fell on her guitar. I've watched the Pennsylvania girl evolve into this talented, complicated songwriter and worldwide phenomenon, both adored and ridiculed in equal measure. I am and remain a staunch defender when she deserves it while criticizing when she needs it.And now, lately, I've been able to watch her go back and reclaim her already prolific catalogue of work album by album, which is such a gargantuan undertaking to witness. Fights with her former talent manager Scooter Braun over the purchase of her masters started her down this path. I'll never know how it must feel to watch someone who didn't contribute one iota to the creation of your art take over complete control of it; how heartbreaking and infuriating that must be to endure. Taylor made the novel decision to leave the masters in Braun's hands and instead re-record her songs and take back that control, with Taylor's Version album releases of Fearless and Red debuting in 2021.Speak Now (Taylor's Version) now graces our airwaves, taking us back to 2010 in a nostalgic trip that has many longtime fans, like myself, reliving where and what we were back then.

For me, I was over a decade younger. You're not going to get me to disclose my age here but let's just say ten years of difference is one hell of a shift. I have grown up with Taylor but not from the youngest of days. She emerged from the Nashville scene in my early college days but I've still somehow grown and aged along with her despite the variance in our ages and experiences.With Speak Now I have such memories of night time rides in my car, driving along country roads surrounding my small rural town with the windows down and the wind blowing around me. I sang my heart out to the lyrics of "Mine", "Mean", "Enchanted" and so many others. They all felt so immediate then, so powerful and personal to me. Taylor wrote those melodies and lyrics between the ages of 18 to 20 but they connected with me, who was definitely not 18 or 20 at the time. I feel like she has a gift for creating attachment with those that listen to her music that spans ages, spans various backgrounds and struggles.If you're reading this and are derisively laughing at that sentiment, I'd challenge you to go and listen to some of her tracks. I'm serious, do it. I think you'd be surprised at how you can hear your own experience echoed back to you in some seemingly innocuous way. It'll slide in underneath your skin before you realize it.Listening to Taylor, now in her early to mid-thirties singing these songs that she crafted at a totally different place in her life is a crazy thing to encounter. She is no longer that girl still fumbling her way through to adulthood amidst superstardom, and you can hear that both in the slightly updated arrangements and in her voice as she sings those words again. She even reveals additional songs that she wrote during that period which never made it to the album, new jewels to add to the crown like the duets with Fall Out Boy and Hayley Williams of Paramore (Electric Touch and Castles Crumbling, respectively). They fit right in, somehow, like they were always there but you just forgot about them momentarily. Momentous and necessary, exactly the soundtrack for the once and future you.It hits me hardest on "Never Grow Up", which has always been an emotional song for a heart-on-your-sleeve person like myself. Taylor talks about holding on to these little things that could fade away some day, and how much they mean even if you don't realize it at the moment.Take pictures in your mind of your childhood room
Memorize what it sounded like when your dad gets home
Remember the footsteps, remember the words said
And all your little brother's favorite songs
I just realized everything I have is someday gonna be gone

Now that years have passed between then and now, how much of that has changed for her? How much of that has changed for you?We've loved and we've lost. We've succeeded and we've failed. Things that were so heightened and charged back then may have faded into the background now, or disappeared entirely. Listening to these tracks that I once belted from my speeding car underneath the moonlight is this bittersweet treat. They're still just as catchy as I remember; they remain preserved as these ballads and anthems that underscored all the dramas that played out in my life, both petty and large.Now, they just have deeper meaning. They hold just a bit more significance than they did before. It's an amazing thing, to take moments and remember who we once were and how far we've come since then. And yes, I will be hopping in my car and playing these re-recorded versions as loud as I can stand while I let the windows down and feel that wind on my face again.

Chemistry (2023)
Kelly clarkson

Will Sedwick Dozier || June 23, 2023

...and when I'm hurting it's incognito / so everybody thinks I'm a hero
- "High Road"I feel like I should be on a dark stage, walking into a single pool of light in a very tailored pin stripe suit and heels."We come here for heartbreak. We come here for the pain."...That's my best Nicole Kidman, take it or leave it.Maven of the movie theatre aside, I'm here to talk to you about our beloved American Idol Kelly Clarkson and her latest album, Chemistry. Get her flowers ready because she deserves them.

Miss Independent has truly never let us down during her career thus far, and that's because of her celestial vocal talents (which are on full display on every track) and this innate ability she harbors to connect with the listener on the spectrum of human emotion. Whether it's happiness or sorrow, self-love or self-defeat, Clarkson takes us with her as she navigates the feeling with driving pop and soul, or painful, beautiful torch songs and ballads. We also can't overlook how seamlessly she's able to inhabit so many genres of music: you can try to keep her in the pop music box but she busts out of it time and time again, melding that with elements of R&B, soul, rock, country, and more to make a sound that can be universal.I realize I'm hyping her up like I'm getting paid for it - and I'm not, sadly - but I do this for free. Clarkson is one of those once in a generation kind of talent that's undeniable, even if you're not an avid fan of her. I tend to think of Beyoncé, or Britney Spears maybe. You might not be a super fan of them but you truly can't deny their talent and their impact. ...Well, you can but you'd just be an obstinate idiot, really. That's the category Clarkson belongs in.With previous albums she's delivered heartfelt ballads and catchy anthems, but on Chemistry she sets aside any pretense and reveals incredibly raw thoughts and meditations on love, loss, regret, and even resentment. It's a deeply personal thing to lay bare all the emotions that you go through with something as messy and hurtful as the divorce she so recently experienced. On her own talk show and other interviews she hasn't backed off on how the experience has wounded her and left her broken, and Chemistry is a loose sort of song cycle depicting her working through the pain and inner demons she wrestled with during it all.Personally, I tend to be fairly open and raw with my feelings in conversations with friends or in my writing. That being said though I'm not sure I'd have the strength and temerity to place so much darkness and vulnerability out in the open like she does on this newest release. It speaks to how much she's grown through and from the struggle that she can present it to us with such gorgeous tonal journeys on each song.I feel like I have to add a note here on the expectation some fans had that this album, with it's inspiration and subject matter, would be a call back to her first "dark" foray in her music-making on My December, released in 2007. This was"Dark Kelly" in her first iteration and the effort definitely had some mixed reviews from critics and fans alike for being such a departure from her early brighter releases. When Clarkson announced chemistry and wasn't shy about revealing it's connection to her tumultuous divorce, many assumed the upcoming album would be reminiscent of My December and it's more dark, rock 'n' roll tone. The singles she dropped in anticipation of today's album already did so, but let me add my voice to dispel any lingering doubts: this is a very different Kelly than the one who "went emo" almost two decades ago. She's older and wiser and so much more mature in how she takes on her emotions, and the pain now is presented much differently and dealt with so much differently than before.

Most of the tracks definitely show Clarkson's disillusion with love, from the opening song skip this part pleading to omit all the pain and hurt, to mine wishing all the heartbreak that's been inflicted on her mirrored on her tormentor, or lighthouse and it's forlorn recounting of that moment she had to admit things were rotten in the state of Denmark.Oooh, a random Shakespeare moment! I love that for us.She even bemoans having to be the bigger person on high road, and I felt that so deeply when I first listened to the track. It's a rumination on how exhausting it can be to rise above the petty words and actions; a resentment that we're expected to take that course when the payback can be so miniscule, and the lower path so much easier and cathartic. We do it anyway, though, don't we Kelly?There are awesome tongue-in-cheek moments in the same vein, "i hate love" or "red flag collector" coming to mind. She brings on Steve Martin - yes, that Steve Martin - to add some bluegrass elements to the former track with his banjo talents and even name drops him and the seminal Meryl Streep film It's Complicated he starred in to help her playful metaphor. It's so random and yet makes so much sense with the mischievous theme of the song.In the midst of these painful condemnations of heartbreak and betrayal there is this trio of songs that took me off guard because they're the exact opposite of that mindset. You have numbers like title track chemistry, favorite kind of high (which may be my favorite song on the album, with David Guetta making a guest appearance with a driving dance beat), and magic which are actually hypnotic hymns to the spark of attraction, the manic feeling of falling in love and that impervious sensation of wanting to risk it all for someone. Tonally they're in the same categories as their fellow tracks but the theme seems odd at first. Is Clarkson a "down with love" girlie or does she still have moments of awe and wonder with it? Are these new loves showing through or memories of how it all felt before the bottom fell out? I kind of love the mystery around their existence there in the middle of the album, it's a very welcome surprise.I'd be totally remiss if I didn't mention the ending track, that's right, which is this Miami-inspired "i don't need you" moment with freakin' Sheila E laying down phenomenal rhythm throughout. It's a fantastic and unexpected guest spot which even Clarkson mentions on her socials and elsewhere as a moment she's still pinching herself over.Overall I think chemistry is a deeply raw look at one person's complicated view of love in the current moment, garbed in beautiful and infectious pop, soul, and rock 'n' roll. Every track is Clarkson coming back to the subject from a different angle and allowing herself the vulnerability to explore how she feels about it under our gaze. The empowering anthems and the heartbroken ballads and everything in between are certified bangers, in my humble homosexual opinion.

The Age of Pleasure (2023)
Janelle Monáe

Will Sedwick Dozier || June 9, 2023

I'm looking at a thousand versions of myself, and we're all fine as fuck - "Phenomenal"I don't know if you got the memo, but we fuckin' this summer. Janelle Monáe said so, therefore so shall it be.From the moment those first horns come blaring in on the opening track, Monáe's latest album Age of Pleasure announces its intentions to get set the mood and keep us all locked in. This is an album that you can play by the pool and just vibe with the sexy, laid back melodies, but if you do I hope you're very close with your guests because you will be getting even closer once the beats hit you.Every single song is dripping in a delicious sensuality, using elements from the Caribbean, the French and Spanish coasts, as well as classic soul and R&B to seduce you. And you want to be seduced! This sonic journey is about having a damn good time; loving the skin you're in and the alluring skin of others; being unabashedly horny and reveling in that euphoric feeling.I'm not exaggerating: one of the tracks, "Water Slide" is all about...umm...feeling yourself so much that you can't help but feel yourself. These tracks are flagrantly sexual, out in the open and proud. They're not being rebellious. They're glorious. (Even the video for the lead track, "Lipstick Lover", was considered too racy for even YouTube and Monáe reluctantly made a clean version you can find below. Watch if you want, but trust me: go straight to YouTube and watch the original which I can't directly share here.)

The flow from song to song doesn't plateau at any point. The front half of the album is a sexy and flirty party where Monáe celebrates their own sexual journey while enjoying a newfound freedom to sample from the beautiful hes, shes, and theys. Somewhere as we transition to the back end of the tracks they explore the darker, needier side of that sexuality, that lust, and then rise to a heavenly, almost cosmic realm of ecstasy in their love with the final songs. There's never a heavy moment. No matter how playful or how hungry, the whole air flowing from these songs is light, is freedom, is love in all it's meanings.Something that occurred to me as I was listening through for the first time was how the voice that's being used here - Monáe's voice - has no gender. It's both masculine and feminine at the same time, and yet isn't either at the same time. It's this amazing sensation to connect with their perspective and feel like I, too, can be either or neither and experience this boisterous, carnal party.Since their debut around 2008 and 2010, Janelle Monáe has constantly been placing their self-exploration on display and patting the seat beside them, letting us know it's more than okay to join them on the adventure. They burst onto the scene as the funky, otherworldly cyborg breaking down archetypes of black women in music (The ArchAndroid in 2010 and The Electric Lady in 2013). As they've evolved and learned more about their sexual preferences and gender identity, that burgeoning power viscerally flowed from her previous release, Dirty Computer (2018). For me, The Age of Pleasure is a natural progression from those revelations, an exploration of them and a sense of abandon which is incredibly infectious.

There are so many highlights on this album that it's hard for me to single out any favorite moments. They're all my favorites!"Float" and "Phenomenal" are empowering tracks that make your hips sway to the beat. I wouldn't call them anthems so much as simple, declarative statements of fact. "Water Slide" can fit into the same category but is definitely a different animal. The international influences deep in such interludes as "Black Sugar Beach" and "The French 75" are lovely and made me giggle.There's this amazing transition that happens as "Phenomenal" ends: we segue into a sort of outro in "Haute", a continuation of the "dare you to contradict me" mood from the previous track. The band behind the message transforms into a gorgeous orchestra which builds and builds to a satisfying crescendo. Are we at the Met or are we at the football stadium with the horn section about to throw down with the opposing team? We're both! And then...oh child, and then we are given the gift of Grace Jones and the "Oooh La La" interlude. The music strips back again and Jones, in her classic and unmistakable tone comes in, speaking to us in French. She's beguiling us, she's flirting with us. Are we going to have sex with Grace Jones?! ...Yeah, we most certainly are.And then there's "Only Have Eyes 42". That song is masterful to me. This amazing sample, remaster of "I Only Have Eyes For You", made famous by The Flamingos. This speakeasy, funkadelic, jazzy homage is both a tribute and yet completely Monáe's own creation. Transcendent is truly the only word that seems to fit it, followed by the simple yet exquisite Spanish lullaby-esque "A Dry Red".Among the myriad things that you might end up doing while The Age of Pleasure plays in the background, ending it with a nice glass of wine honestly is the perfect conclusion. Both are so smooth and yet so deceptive. And I think both will age spectacularly. Get yourself a taste of it immediately, if not sooner.

Artist spotlight
Qveen Herby

Will Sedwick Dozier || May 26, 2023

If it's my right to taste the riches of the earth
(These bitches better let me work)
A private host, a private toast to new horizons
Never mind what I had to do to get these diamonds...
- "Sugar Daddy" -

Remember that early 2010s YouTube phenom Karmin? Composed of duo Amy and Nick Noonan, they rose to prominence on the internet with their pop, R&B, and rap covers. They briefly surfed the music charts in the following years with hits like "Brokenhearted," "Hello," and "Acapella." Produced pop that was catchy if not the most original.Well...that girl from Karmin is dead. Gutted. Set on fire.But you know she didn't stay dead. She's crystallized and emerged as the goddess known as Qveen Herby, Amy's unapologetic alter ego who weaves deep and complex lyrics and bars with R&B and rap influences woven throughout. Hubby Nick helps to craft the beats and melodies and lets Qveen take the lead on the mic with messages that are intended to ensure the listener knows how much of a bad bitch they are as they dance across the floor.And I simply cannot get enough of her.

The clear homages to 1990s and 2000s R&B and rap artists are laced in all of her tracks, but Qveen Herby seems to encompass those and so much more at the same time. Pop and soul thread their way between harder tracks, meaning the melodic mood can change at any moment. The connection between it all is this non-stop vibe of self-empowerment and self-love.Qveen Herby knows she's badass, whether or not you agree. You can smell the incense and oils billowing out from her tracks: she's unbothered, she's unbowed, and she wants to make sure you - yes, YOU - are aware that you're the exact same as her.

Twelve inches, take a poll
I'm uncut, out of control
Stroke of genius, 'bout to blow like you've never seen before
Once a week, post on Instagram
and they be screamin' "Goals!"
I be busy breakin molds, catchin' ice
I'm too cold
- "BDE" -

In an interview with Forbes magazine, Amy described Qveen Herby as "...my higher self." That sense of an elevated, evolved persona permeates the almost 15 albums and EPs that she has released thus far. And never once does she make it feel like some exclusive lifestyle that she and she alone enjoys. Track after track invites the listener to realize their own worth; take the keys and join her in the bad bitch club. That kind of inclusivity is absolutely infectious, especially when mixed with Qveen's deft flow and lyrics.I'm a TikTok addict, and Qveen Herby has a tendency to magically appear on my feed (@qveenherby) with instructions to slow my roll and allow her to cleanse my aura. Messages of empowerment and self care aren't just for her music, but her entire essence. For someone who's been seeking ways to find my passion, purpose, and peace, letting Qveen's magic pour over me definitely has this calming effect that feels transformative.Sounds corny? Definitely. I realize that. I wouldn't put it down if I didn't mean it, though. I can get crunchy granola with the best of them, and if I am, I want to do so with the sick beats of the Qveen playing in the background. Whether I want to get heated or chill out, there's endless Qveen Herby tracks that will give me the fix I'm craving.

Just a foolish mortal
Learnin' my new normal
Stop and smell the roses again
Soak up these bath salts
Lavender, patchouli
Conjure up the new me
Pampered like Marie Antoinette
(I love it)
- "Marie Antoinette" -

With an extensive catalog already available, there's so much of Qveen Herby to explore. Take a listen to one of my current favorites ("Marie Antoinette") and one of my all time favorites ("Sade in the 90s"), then take a deeper dive and see if the Qveen vibe catches hold of you the way is has with me.Then give me a ring. Maybe we can...I don't know, get together and call the corners or something?

The Blog: Confessions of a
Millenial Gaymer

blog archives

• 2023

• January 2024

February 6, 2024
Mojo Dojo Casa House: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?It's always amazing how January, that first month of the year, both drags on interminably and disappears in the blink of an eye. It turned into February before I was fully prepared, and to tell you the truth, I take some umbrage at that.I could also take some umbrage with Taylor Swift appearing to ignore the celestial deity that is Celine Dion at the Grammy's, but if we're being 100% honest, I could care less about another fabricated reason to hate on Taylor by people who already don't like her. Critique her for things that matter, like her winning Album of the Year four times now while Beyoncé has yet to achieve that honor despite the mountain of worthy material.While you ponder that quagmire - or not, I'm not your mom - I'll take us back to our home away from home: Hyrule.Since taking on the Fire Temple and single-handedly saving the Goron people for the umpteenth time, I've been slowly doing more exploring and dealing with minor side quests that have been piling up. (I know some of you will point out that Yunobo and, in a phantom way, Tulin helped me tackle the Goron predicament but I was the Beyoncé of that trio so I'm the only one who matters.) I even found a legendary helm of the Gorons just like my fancy Rito helm, so my collection is only growing.I've realized that I haven't discussed a development down in the Depths that I've been slowly investigating, and it requires some back story. So pull up a bean bag chair and get comfy!Within the Hylian people there are the Sheikah: a once highly advanced civilization that came to the Hyrule royal family's assistance more than once in fighting off the Calamity. Their technology was both a huge asset and then a huge pain in my ass, sometimes both at the same time which is quite a feat. It was that pain in the ass quality that sort of soured their relationship with the royal family at some point, and most decided to eschew their tech prowess if not their dedication to protecting the realm where possible. Notable exceptions would be, say, Purah and Robbie who continued to tinker with mechanical marvels.Some of the Sheikah didn't take well to this new shift both in attitudes and lifestyles. You might say they were pretty pissed about it. When the kingdom you served shuns you and exiles you, you can definitely feel a bit some type of way. (That's a technical sociological term, for the record.) These disgruntled Sheikah decided to give a big fuck you to the realm by pledging an allegiance to the one thing trying to tear it down - Calamity Ganon. These sneaky bastards became the Yiga Clan.Now, these guys caused me no end of annoyance in Breath of the Wild because one of their greatest skills is the art of disguise. I'd go up to random Hyrule denizens to ask for directions or even offer my assistance because I'm a good twink, dammit, but then they'd reveal themselves to be Yiga assassins and try and kill me. They very, very rarely succeeded, but muttering "oh, for fuck's sake..." under my breath became a common occurrence when seeing a solitary stranger on the roads.The Yiga were led by one Master Kohga, who...is less master assassin and more master clown. I'm really and truly not certain how such an unimpressive individual came to lead this motley crew but there he is nonetheless. In my previous adventure, I managed to sneak my way into the Yiga headquarters in the Gerudo region and faced off with him. It ended with the man in charge falling into a deep, dark chasm that looked to me to be bottomless, so certain death was assumed. I also surmised this meant the Yiga as a whole would fizzle out as a result, so imagine my surprise in this new trial...When I was investigating the Bargainer initially, I happened upon these really suspect "researchers" down in the Depths. They had all the trappings of the Zonai Survey Team but something was just off about them. Turns out they were Yiga! I didn't want to see them back again, and certainly not down in the pitch dark environs of the Depths. Nothing good can come of this.Master Kohga was there as well, and I call bullshit. The falls down into the depths are miles and miles. How did this doofus manage to not only survive such a fall but reorganize the Yiga clan afterward?! I just don't believe him to be capable of all this. That doesn't stop him from being here and being a nuisance again.Kohga and the Yiga are investigating Zonai ruins and artifacts just like the rest of us, but they have nefarious intentions. I'm hearing about this "Magnificent One" that they now serve who's going to end the whole world, and although my first instinct is that they've just once again aligned with Ganondorf (a comfortable assumption), there are some new names being thrown around in my wanderings now which make me think maybe there is another malcontent out there looking to bring doom and gloom. It's not a comforting thought!The Yiga have definitely gotten proficient at creating constructs out of normal items and Zonai relics, though, which make them far more annoying than they previously were. I've had to start tracking them and Kohga throughout the Depths, hoping to foil whatever Mojo Dojo Casa House bullshit they're planning. It's not easy going since the Depths are already crawling with enemies that can royally mess me up - gloom doesn't just take away one of my hearts, it makes it so I can't heal said heart until I visit a light root or take a concoction made with sundelions. (They're a real flower, don't look at me crazy.)The benefits thus far is that, when I manage to kick the butts of the Yiga manning random outposts they tend to have schematics for constructs lying around that I can add to my own arsenal, which is really useful. At this point I've kicked Master Kohga's behind twice but he's scampered off somewhere beneath the Zora's homeland in Lanayru at the current moment and I have yet to explore that area of the Depths. I definitely want to keep him on the run, but I feel like maybe I should go topside and see what environmental phenomenon is plaguing the Zora first. The love of my life, Prince Sidon, is there after all and I will protect him at all costs.Check back and see my reunion with my fish daddy next time, since I'm sure he's been pining for me!

February 8, 2024
Where the Heart Is: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?I want to start off today - tonight, really, but don't you judge me for my writing hours - with the chaotic political world in which we find ourselves. We've been in this hellscape for close to a decade now thanks to the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, and it really seems to grow more and more fraught as the days drag on.The Supreme Court is supposed to be this entity that parses the legal code by which our society is based and lay down rulings which are fair and equitable. (Remember, that's the ideal world.) Instead we're now watching the highest bench in the land waffle back and forth because they don't want to appear to be placing a hand on the scale, despite having a history now of doing exactly that over and over again.Am I someone who feels like I'm barreling toward a cliff on a steam locomotive with no conductor and no off-ramp? Yeah, yeah I really am. It's so disheartening to live in this period of time.I wish that I could segue into our heroic twink's antics without that heavy heart but we'll make due somehow.Last time when we left off I mentioned heading toward the Domain of the Zora and a clandestine meeting with the fishy love of my life. That will have to wait...as I absolutely didn't do it yet. Life happens, people, and the anticipation can make the actual event mean even more! Be patient with me, I'm a depressed homosexual just trying to stay afloat.In the meantime, I think it's time to take a journey to a small little corner of the Akkala region where a booming town sprang up thanks to yours truly. Once again, I am not saying that I'm a hero or a savior (I absolutely am) but it is mainly by my hands and hard work that Tarrey Town exists today.Back during the Breath of the Wild days, I was able to come into possession of a cozy little house over in Hateno Village, thanks primarily to two individuals: Bolson and his protégé Hudson. They were pioneering this new modular home around the time, and now it's booming in popularity; in fact, I'm currently, and slowly, constructing a brand new dream home near Tarrey Town made of the materials they've made famous.Well, Hudson has made them famous, I should say. Bolson, after my previous adventures, basically retired and has become invested in that little seaside vacation village of Lurelin, if you remember. Hudson went out and began his own construction company, and he did so in this remote corner of Hyrule on top of a tall plateau or mesa. (I'm not exactly sure which it qualifies as, since I took geology back in college and I don't want to mention how long ago that was now...)I helped Hudson procure both the materials to make the town and the villagers to fill it, all of whom were required to have names which ended in "-son", like the founder's own name. ...I'm still not exactly certain why that had to be a requirement but who am I to judge anyone? If I was to judge them, it would be on this trend with the Hylian members of the crew to sport these extreme bowl hair cuts which make me think of them as walking, talking fungi. Regardless, Tarrey Town turned into a vibrant little establishment.Now the little town that could is capitalizing on the Upheaval since a ton of Zonai ruins and relics fell into the surrounding lower field, and Hudson and company are definitely making the most of it. Since checking in during my explorations, I've helped Hudson and his wife Rhondson (the name thing gets really silly) say goodbye to their little girl, who went off to live in Gerudo Town. I'm also currently helping with a number of other little side quests, including gathering pictures of various monsters so that Kilton - a...interesting character with a fascination for baddies large and small - can construct a wax figure menagerie and help educate Hyrule on the "misunderstood" creatures threatening their every day lives.It is interesting to see how much Hudson and his enterprise have taken Hyrule by storm. As I've been running around I keep encountering one of his newest employees, Addison, who is putting up sign posts all over the realm. Every time he can't seem to figure out how to keep the signs upright...which makes me wonder how he got a job with a construction company. Despite my misgivings the man pops up everywhere, appearing to not rest until there's no inch of Hyrule that isn't inundated with the Zelda equivalent of billboards for his beloved employer.Now that I'm becoming an honorary citizen of Tarrey Town with my customizable dream home just on the town's outskirts, I feel a little bit of pride in the diversity and family atmosphere. Even when I owned my little cottage in Hateno - before Zelda apparently took it for herself, since I refuse to believe I'd just hand it over to her no matter what knightly oaths I may or may not have taken - I didn't feel like I was part of that rural community. Just an outside observer who checked in from time to time for a nap.Tarrey Town feels more like home for my little twink with the precarious nipples. I built this city on rock and roll, after all. It makes sense to put down some prefabricated roots here.I do promise that I'll limit my lollygagging to a minimum and get my butt over to the Zoras soon. That hot mummy in Hyrule castle is probably only growing stronger while I hunt Koroks or look for the perfect photo for the stable association, so I'll get myself together.

February 13, 2024
Cry Me a River: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Happy Mardi Gras, ladies and gentlemen and all those in between or none at all!This is actually one of my favorite celebrations of the entire year. The idea of living life to the fullest is something that I adore in theory and wish I practiced more in reality. I already abstain too much due to necessity, not to mention being a humongous introvert: anything that reminds me to indulge in life is a boost of serotonin and joy.Plus, I happen to really love New Orleans and the culture that thrives there. (Plus the food!!) Maybe my spirit has some past lives from the bayou or low country? I need to find a medium to tell me more about my former selves at some point...At any point, consider yourself absolutely pelted with purple, gold, and green from yours truly!For now, though, let's turn all those thoughts of "laissez les bons temps rouler" toward our favorite Hylian twink, because he's going to need it after his latest travels...Betrayal.Betrayal is all that I see after I made my way to Zora's Domain recently. I trudged through the mire and the muck - quite literally - only to be met with disappointment and heartbreak. And it's all thanks to one man and one man alone.The Zoras are a fish-like people who I feel a particular affinity for because of certain individuals in my previous travels. Their greatest hero is Mipha, the Zora champion who perished fighting the Calamity. She was such a sweet soul and managed to help me finish Calamity Ganon once and for all, even if in slightly spooky ghost form. Mipha, though, had a younger brother... Sidon.Oh, Sidon...how could you?...Sidon is this big himbo of a fish prince who stole my heart completely back in Breath of the Wild. I thought I had found my marine mate for life with his bursting sense of adventure and care. I fell head over heels. Well...head over fins? Can you even fall while swimming?Yeah, sure, I have my duty to Zelda and all and even gave my house to her. (I still don't recall actually doing this, so I remain annoyed at that.) But my heart stayed with Sidon in the Domain all this time, and to return to this was...was a blow that I shan't soon recover from...The unique phenomenon plaguing Zora's Domain, like the other regions of Hyrule, is coming down from the skies and it is disgusting. Piles of sludge and muck are dropping all over the area, thick and gross and impeding travel to anyone looking to enter or leave. Is Ivan Ooze up there making Rodney Dangerfield jokes and cursing the Power Rangers? Maybe a Captain Planet villain waiting for me to call on my eco-hero?Whatever the source, it's disgusting and extremely annoying. I have managed to activate all the Skyview Towers across Hyrule so I could have, technically, just taken a quick Purah Pad teleport there and ridden the air currents to the heart of the Domain, but no. No, I wanted to traverse the main road there. Revisit my former footsteps, and aid those who needed my heroic help along the way.'Cause I'm a good person, dammit.The road to Zora's Domain is a fucking mess, though. It was a dumpster fire of a slog to get there thanks to washed out roads, rock slides, sludge covering almost everything and stupid bokoblins and lizalfos in between. I rose above, though. I did. And I made it to the Domain in one, slightly messy, piece.I made it only to be greeted by BETRAYAL.Near the central square this frilly, green newcomer greeted me: Yona, a new caretaker for the Domain. I feel like we could have been friends in a different world, but before that could happen she dropped a bomb on my reality.She's not only a childhood friend of my beloved Sidon...but she's also his fiancée.How could he?!I was his world and he was mine!!I haven't even been gone for that long! Was he always this inconstant and I just never recognized?Yona was a bit off put by my sudden fit of weeping and throwing myself to the ground, but she pointed me in Sidon's direction nonetheless. He was up at the summit of nearby Ploymus Mountain, the source of the Domain's clear and pristine waters. Come to think of it...the waters were actually super murky and rank, for the most part, so I assumed he was up there attempting to clean what he could of the flowing tides.I made my way up there, fully prepared to berate him and throw myself off a cliff in a dramatic fashion, ending my torment. I came face to face with him, however, and his jubilant reaction to seeing me again made me both overjoyed and super duper angry. Plus he was, indeed, striving to purify the dirty waters for his people, and I can't exactly stay mad when he's attempting to save lives. ...I mean, I can, but I'm trying not to do it.Putting aside my feelings of betrayal and ignoring the pain of being stabbed in the back, I followed Sidon's words and sought a researcher who was looking for a connection between the ancient Zora people and the sky islands above, since the sludge is literally pouring down from there in torrents. I found him and we pieced together a neat little riddle which I immediately recognized would require some climbing and flying on my part.I had to first seek out King Dorephan. He had been conspicuously absent from his throne room, and thanks to listening in to some kids' secret conversations - a totally dignified act, obviously - I gleaned that the king had experienced a trauma and was hiding away while he recuperated. I managed to find his pristine hidey hole and got some of his scales, which I needed for my super special riddle assignment. I left him and his cranky old fish friend to their moping and went and solved the riddle, because I'm a twink of many talents and can do anything.My actions, along with a renewed Sidon's help, revealed an ancient Zora waterworks beneath the large East Reservoir Lake. This felt like the kind of Water Temple I was used to in previous Zelda titles: having to maneuver and manage valves and such to manipulate water levels, which are completely annoying. I reached my goal, though, and triggered a chain reaction with the sky islands hovering above the Domain: a waterfall of pure water descended, providing me and Sidon a way to swim up and see what fresh hell was occurring up there.This was another betrayal, by the way. Obviously, the actual Water Temple was somewhere on these sky islands and I'd have to climb up to reach it. I already had trauma from the ascent to the Wind Temple! It hasn't been resolved or treated! Now I have to climb to yet another temple, this time traversing floating waterfalls while feeling like a moon man in severely depleted gravity. Oh yeah - the gravity up here is super nonexistent. Not enough that I'm going to float away, but enough that even a small jump can send me miles higher and further than normal. Helpful? Sometimes. Stressful? Absolutely.Not to mention Sidon splits us up for the ascent to the temple. He's all driven and paying attention to the mysterious voice calling out to him (I'm guessing we have another future sage on our hands...), and leaves me to my own devices.I'm telling you this: after this, I am done with fish. This sea creature has shattered my heart, and where it once was is only an angry void. It's pure beef from now on.Honestly, I'm still so mad that I can't bear to continue recounting the climb for now. I apologize to you, dear reader, as well as Miley Cyrus for dragging her into this.Once I calm down and dry my tears...and maybe demolish some pots, therapeutically...I'll update you on what mucky mess awaits me at the Water Temple. Until then, make sure you guard your hearts closely. Don't become broken and jaded, like me...

February 15, 2024
Our Love Ain't Water Under the Bridge: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Well it's a day late but I hope you had a warm and fuzzy Valentine's Day yesterday. If that's even your vibe, to be honest. Don't feel judged if it's not. Don't judge others if it's not as well. Just because we're jaded by love lost and betrayal and the intrusion of stupid green Zoras from "another domain", we don't have to yuck other people's yums.I personally don't have the greatest track record with Cupid's big annual day, but it does remind me to be grateful for all the love that's present in my life. ...Honestly, that sounds super sad when I type it out like that but I'm going to stand by the sentiment. I'll channel my inner Leslie Knope and hold Galentine's Day dear in my heart of hearts.Speaking, in a way, of rising above and forging ahead, let's get back into the tragedy of my trials with the Zora and the Water Temple...First and foremost, I am still pissed at Sidon and Yona. Nothing will make me magically be unbetrayed (a word I think I just invented). They are a pair of treasonous sea snakes that will have to grovel for my forgiveness at some point, if I have my way. Until then, however, I do need Sidon's help in my ascent to the bird bath in the sky.Oh and I am, indeed, still angry about being forced to climb into the air for another temple. So I'm just grumpy in general. The only silver lining as I moon walk and jump from crumbling ruin to crumbling ruin is that at least this time there is no whirling storm attempting to sling me into oblivion.There are, however, these Zonai devices scattered about which generate large bubbles with a soft, chewy, bomb center. I have to use these bouncy yet deadly objects to traverse the skyward path, and make sure not to get blown up in the bargain. Very "Frog and Scorpion"-coded, when I think about it. Who am I to judge the gelatinous explosives for doing what is in their nature?!Anyway, the perfidious prince and I finally arrive at the Water Temple which, I absolutely admit, is quite beautiful. I'd expect nothing less from the Zora: their architecture, even combined with the Zonai here, always is gorgeous and aesthetically pleasing. It definitely gives authentically "temple" vibes, almost in an Olympian way? Like, I wouldn't be surprised to see Poseidon or Athena waltzing through this snazzy place.Immediately I see the source of our pervasive sludge problem, which is this enormous erupting mound of disgusting sludge toward the back of the temple. There are these giant, elegant urns sitting above it and one has a constant stream of water flowing into it; interacting with the temple's main controls tips all the urns over and the water washes the sludge away, like water does with the sludge anywhere else. The sludge hill, the sludge mound - none of the options I keep thinking of sound any less nasty - instantly reforms, though, which means me and Sidon are going to have to go all around the temple and turn on the remaining faucets so all the urns fill with water. Another example of more is more, which we all know to be true. Screw minimalism.I'm going to say something that might never have been uttered in the history of the Zelda fanbase: I quite enjoyed this Water Temple experience. Normally this temple is my absolute nightmare, my Vietnam. Here, in Tears of the Kingdom, though, I really had a nice time working out the puzzles to find all the faucets (and chests, I can't forget chests and their sweet, sweet loot).Like any good temple devoted to water, a lot of figuring out how to raise or lower water levels was required. The major difference is that I didn't have to dive under water and spend precious lung capacity trying to solve mind games while trying not to drown. For that alone, I was a happy elf-like twink....I mean, I guess I could have gone around for once not worrying about my nipples, which would have been a refreshing turn of events, but c'est la vie.After we turn all the faucets on full blast, not giving a care in the world to the temperature, we returned to the main platform and pressed the "on" button that is the Zonai controls. All the urns, now full of water, dumped their cascade upon the sludge pile - ugh, still nasty - and it finally looked like it had met it's match. Sidon even pumped his fist in triumph, which...which made my heart skip a beat, because he's so handsome. I can't forget his transgressions though, and besides that I happen to see a...well, I see what I can only describe as a "sludge nugget" spew out behind us. Maybe we shouldn't have celebrated so early?The cast off turns out to be the true core of our problem - the Mucktorok, the Scourge of the Water Temple. Now, at first glance, neither you nor I would be blamed for thinking it was a tiny little mindflayer lost from it's original home in Baldur's Gate 3. It's this small little runt with short tentacles and honestly, doesn't look like it would take much to take out. Like...I want to just punt it. Really hard.Of course fate throws some sludge in my face for thinking this would be easy. The Mucktorok starts spewing muck all over itself, and then spews out a fucking sludge shark that can swim around in the floor. That's in no way fair, and I totally plan on complaining to the Demon King about it at my earliest opportunity.This one was a legit challenge for me, I'll be real with you guys. The shark swims around, sometimes charging at me or my companions, sometimes doing a belly flop on the floor and creating a sludge tidal wave that rapidly expands over the entire arena, or even just start spitting out tons and tons of more sludge over the floor. The sludge slows me down to the slowest of crawls, y'all. I cussed the most so far during this fight. The most.Thankfully my former lover had my secret weapon: water. Sidon gives me a water barrier which can absorb damage, and if I swing my weapon while in it I can create a long range water projectile! That was the way I managed to (slowly) take down the little parasite and his poop shark. Yeah, in a nutshell I had to have a poop fight to finally cleanse the Water Temple and save the Zora down below.I need all the showers after the ordeal. And Sidon is no longer invited.As suspected, he and I have a meeting with the spirit of the ancient Sage of Water, who explains the Demon King situation to Sidon. After which he gets super pumped about helping all of Hyrule and being heroic with me on a larger scale, and becomes the new sage with secret stone included. Now I'll have three Force ghosts travelling around with me, which isn't spooky or sometimes annoying at all!I will give Sidon praise for one thing, however: he's the first sage to correctly identify that the Sage of Time we keep seeing in these instructional flashbacks looks exactly like Zelda and make the connection that it actually is her. I'm legitimately impressed. Begrudgingly so, but impressed nonetheless.We return to the Domain and find the sludge has dissolved, leaving the buildings and water crystalline and pristine once again. I am heaped with praise, as is right and true, although I note that the Zora are tossing almost equal amounts of praise on Sidon too. Which...I mean he was there but I really did the heavy lifting, let's be so real.Sidon's dad, Dorephon, also takes this joyful opportunity to retire from kingship which I didn't realize was a thing one could do. Sidon is now King of the Zora, and that...makes Yona........Queen of the Zora.Yay.I can't bring myself to hate them forever because the two of them are, actually, incredibly caring for their people and fighting evil. There hasn't been an ounce of groveling yet, though, so forgiveness is still off the table. I'll be sure to update you if the genuflecting occurs.So I left the fish people to frolic sludge-free for now, and I'll be enjoying some side quest action for a bit while I mentally and emotionally prepare myself to see what fresh hell awaits me in the harsh Gerudo desert. ...I mean it's most likely sand storms. Girding my loins will still need to happen though.As I leave you for now, remember to cherish those you love and the love they surround you with. Commercialism and fishy betrayal may threaten to turn our hearts dark and abysmal, but don't let it happen! Until we next join our favorite twink hero, I love you to the moon and back!

February 23, 2024
You Remind Me of the Babe...: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Have you missed me terribly? I kind of took a mini-sabbatical this week without actually meaning to do so. On the whole I think I needed it: just a bit of time to concentrate on other things and just "be".I'm balancing keeping abreast of the dumpster fire we all are living through and maintaining my own peace in the middle of it all. That's a tall order!Speaking of tall orders...I am, of course, speaking of our diminutive Hyrule hero. We left off last time having just come off successfully saving yet another tribe from devastation and ruin. It's quite a load to bear so I've been spending some time seeing to minor side tasks. That to-do list sits there beside my map all the time, chastising me for neglecting it, so I needed to take some action.This time, however, I sort of ignored the list because a nagging mystery was calling out to me.So in my flights of fancy around the realm - literal flights, mind you - I've seen these odd structures sitting on the landscape and dotting the skylines. These squat, square ruins that are super imposing even from great distances. They're obviously Zonai in nature, and they are, in fact, labyrinths.This would be a great moment for David Bowie's codpiece to make an appearance and, to tell you the truth, I was disappointed that it didn't.These massive puzzles were a headache in Breath of the Wild, but now with the Upheaval they've gained an added layer with matching confusing structures mirroring the land-based labyrinths below. I've been eyeing them for quite awhile at this point, but I was too scared to brave them.Until now!In the far northeastern corner of the Akkala region sits the Lomei Labyrinth. It's off the northern coast, which is all imposing and what not. These things are not terribly easy to access on the best of days but I managed to find a sneaky underground way into this one thanks to a cave system nearby on the coastline.The general gist of these labyrinths is to make your way to the center, where a shrine sits and a treasure somewhere nearby. (They're almost always located in a lower chamber from the shrine room, and normally guarded by a surprise enemy that's a headache for me and my precious nipples.) This particular site is slightly submerged, since it's situated off the coast in the crashing waves, so half the time I'm traipsing down waterlogged hallways and the other half is spent swimming down them.I just finished a water temple, so this experience was slightly triggering, but the trauma was only just beginning.When I got to the shrine room, I investigated it as normal and received my customary blessing from inside. Then I hopped downstairs and opened the treasure, immediately fleeing back upstairs when some Gloom Hands appeared to drag me down to hell. These things are a manifestation of that gloom that's been wreaking havoc across the realm, and they are intensely frightening in appearance and theme music. I've taken to avoiding them instead of facing them, and I don't care if you judge me for that. Fight or flight, I'm ready-ready-ready-ready, ready to run.So back in the shrine room I encounter a Zonai control panel (I'm calling them that a lot, but they're these magical sigils that respond to my fancy arm and the light I'm gathering to open or start machinations of ancient design). I get a cryptic voice recording from the past, telling me to seek the heart of the labyrinth far over my head. I'm expecting great treasure, but a major obstacle stands in my way.How in the hell am I supposed to get up there?!There is no direct route up, no handy teleportation device available. Up among the sky islands, the floating labyrinths are incredibly remote so I have to get a bit inventive in making my way to the structure. A combination of flinging myself upward and outward starts me off, and then I scrounge islands along my way for Zonai devices to cobble together some flying transports to get me even further. I have to use my personal stock in a number of cases, as well as using Zonai charges to keep them going long enough to get me there.My knees were shaking when I finally touched down and activated a shrine located at the entrance. The gravity also had undergone a lightening transformation much like at the Water Temple previously, which set my nerves jangling. I activate the nearby panel and the labyrinth opens to me, along with another Zonai away message telling me I have to activate four panels within the maze to continue onward.Did I happen to mention there is no floor to the sky labyrinth? There are platforms dotted throughout it but there is nothing but open sky and some scant island ruins below me, as well as certain death. This is truly nightmare fuel, considering how much I adored my time climbing to and around the Wind Temple back in the Hebra region...Trial and error marks my path through the maze to reach the panels. Scary, terrifying trial and error. There are tons of various updrafts throughout the hallways, which can keep me aloft on my paraglider as I search for my prizes. They're not at all close to each other, and there are tons of moments where I'm intentionally freefalling to maneuver around obstacles while hoping my stamina holds out long enough to reach the next available platform.My nerves will never be the same, and all I can think is that there are at least two other labyrinths like this out there and I want to cry at the thought of doing this again.I manage to find and touch all four panels, and the voice leads me on to one final panel directly on top of the maze. I get blown up and gently float over to it, thankful for the reprieve. After activating it...no prize appears. I am quite confused and a bit annoyed. Then the voice returns...Far back below in the labyrinth on land, I had noticed a Depths chasm within the halls guarded by iron bars blocking the way inside. Now, up above the clouds, the Zonai answering machine tells me to dive down into it to retrieve my final prize.Dive...from the very top of Skyrule directly down into the depths. Are you fucking kidding me?!Being an obedient little himbo I do as I'm told though. I fall through the sky maze, down among the floating ruins feeling a bit like Alice going down the rabbit hole. The land labyrinth rises quickly to greet me, and I hold my breath and do my best to adjust my trajectory as I hurtle towards a quite small chasm and then through it into the darkness. I have no idea what to expect down there and I can't see anything - as is normal on these kind of trips to the Depths - and all I can think is that I just want my damn prize and it better not be something stupid.Turns out there's a complex down in the Depths only accessible through this labyrinthine quest, and I manage to light my way and land safely within it. I find some small chests around which I take for myself, but I'm still searching for a final prize when I manage to spot one last Zonai panel....guarding by a gigantic flux construct.Flux constructs are, in a way, the penultimate Zonai creations that seem more at home in Minecraft than Hyrule. Huge stacks of blocks which come to life and squash any perceived enemies that come within swinging distance. They can transform into various dangerous shapes and forms, and have been notoriously finicky to take on, especially the higher forms of them. This one happens to be a Mark 3 version, which means its vulnerable block - its beating heart, essentially - is constantly shifting around it's body, never staying in one place very long which makes targeting it incredibly annoying.And this thing is standing between me and my final maze prize. I cursed quite a bit before actually moving to engage it. Wondered if this was all worth it. Asked myself why Rauru, my friendly Force ghost, would do this to me. Eventually, though, I figured I had to try and had three sages on hand to lend my a helping hand. So off I went.I guess having the sages help out, plus previous experience, paid off this time because I took my time and managed to eradicate the giant construct. Let me tell you, I felt glorious managing to take it down. I won't be so timid about them in the future, for sure.After activating the final panel, my well-deserved chest appeared from the floor and within it was something pretty damn cool: Evil Spirit Armor. I have a feeling the rest of the set can be obtained from the other two mazes, but the armor itself...it reminds me of a dangerous adversary from adventures experienced back in childhood, which both made me very happy and very scared at the same time...I definitely now want to tackle the other two labyrinths, although I'm not happy about braving more death-defying environments to do so. Another item to add to the to-do list, I guess. If there were better music involved, and maybe a Ludo or sex icons about, I might enjoy the experience a bit more.A note I'll make sure and send on to the developers for future reference.

February 27, 2024
Like Sand Through the Hourglass: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?The year is moving on apace, and February is soon to dissolve into March. Spring is somewhere around the corner and while most of you are celebrating I'm still sitting here with arms crossed and a frown on my face because I never get enough Winter anymore.Y'all have yet to realize that Spring and Summer are going to be trying to kill us more and more each passing year but we've done nothing to prepare ourselves for that. None of you wear enough sunscreen and much like that Free Palestine protester last week, you're going to self-immolate while trying to achieve that perfect tan.Eh, you deserve it for reveling in the diminishing of my favorite time of year. Bah humbug, I guess?I don't really mean that, as much as I moan and groan, but I really do worry about the elements trying to kill us. And speaking of nature being lethal...Back into the Hylian himbo world of Hyrule we go!After spending some time gallivanting around the realm I have finally turned my attention toward the last unusual phenomena Purah set me after, and that means braving the dunes of the Gerudo desert. It's an inhospitable place on a good day, so when things go awry there it's a real shit show. ...And it usually has something to do with sand.I prove correct once again as a huge shroud of sand has engulfed much of the area, making travel into and around the interior - including central Gerudo Town - near impossible! This seems eeriely reminiscent of the last time I had to come save the Gerudo people, but this time is more...spooky, thanks in part to the appearance of some gnarly new monsters emerging from the sand storms.The Gerudo, a primarily female tribe of warriors unparalleled in Hyrule, normally find few monsters or enemies a problem but the gibdo have made their lives a living nightmare. The gibdo are these shambling zombie-like creatures with a decidedly insect aspect to them. Some of them even fly about on delicate, gross wings! To top it off, they're basically impervious to all attacks. The only thing that can strip them of their tough hide is fire or electricity. Without them, they pose a serious threat, especially in large numbers.The Kara Kara Bazaar is my first stop upon jumping into the blistering/frigid wasteland. That's this little outpost where most outside tribes and Hylians come to do trade with the Gerudo, seeing as how no man is allowed inside the walls of Gerudo Town. That puts a damper on the primarily male field of commerce (boo, misogyny), and so the Bazaar becomes the de facto place to sell and buy wares.Of course the people there tell me to try and traverse the sands with the shroud making compasses go haywire and visibility a thing of the past. I don't listen to mere mortals, though, and so I just jump right in. I'm no wuss! My nipples may chafe in the swirling wind but they've chafed before and I'm still standing.Thanks to some convenient updrafts allowing me to sail mostly above the sand storms, I arrived at the gates of Gerudo Town safely and prepared myself to figure out how I was going to convince the guards to let me, a simple voe (that's "man" in the Gerudo tongue) inside. Instead...I was greeted by nothing but eerie silence.Gerudo Town is quite literally a ghost town. Sand is piling up in great heaps all over, doors and windows are boarded up, there's wind-tossed debris all around and there are even a few gibdo lurking around the empty buildings. It's freaking creepy, and I seriously considered just leaving the way I came and calling this a lost cause....Unfortunately that's not how the game works, so instead I started looking around for signs of life.It didn't take too long to find a new hole in the palace steps, and voices down below. Turns out the Gerudo within the town's walls looked to this underground shelter for safe haven, an ancient hiding place. Seems to me that a lot of the tribes of Hyrule - Rito, Goron, Zora and now Gerudo - all had these long forgotten reliquaries of knowledge just sitting around and never thought to look into them until now. Kind of lazy, if you ask me, and look what's happened because of it! I'd "tsk tsk tsk" them but I'm afraid I'd get sand in my mouth.I'm turned away from the entrance by a guard, though, because of course my glorious visage isn't recognized and since I'm a simply twink I'm not allowed in the girls' club. A chance reading of a royal diary in the palace above, though, lets me know that there's a secret entrance in the throne room that I should be able to access easily enough. I just won't tell Riju, my dear friend the Gerudo chieftain, about that little personal intrusion.I drop down into the shelter and immediately get yelled at, not to mention spears pointed in my face. Only the intervention of another familiar friend, Buliara, saves me from some nasty cuts and possible imprisonment. Buliara is Riju's main protector and captain of the guard, and she gives the order to allow me free passage in the town and shelter. Take that, ladies!I explore a bit, because side quests are everywhere, but then I eventually head off through an underground tunnel to find Riju. She's off training to better defend her people, and I'm honestly pretty proud of her. Of all my old friends, she's probably the one I'd most likely hang out with during or outside of a crisis. I find her and together we make a lethal pair with her lightning.We get an opportunity to test that partnership as we receive word Kara Kara Bazaar is under attack from gibdo! We take off and make it just in time to protect the little outpost. Turns out the gibdo emerge from these creepy sand hives, which triggers something in me that comes close to trypophobia. Just makes my skin crawl to see those holes open up and the creepy cicada zombies come crawling out...The desert seems to not appreciate our pest control efforts, though, and we witness huge twisters emerge around the distant Gerudo Town. Riju rightly assumes this means an attack is imminent, so we high tail it back and prepare for war.I help coordinate troop placement and barricades, and then we survive the onslaught. Me and Riju's lightning combo is deadly and we emerge victorious. In the aftermath she shows me some murals that give super cryptic instructions that, as a seasoned pro at this routine, I deduce will lead us to yet another temple.The riddle requires me to light three red pillars out in the wastes to lead the way, and so I traipse through the sand feeling a lot like the Ping Pongs from Spaceballs, combing the desert for clues to my next destination. I admit there were a frustratingly large number of times where I wanted to shout "we ain't found shit" to anybody who would listen.Eventually I do find the pillars and, using some dashing archaeologist daring-do, I reveal an ancient battery from the sands. Riju and I strike it with lightning - because that just seems natural to do, despite that look you're giving me - and I kid you not when I say that causes an entire temple to rise from beneath the dunes!The Lightning Temple makes itself known, and me and my warrior queen stretch a bit and then head over to take it on. ...However, the first thing we do is piss off Mama."Mama" in this instance is Queen Gibdo, the Scourge of the Lightning Temple and the source of the sand shroud and the whole gibdo curse. She is very angry at our attempt at intruding in the temple and attacks, and we wail on her for awhile before she flies off - like the cowardly cicada she is - to the tip top of the temple.After traversing the lowest bowels beneath the temple, Riju and I access the interior and find the lift that will take us to the roof. Another sage voice from the beyond instructs us on how to give it the right amount of juice, involving shocking four batteries somewhere within the temple. Wash and repeat from my previous temple runs, really, but this time with a decidedly Brendan Fraser bent to it. If scarabs start pouring from the walls, I wouldn't be surprised.Now I'm absolutely going to go and prepare for the trials ahead before I take on the temple and her royal pain in my ass at the top, just to make sure I don't embarrass myself in front of the Gerudo. I'd never live that down. A voe who can't handle taking care of a bug? That shame would live on long after me.

blog archives: january 2024

January 2, 2024
It's Just Funny That It Happened Twice: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Hope you had a wonderful holidays and are starting the year off healthy and happy. I'm one of those things, and the tissues by my bedside probably gives you a signal as to which it is. It has at least given me time to properly start in on The Crown, which is leaving me positively riveted. ...Please, no admonishments for waiting so long to start it. I'm already overcome with renewed hatred for Prince Phillip (may he not rest in peace) and Charles (who I detest enough not to give any titles) so I don't have space for your judgement too.The Christmas and New Years celebrations, along with time to hate on British royals past and present, brought a lot of lovely new memories but also granted me some additional funds via gift cards (thanks to my nephew and niece, Brady and Harper). I could think of no better way to spend it than on some games I had been wanting: the new DLC expansion for Disney's Dreamlight Valley (A Rift in Time), and one of the biggest gaming star titles of 2023 - The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.I'll have plenty of time for a low down on the royal scandals of Her Majesty Elizabeth II and her family at another time soon. Instead I wanted to take you with me as I dive into this newest Zelda game....Get it? "Dive in"? Because there are sky islands and you...you fall through the air...a lot...You could give me a pity laugh there, I'm getting back on the horse here! And hey, another pun!So, the opening stark, bare title credits roll and I'm traipsing along beside Princess Zelda once again. For some reason we're deep down in some obviously creepy and malevolent tunnels. Underneath Hyrule Castle, even! Did the Hylians just give no thought to site scouting when they built things?!In fairly short order the princess and myself apparently release a long dormant evil because of course we do. The Demon King had been taking a long, severely dehydrated nap down there for who knows how long thanks to some glowing helping hand, but our arrival knocks it loose and the shriveled baddie wakes up on the majorly wrong side of the bed.I step up to guard my princess as any good knight would, with a full compliment of hearts and the Master Sword glowing and ready for action. How was I to know Demon Daddy had some vampiric secrets up his sleeve? His magic envelops my sword and my sword arm, and before I know it I've been sapped of all but three - THREE - hearts, and then he breaks the Master Sword!Did he even KNOW what I had to go through in order to get that thing back in Breath of the Wild?? All those hearts painstakingly acquired and he just swats them away. I tell you, some people can be so callous. So rude!Anyway, Mister Mistoffelees does some grand spell work and everything in this cavern kinda goes topsy turvy. Zelda can't seem to keep her balance well at all, which I find disgraceful in someone of her station no matter what she's been through so far, and she pitches off the edge of a bottomless chasm. And I...jump down after her. Like a dumbass. Now-shriveled hand outstretched to save the day.Only I miss. Big time. Down she falls into the darkness. She gives a delicate gasp, which again I find a little annoying, and then something kind of odd happens. She had picked up some jewel or gem that had fallen off of the mummified corpse of Mick Jagger just before he woke up, and it apparently had some magical juice left in it because soon Zelda's engulfed in this warm golden light and POOF, she vanishes.I'm still falling, however. Kind of regretting my rote heroic leap now. Only then something appears to catch me, and I look up and It from the Addams Family has a hold of me. Just kinda me and the helping hand, dangling above imminent death. Then it gives me a hard yank into some glowing blue light and we peace out, leaving Hyrule on the surface to experience yet another doomsday event.The next thing I know I wake up in a shallow pool of water with basically no clothes on. A disembodied voice is congratulating me for accomplishing the small act of waking up from a nap. It's not all that much of a shock as it's occurred before, it's just funny that it's happened twice now...The difference here is...well, the difference is I have an entirely new hand. New arm. And it's clearly not mine. Or even remotely Hylian. That's kind of off-putting, to put it mildly. Plus it's come with some fresh ink all the way up through my shoulder and upper chest, which is a bit "ooh, aren't I trying to be big and bad" but I didn't have a say in it. Consent is key, whoever approved this!I keep hearing from the voice that they've been waiting for me, that Zelda's told them all about me. Well, that's all well and good but then I make my way outside and I'm on an island IN THE SKY?! Just floating, just existing. In the air. Maybe a dragon or two flying along in the clouds in the background.......Awwww shit. Here we go again.I meet the disembodied voice who becomes the Hyrule equivalent of a Force ghost from Star Wars and he introduces himself as Rauru, The Bearer of the Right Hand. Yeah, turns out this new hand and arm of mine used to be his once upon a time. How lovely. And absolutely creepy, this will never become normal.Being observant as I am, I recognize that Rauru looks just like the etched depictions of the Zonai, this mysterious tribe Zelda had been researching for quite some time and who were once these god-like beings who descended from the skies and essentially started the land-based kingdom of Hyrule. Which is really cool to encounter but...I'm still super confused about where I am and how I got here. Did I mention I barely have ANY clothes on?I'm not gonna get answers anytime soon, though. Rauru tells me Zelda's supposed to be waiting for me at the Temple of Time, this upside down, ziggurat-looking structure up here on this Great Isle (which used to be the Gardens of Time, I gather from inferences ole Rauru and his mechanical servants make here and there). I'm doubtful because I've played this story before in myriad different guises, but I set off all the same.Turns out my new glowing appendage doesn't have enough juice - "light" - to open the temple doors, though, which is annoying but expected. Rauru encourages me to seek out the Zonai shrines dotted around the island to get my arm energized again as well as learn some new tricks, such as being able to move and stick almost any object together (I love arts and crafts) and fuse my weapons with anything from my bags (that Fuse ability is actually incredibly useful and awesome, especially when it comes to arrows).For now, that's where I've left off: roaming around this aerial ruin looking for shrines that absolutely give off some Georgia O'Keefe vibes upon closer inspection (if you know, you know), searching for a shirt so my nipples can catch a break, and just generally investigating everything I can to get back into the swing of things old and new. Not to mention I've already found a few of those woodsy little shits, the Koroks, again and I am...looking forward to finding them in my journeys once again. (Please read intense sarcasm in that last part.)I'll make sure and update you as I go, but so far it's gorgeous and I'm ready to take on another Zelda adventure. It feels good to start something new and positive, especially after my last entry from near the end of 2023. Good things are coming, and I aim to facilitate them whenever and wherever possible!Here's hoping you still want to come with me.

January 4, 2024
High Flying, Adored: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Do you make New Year's resolutions? I've never held much stock in them, myself. They're aspirations that all too often and easily fall by the wayside by March, or even February at the earliest. Why would I make some fickle commitment I'm doomed to break?The only sentiment I've "committed" to so far is so show my Dad just as much affection as I do my Mom, which is sure to thrill him since he's not the world's biggest fan of cuddles or shows of physical affection. That's an added bonus to showering my much-deserving Dad with love.Maybe the only other one is to devote more to my writing, and writing more on what I love most: movies, music, books, and video games.Speaking of which, when last we left off in my adventures in Skyrule (the floating islands above Hyrule; term copyrighted to the dear Martin Clifford)...I was bounding about the Great Sky Isle, having been sent on a search for Zonai shrines - Shrines of Light - by Rauru, or the spirit of him anyway. You know, the more I interacted with him the more I was put in mind of those kangaroo mutant guys from the movie Tank Girl which were part of my sexual awakening, which just means I may or may not have the hots for a ghoulish Zonai from the past. ...Yeah, that checks out for me.So I made my way from shrine to shrine, using my trusty Purah Pad to guide me along the way. That handy little thing, based on the Sheikah Slate I depended on while trying to end the Calamity, is so damn useful but I hate when I use the scope to scout for landmarks. I drop a pin over some outcropping or a shrine sighting, let my map guide me to the spot, only to realize my depth perception is absolute shit and I'm nowhere near my actual destination. GPS needs some major upgrades in Hyrule...Anyway I make my way on my ghost guru's path, learning to utilize the Ultrahand ability to build almost anything with the right parts laying about, making the most of Fuse to make these crappy weapons much more useful, and even doing a bit of physics-bending with the Ascend ability: diving straight up through barriers and popping out on top of otherwise insurmountable odds. For someone who lost a limb and had a poltergeist sew on a replacement, I'm adapting pretty well.Part of this big island is frosty as hell, and anyone who also roamed through Breath of the Wild knows that freezing temps can kill you quick. Luckily I managed to stumble on some warm pants to protect me, even if the shirt/shawl I found still leaves one nipple to chafe and fall off. The last shrine was found and completed, and I head back to the topsy-turvy Temple of Time in the distance.(The return flight is pretty fun because I'm introduced to these Zonai glider devices which just look cool and travel really long distances.)I'm able to open the temple doors finally, and sure enough inside I actually find Zelda! Well...in a manner of speaking. I touch this teardrop-shaped object (I'm sensing a theme here...) and I'm transported to the same spot but in this foggy other-realm where Zelda is hovering - yes, hovering - in front of me. She's got her eyes shut, which I think is kind of rude when you have visitors, and she just reaches a hand out. I'm like: ".....umm, hello to you too." I take her hand and the brand new arm glows!I get yet another new ability, Recall. This nifty trick lets me alter the flow of time for a specific object, letting me make it reverse its trajectory for a small amount of time. Now that is going to be super handy. Of course, the minute I'm gifted this little ability Zelda disappears again! This behavioral pattern of hers has to stop, maybe I should suggest a therapist for her to talk about avoidance?Once I'm back in the normal world, Rauru, my own personal spirit guide, pops up and even says it's weird what just happened. Oh really, Rauru? THAT is the part of all this you find strange?!I'm able to use the ability to make my way deeper into the temple, but the final door takes a lot of strength - or hearts - to open, and I apparently don't have what it takes. Then Rauru reveals that there's one last shrine on the island that surely will help me find the necessary strength. Oh now you tell me...I backtrack to the vault in which I woke up, thanks to being able to teleport to certain places I've visited before (very glad to see that ability carried over from Breath of the Wild). My recently learned abilities allow me to discover a hidden area in the caves where the last shrine awaits, and after completing it I take another familiar glider trip back to the temple.I beg the goddess statue in the temple for an additional heart container (thanks, Goddess Hylia), and the door opens onto this long, broken path suspended in the air, culminating in a pavilion where a shimmering orb of golden light awaits. Rauru stops me before I hop, skip, and jump on over, though, saying he's done all he can for Zelda now (mysterious...) and that he's glad he finally got to meet me. I am left still super confused by absolutely everything as he becomes one with the Force and dissipates in the breeze.After overcoming my fear of heights which will no doubt work wonderfully in this game, I reach the pavilion and its altar with accompanying orb of light. My decayed Master Sword starts glowing in response, so I apparently decide that means I should place the weapon in the light. Why I make that automatic assumption I don't know, but Link-me decides it's for the best.The sword goes in then disappears! The fuck?! As the player, though, I get a glimpse of Zelda in her new retro outfit on what appears to be the same pavilion receiving the battered and broken sword. If that's the case, where is she? Or when is she?! My instincts tell me the latter question is the more appropriate, but I'm still without any answers.Still, Zelda's voice comes out of nowhere, commanding me to find her. Lady, that's what I thought I was doing earlier!A great roar resounds through the air, and the clouds in front of and below me blow apart as a great white dragon bursts forth from below and sails off in the sky. The once familiar geography of Hyrule takes shape below me, and I know my next steps...[cue Tom Petty's "Freefallin'"]I take a flying leap and sail on down to the home I once knew: Hyrule. Or what's become of it, anyway. I can see there's been some upheaval since I was last topside, and in fact the people I begin to run into name the new calamity just that - The Upheaval. Hyrule castle is floating in the air, with devilish gloom seeping out in all directions from underneath, and other chasms have opened up around the countryside. Why am I getting echoes of Cataclysm from World of Warcraft??In front of the castle and castle town ruins is a new encampment so I head there. Lookout Landing, it's called, and sure enough I find some familiar faces: namely that crazy Sheikah sister Purah herself, now safely altered to stunning youth after her 100 year old self attempted to revert the aging process back in Breath of the Wild and turned herself into a child instead. Robbie, who aided her research efforts from Akkala in my last adventure is here too, along with a new youthful and energetic researcher named Josha who I just want to punt like a football. What can I say: I'm not a kid person.Everyone who recognizes me is startled since they've been looking for me and Zelda since the Upheaval rocked their world, and me showing up sans princess is disturbing to say the least. Purah tells me to go meet up with the team searching the castle ruins, and even they barely believe my story. Captain Hoz, overlooking the outfit, is dubious, but then we actually see Zelda in her crunchy granola glory from atop the first gatehouse to where the castle once sat.She looks at us all beatific and meaningfully, then rises into the air and becomes a little ball of light, floating away.The game has really barely started and I'm already refraining from clapping if it'll clip that little fairy princess's wings. Nobody likes riddles when they're facing imminent and mysterious destruction, Zelda!!So I make my way back down to Lookout Landing to confer with Purah and the gang. She's of the mind that if I go out and investigate the weird phenomena that have sprung up across Hyrule, I'm sure to discover more about Zelda's current whereabouts along the way. That makes sense in a hero's journey kind of way, sure. I get a layout of the Landing and what I can get there - items, clothing, a place to rest and cook for free (cause this Hylian is BROKE). Then I'm introduced to the new Skyview Towers: a system of structures all over Hyrule which will help me map out the countryside. I get a paraglider (ahh, my old friend...) and am propelled out the top of the Lookout Landing tower and tremendous speeds, and from there I use my Purah Pad to map the surrounding area. Then I glide to my heart's content safely back to the ground. This game really makes it clear that me and the wind have to become close friends if I'm to succeed at all.With a general sense of direction - to tackle the chilly Hebra region, where the Rito and Rito Village reside - I stock up and paused, and I'll make my way to colder climes the next time I hop back into Hyrule.So far Tears of the Kingdom has not disappointed. It's predecessor was gorgeous, and it does everything it can to achieve the same and surpass it. It feels even grander and more expansive and I only just started! I'm looking forward to seeing what new and familiar faces pop up soon, and more than anything I'm excited to start my conspiracy board to explain what in the hell is going on.

January 9, 2024
Baby, It's Cold Outside: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?I know I'm probably heavily in the minority here, but I love the cold weather. Whenever I see temps dropping I just get so happy because that means I get to be in charge of how hot I am instead of being at the mercy of nature.So with another polar vortex/storm/debacle on the way next week, not to mention the chilly rain during this one, I am one happy homo.And it just so happens, when last we left our intrepid Hylian hero in TotK, we were heading toward a naturally chilly region of Hyrule that was experiencing record lows...I had gotten my briefing from Purah in Lookout Landing on investigating the regional phenomena, and thanks to some heavy hinting from a number of the locals I had marked the Hebra region on my map: apparently some truly unseasonal snows have buried the home of the Rito bird people, and I might just get some headway on my Zelda search.Before I left, though, the energetic new researcher Josha caught my attention with talk of those nasty new chasms that have appeared all over the place. Almost bottomless pits just oozing with that nasty gloom stuff. Apparently she thinks there may be more to the underground habitat down there, and Robbie (the old geezer of the research team) volunteered to show me around down there while we looked for evidence of a completely unknown race. Bonus: he'd show me how to use the camera mode on my Purah Pad, because hero is my title but amateur photography is my passion.The survey teams weren't kidding around: light from the surface just doesn't exist down in the Depths. Pitch black is an understatement. It was a good thing I've been gathering a ton of those brightbloom seeds on my forays into the various caves along my way, they help light things up. Robbie beat me down to the bottom and took off on his own, no doubt overexcited about finding some novel relics concerning these weird rock people. And no, I don't mean the Goron for once.A survey team member pointed me in his last known location and I started off slowly. I happened on this huge root that started making my fancy arm glow. (That phrase still takes getting used to...) When I touched it, the whole root started glowing so brightly that it lit up a huge area of the Depths around it! That's incredibly convenient!When I found Robbie and yet another light root, he posited that somehow they must be linked to the Shrines of Light, which are located directly above them. Guess I'll add that to my running list of Things That are Strange but I Accept Anyway. We did find these large statues of these odd new creatures, and I snapped a pic for Josha back at the landing. We made our way back to deliver the exciting find, leaving more spelunking in the Depths for another time.After dropping Robbie and the picture at the Landing, I officially set out for Hebra and Rito Village. It's a slow road because I get distracted by shrine hunting and testing the limits of my hero skills (I took down a Battle Talus, a walking mountain with bokoblins riding on top).Then I just so happened to run across one of the coolest and oldest people I know: Impa, the former elder of the Sheikah clan. I'm not used to seeing her outside of Kakariko Village, let alone so far away from it, but here she was survey this random field.Turns out the Upheaval heralded yet another new occurrence in Hyrule. These monumental pictures, or geoglyphs as she's started calling them, appeared on hillsides and fields all over the countryside. After telling her about all that's happened to me and Zelda, she thinks maybe these huge glyphs are related to Zelda too. ...Because why wouldn't they be. Everything revolves around that girl, I swear to Hylia...We take a ride up into the sky above the geoglyph to get a better look, and I can't help but recognize my spiritual guide Rauru in the depiction on the ground. Impa thinks these symbols all have something to do with the "Dragons Tears", some relic of mysticism from ages past. I do happen to see something sparkling down in the "eye" of the picture below, so I glide on down and check it out.I'll be damned...Impa was right. I find this little pool of water, and when I touch it it coalesces into a tiny orb which begins to glow...I'm granted a vision of Zelda! She's falling gently out of that warm golden glow I saw her drop into down in those horrible tunnels. Then these two figures - one of which is very familiar - appear, rushing to her aid. One is like a gorgeous proto-Hylian, and the other...well, the other is Rauru! Turns out these are King Rauru and Queen Sonia, the very first rulers of Hyrule! Zelda gets the same rude awakening to this once she opens her eyes and sees them kneeling over her. This means that she really must have gone backwards in time, but then why have I and others seen her floating and gallivanting about in this present?One answer, ten thousand questions.So now, with another task to add to my agenda with these geoglyphs, I head back out for Hebra, stopping off at another one of those Skyview Towers to expand my map for quicker fast travel when I need.I make it into Hebra proper and...Holy Helia, this is cold. Bone-chilling cold. Turn the blood in your veins to ice cold!I'm super glad I've come across at least two pieces of gear in some caves which give me some reprieve against the chill, and plenty of cold-bracing meals I made back at Lookout Landing. The chest piece finally covers both of my nipples, which is a nice change of pace so far. I'm not sure what Hyrule fashion so far has against me not chafing my areoles but I'd like to complain to a manager about it at some point.I find what was once the Rito Stable, one among mang horse stables and by-way rest stops scattered all over Hyrule. This one is now the home of the Lucky Clover Gazette, which seeks to uncover the breaking news wherever possible. ...By some seemingly less than above board means. However the management wants to help locate Zelda like the rest of us, so me and my new Rito team member Finn are tasked with visiting all stables to dig up clues and leads now that I'm a part of team Lucky Clover Gazette.Some new employment under my belt, I slowly climb my way through some deep snow drifts to Rito Village, which is snowed under in a big way. This massive storm has brought the plummeting temperatures, snows, and winds, and the Rito are struggling to get by. ...Again. I get the feeling that the varied people of Hyrule don't learn well from their own history.Tulin! Tulin is the son of Teba, a noted Rito warrior who was a good friend and ally of mine during the fight against the Calamity. Now Teba is the Rito chief, and Tulin isn't such a little chick anymore! Well..he's still pretty diminutive, height-wise at least, but he's super plucky and looks to have his own ideas about saving his people from their current icy plight.Most of the birds I meet with in the village are speaking of some Stormwind Ark, a legendary ship which saved their tribe in the distant past. Some are even banking on it saving them this time, though I'm not exactly sure how. Stranger things have definitely happened, though...After Tulin had an angsty teen moment with his dad and flew off, I took a bit to restock and decide what to do next. It's pretty obvious Tulin is going to be instrumental in my journey here in Hebra, so when I return I'll go off and find the sulking youth and see what trouble we can get into together.In the meantime, all of you reading along stay dry and warm out there! And let me know if there are other games you'd like to see me play and write about. As expansive as Tears of the Kingdom is looking to be, I can't traipse around Hyrule forever and I want your advice and what to play next!

January 11, 2024
In the Heights: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Today's meeting of the minds, dear friends, has to begin with a moment of truth. A minute to clear the air and pull back on a deception I have been perpetuating for a number of years now. You may feel very differently about me afterward, and I'm prepared for the backlash.Okay. ...Here goes.........For as long as I can remember, I adamantly denied having a fear of heights. I qualified it instead as having a fear of "falling from heights".Ladies and gentlemen, that was false. I do, indeed, have a total fear of heights. Full stop. No waffling about what it's called.It's bad enough that I even have a fear of heights in the games I play. Any scenarios where my character is up high, with bottomless nothing below and a path forward full of perils and pitfalls, send my anxiety skyrocketing.Which leads me to our continuing journey through The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom...After checking on the snowed-in residents of Rito Village, Teba (the elder and my old friend) advised me to seek out Harth and the scouting parties searching for food and roaming bands of monsters. Tulin, the little bright-eyed bird now become a sullen teenaged fowl, had flown off in a huff to help them out. Something - maybe an innate sense of how video games tend to play out - tells me that Tulin is going to play a big role in this latest story, so after checking in with Harth and his team I start scouring the Hebra mountains.If the village was bad, the mountains were even worse. The giant, swirling, malevolent blizzard raging high over Hebra Peak really is making a winter nightmare out of the region, and for a flightless creature like myself it's slow going. I check in with some random scouting party members I find and help where I can with some cave spelunking, but finally I manage to find Tulin looking pretty crestfallen.The teen had actually found the monsters who had so recently been threatening the village and taken off after them, only to lose his favorite bow to them in a hearty failure. I promise to help him get it back and take on the creatures with him, and in turn he gives me a hand with his gust ability to paraglide even further distances than I can on my own!Together we take them down and secure Tulin's prized weapon, and Harth flies in to commend the young Rito on learning a great lesson: it's better to work together than go off on your own. Awww, I love teachable moments where I'm also attempting to keep my nipples from icing over.Harth then gives both of us the go ahead to climb the peak and try and find the source of the raging blizzard above it's apex. Tulin also admits he lost the bow initially because he thought he spied Zelda somewhere on the sky islands floating up there! Well now we've got to scale the peak, right? ...I mean, I'll accept alternatives...I'm going to try and describe the ascent without devolving into a spiral of post-traumatic stress disorder. The "sky islands" in question were more like floating ruins slowly revolving up further and further into the sky, with temperatures plummeting the higher we went and winds blowing and safe harbor harder and harder to find. Whoever made the ruins - the Zonai, I'm assuming - apparently didn't believe in railings, and with the broken bits of stone tilting in odd directions my heart was constantly beating a mile a minute.Each leap, every second of gliding I was holding my breath while trying not to stare at the grey swirling clouds beneath me. Sadly that wasn't the worst part!The Rito had been talking about that legend of the Stormwind Ark and this fleet of ships to the heavens back in the village. Turns out there is some basis in fact in those tales! Ships with super bouncy sails just idly soaring around and around. Now I have to use them to propel myself even further away from the ground way below. Fucking fantastic...After many instances where I was sure I'd fall to my death, I managed to bounce and glide my way to the tip top of the storm and dive down into it's midst and...there it was. The actual Stormwind Ark, otherwise known as the Wind Temple! It was real, and somewhere in it's massive hold was whatever was creating this angry blizzard. As we were slowly making our way up, Tulin and I had heard this odd voice urging us to come find it. Was that voice the source?We couldn't find out right away, as the huge portal to the ship's hold wasn't working. Looked like we had to find and restart five separate wind-powered turbines to get all six cogs working at the same time. That involved dodging automated cannons and mechanical Zonai soldiers, and soaring our way in, around, and below the ark. That did NOT help my nerves, let me tell you.Once all the turbines were working once again, Tulin and I returned to the hold and managed to finally open it. I immediately regretted it, of course, because the source of the storm was indeed within, and spewed forth in a pretty awesome tantrum. Colgera, Scourge of the Wind Temple, was this humongous flying centipede covered in ice and pure resentment. It tossed us up in the air, so Tulin and I had to dodge it's lumbering attacks and icy projectiles while gliding and freefalling in equal measure.Nothing comes easy in Zelda games, but you'd think after all these years they'd go a little easy on me. I'm about to be 40 this year, after all. I'll have my AARP benefits and they'll still be doing this to me!Thankfully, with some well-timed arrows of our own and heaping doses of determination (and healing meals which kept me from freezing to death in mid-air), we defeated the huge monstrosity and the storm calmed its winds. Back on the deck of the temple, we discovered another of those odd stones like the one back in the Temple of Time. Tulin touched this one because I'm no fool, and again both of us were treated to a trip into that odd, serene in between world.Zelda wasn't here. Instead, this stately masked Rito appeared. He was the first ruler of the Rito people, and revealed that he was the Sage of Wind who had fought against the Demon King alongside King Rauru and the other sages during the Imprisoning War. Turns out the warriors were unable to defeat him so Rauru sacrificed himself to seal him away, which explains how his disembodied arm had been holding the mummified Demon Daddy in place. Crazy to think that somehow they couldn't defeat him but I was meant to take him down.The elder granted Tulin his secret stone, which would grant him great power, and Tulin became the new Sage of Wind! Apparently this was part of a promise the elder had made to the mysterious Sage of Time after they survived the Demon King's imprisonment. Looks like I need to be searching for some other dormant sages now in addition to my growing list of tasks. It is nice to know I have a new ally in the fight, though. I can even call on Tulin's aid wherever I am now!We returned in triumph to a much more temperate Hebra and Rito Village down below. I much prefer gentle falling or fast traveling to climbing precarious sky islands in the middle of raging storms. After restocking on supplies I talked to some of the locals and took on some requests for help in the region before setting my sights on next steps. I even found a legendary helm of the Rito in the bargain, and Teba - who had given his prized bow to Tulin for his heroism - promised to make me an awesome bow if I bring him the needed materials. I shall definitely be back for that.The last things I did before taking a well-deserved nap in the village was to trek to the last Skyview Tower in the Hebra region and get it entirely mapped out in my Purah Pad. I managed to spot two more geoglyphs in the process, gaining two new visions of Zelda and her actions during all of my travels. Or, I guess, before any of them...The first showed her confirming with Rauru and Sonia that she had indeed gone back in time quite a long way with no way to return, despite knowing the grave threat to Hyrule in the present. Rauru mentioned his sister, Mineru, might just have the knowledge to send her back, and Sonia dropped this innate knowledge that Zelda was indeed their direct descendant. Must be nice to experience Ancestry.com live and in person.The other vision seemed to be long after the prior moment, as I saw a familiar face that I wish I could forget: Ganondorf. That sexy bastard keeps reappearing in my life, and some might take that as a sign that we're meant to be together but I view it as a huge red flag, really.Ganon was in possession of Sonia's secret stone, just like the one Zelda now had (who had had her wardrobe change in this moment). Sonia was freaking dead in Zelda's arms, and Ganondorf goes and puts the stone into his forehead and, shocker of shocks, becomes the Demon King. A blood moon rises, I'm assuming, for the first time behind him and monsters begin appearing and rampaging across the land. Honestly it was pretty freaky to witness, even if it sounded like he was having the best orgasm if you closed your eyes and just listened.Rauru enters the scene and almost goes mental on the new Demon Daddy but Zelda reins him in and they manage to escape before the newly minted Big Bad can take them out. It was a pretty awful scene, all things considered, and I'm left wondering at some of the things said and the implications. Was Ganon a welcome guest among them and then betrayed them? Why would they let him in so close?Again so many questions and so precious few answers. I was super tired after trekking across the countryside and witnessing horrific events, not to mention saving an entire tribe, so after a good rest I think I'll check in on Lookout Landing and take a while to explore more before seeing what fresh hell awaits in the other regions of Hyrule.Maybe they'll stop subjecting me to the torments of tremendous heights? ...I'd like to hold out hope but somehow I think I'm in for more punishment. Make sure to check back in and see if I'm still in one piece, alright?

January 16, 2024
Hey, Old Friends: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?I must have Mean Girls on the brain, with my opinions on the horrendous musical decisions in the latest movie-musical iteration, because I had a dream last night that Tina Fey and my Dad starred in a buddy comedy where she spent a good amount of time trying to instruct him on how to use a smartphone.Honestly? 10/10. It had heart and wit and my Dad does have impeccable, ninja-like comedic timing.That aside, it's time to dive into my latest adventures in Hyrule and the spaces above and below it!When last we left our intrepid and sometimes bare-chested hero, we had freed the Rito and their home in Hebra from the icy grip of a magical blizzard, raised up a new Sage of Wind who's only barely beginning to experience puberty, and found a frightening and arousing vision of Zelda's adventures in the distant past. After checking in on the gang in Lookout Landing and collecting a bevy of side quests to fill up our to-do list, it was time to set out where the wind takes us!...Get it? Wherever the wind takes us? 'Cause we just finished the Wind Temple and...Do not make that face. I am a national treasure.So the first thing I decided to do was, honestly, gallivant about the countryside and explore. I felt the need to check up on a good portion of the rest of Hyrule and see how things had changed since the Upheaval. Plus doing so would allow me to hunt for shrines and towers which will allow me to open up my map and set up more fast travel points because I'm not the biggest fan of horse-riding mechanics in this game or its predecessor and I have short legs.First I took a flying leap into the canyon which separates the Hebra region from most of the rest of the realm. Why you ask? I did it because an old lady told me to do it. Lady Impa, when she introduced me to the geoglyphs dotting the countryside, mentioned that her research had led her to believe the images were somehow linked to the Forgotten Temple, which sits at the bottom of the huge ravine. So I jumped on down and headed to the ruins.I found Impa and her loyal companion there, and after a bit of searching we discovered an interesting room with an interactive map of Hyrule on the floor and a number of images dotting the walls. The images lined up with some of the geoglyphs I had found so far, and we realized the map on the floor marked points where the rest could be found as well.I love a mystery that makes absolutely no sense, so I doubled down on my vow to seek out the other glyphs and visions for Impa. Who knows what'll be waiting for me if I fulfill this task, right? ...It'll be gear. I would bet rupees it'll be gear.Anyway, I left Impa to her own devices and proceeded to shrine hunting and general exploration to the south of Hyrule castle. I found myself in some familiar territory: the Great Plateau, where I awoke from my 100-year beauty rest in Breath of the Wild. I'd recognize those giant cliffs anywhere. I found a weak point in the rocks and knocked them away, releasing a dam of water and giving me an easy entry to the area. It also led to a creepy discovery...I made my way up through the opening and found a head sticking up out of the ground. I had never seen it before because this was all under water previously. It's a large, sort of triangular hooded head with four eyes. Not disturbing at all. But then it started talking to me.Maybe I've finally lost it after all this time...It bade me visit the ruined temple of time up on the hill, where once I had talked with the ghost of Zelda's father. I do have a long history with spirits, don't I? I made my way there and the voice spoke to me again through the goddess statue still standing in there.Apparently this was another god of some kind, who was bound somewhere in the Depths and missing it's eyes. It wanted me to find them, toss them back down into the darkness, and return them to it. ...And you know what? I said sure.The process was a lengthy one and involved running all around the Great Plateau, giving me flashbacks of my first days before facing the Calamity. Down in the Depths I found the Bargainer, as I saw it named: a humongous statue of this entity sequestered away in this ancient mine. Once I returned their eyes they were hugely grateful and gave me a heart container which was super nice of this Cthulu-esque monstrosity.Turns out the Bargainer is somewhat of a god that rules over the dead, or their spirits at least. They're called poes, and they want my help for them and their "brothers" to collect the spirits and return them so they can send them on their way. In return they'd offer incentives, including some really nice gear which would both look cool and be super helpful against the gloom. I'll definitely be poe hunting a good bit in the future.After coming back to the surface and some well-deserved sunshine, I decided to head east and check on two of my favorite old haunts: Kakariko Village and Hateno Village, the main Hylian towns in the realm.Kakariko has undergone a big change, since the Upheaval dumped a series of odd Ring Ruins down on their heads. Scholars and researchers have descended on the town along with tourists interested in the unique new scenery, and Paya, the new chief, is welcoming them in. It'll take awhile to uncover the secrets the rings might hold, especially since some writings in them seem to talk about the "sages".Hateno has also changed, mainly due to a returning resident Cece transforming the economy from agrarian-focused to high, avant-garde fashion. There was some tension in the air between the forces of change and the status quo, but with my silent but sterling charm I managed to help them see a way to working together. Isn't that just wonderful?Robbie had returned to the tech lab there in Hateno, and he now was ready to unlock more features on my Purah Pad to aid me in shrine or material hunting and other functions. I have to head up to Akkala where his old lab sits for some of this work, so I'll have to head north for that and to check on the Gorons and Zora as well. But first...I headed south because I had heard we had a pirate problem. A little seaside village of Lurelin had been overrun by seafaring monsters, and I couldn't let that stand. It took an infuriatingly long time for me to clear them all out - because the game isn't fair and not at all about me rushing and not using my skills wisely - and now I'll be helping the village to rebuild by contributing materials and helping in the construction. I'm a hero who gives back.I still have more exploration to do, but I decided to pause there and let my journey northward wait for another time. After saving Lurelin Village the only thing I did was begin to search for the Great Fairies. These larger than life ladies...well, the only way to describe them is horny. I don't remember exactly when they became so lustful in the Zelda series but they are interesting characters to say the least. They've moved around, apparently, and have become shy once again unless attended to by a roaming musical troupe that I have to cart around to their destinations. ...I'd almost rather just pay them dirty money like last time but I also like to support the arts.Plus the fairies help to improve the gear I find, letting me take harder hits without being one-shot, which I desperately need.So when we return we'll start our trek to the northeast of Hyrule and see what other trouble we can get ourselves into, as well as what familiar faces we can come across.

January 17, 2024
Cheeseburger in Paradise: You Are What You EatHi. Hello. How are you?You find me set up under a number of blankets today because my body is not happy with the flu shot I received yesterday at the doctor's office. Not that you have to twist my arm to get cozy and lazy, but this is medicinal coziness. Take note.I'm taking a brief break from my current Hyrule hijinks to talk about a docuseries I watched last night while trying to keep warm by the fireplace, and how it's got this aging homosexual thinking about how I treat my body. ...And how angry I am that I have to think about it.The series in question is You Are What You Eat, a documentary in four parts which follows participants in a Stanford Medicine study which took around 21 pairs of identical twins and matched one of each pair to a plant-based vegan diet and the other to a more balanced omnivore diet rich in fruits, grains, and veggies. The stated goal, as presented in the documentary, was to see what the pros and cons were for each diet using people whose genetic makeup were exactly the same.I thought it was a really interesting premise, especially as someone who has read the benefits of vegetarian or vegan lifestyles but has staunchly stated previously that I could never bring myself to give up some of the foods that bring my such joy. That's the biggest hurdle for veganism in general, in my opinion: the whole concept of that diet or that lifestyle remains one of restriction, elimination, and deprivation which just isn't sexy enough to get more of us to opt in.It became pretty clear during the first episode that the documentary itself had an agenda behind it, and that only increased as I progressed through the episodes. Although it couched itself as a study of the good and the bad of both diets, clearly the filmmakers and producers were pushing people toward the plant-based diet and worldview.The scientific findings that were laid out at the end of the study did, indeed, seem to favor the vegan diet and its benefits: much higher decreases in bad cholesterol, blood sugar, and weight in the twins who had been assigned (and largely stuck to) the plant-based meals.The more compelling arguments, though, were made through examinations of the agricultural complex, especially that in the United States, and the deplorable and honestly horrific scenes of CAFOs (concentrated animal feeding operation) and the poor results they turn out in our desire for cheap product. I've grown up in rural areas and seen those outfits from a distance and, I hate to tell you, smelled them from afar, but seeing up close what it is like for cattle, pigs, chickens, or even fish in those cramped circumstance, let alone the effects those environments have on the animals and the people around them, turns your stomach.It's both compelling argument and blatant propaganda. The arguments presented, and the alternatives which, I do admit, are pretty ingenious, make for excellent cinema and debate. Seeing some of the results in the twin study, along with those additional stories of the horrors of the industrial agricultural sector, had even me considering if I could actually make a transition to a vegan lifestyle.At the same time, though, the very transparent agenda behind the series makes me cringe. It wasn't really an unbiased study, to my point of view, and instead was always heavily weighted to want to find positive results from the plant-based, vegan lifestyle. I found myself a bit disappointed in that kind of blatant didactic take on the subject.On the whole, I'd still recommend giving You Are What You Eat a viewing purely to make you think about the food you're putting in your mouth and how it can and does affect you. I'm someone who worries more and more about the onset of diabetes (I don't want to talk about what my latest A1C was...) and other possible issues as I approach 40, and finding ways to prevent or reverse negative developments through the food that I eat is a big focus. I love to cook and to eat, and trying new things as well. An aspiring foodie, I guess I'd call myself.Maybe there's a middle way between the two "extremes" that we all should aim for instead of humongous change. Of course, change can be an amazing thing as well. I don't know, I'm not a nutritional expert. I do know one or two, though, and can't wait to hear what they think about the documentary.In the meantime, though, what are your favorite meals that aren't "comfort foods", which we all know means we know they aren't that good for us.While you rummage through your cookbooks, I promise I'll get back to our good boy loyal Hyrule hero. I may also have some other new adventures to take you on as well, so keep a look out!

January 23, 2024
One Short Day in the Emerald City: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Okay, we have to start this session with the Oscar nominations and the egregious, heinous omissions of Margot Robbie for Best Leading Actress and Greta Gerwig for Best Director, both for the blockbuster Barbie....HOW are you going to nominate the movie that, arguably single-handedly, rescued the movie industry in the summer of 2023 - one that is such a love letter to and such a deep examination of the unfair world of women - and NOT nominate the two main women who made it a reality?! Not to mention nominating the man who played Ken in the film, which...only solidifies the message of the movie itself!!The Baftas were the first to pull this onerous stunt but now the Oscars have followed suit and it just makes no sense. I used to be someone who revered these awards as ways of truly honoring fantastic work in the industry which I wanted to be included in. So many times now I have seen instances like this which have made me lose more and more respect for it and the Academy which oversees them.It's a seriously baffling move that has been garnering much-deserved derision all day long since nominations were announced this morning. There were some great nominations out there, and no doubt all very much warranted across the spectrum. But to be completely honest, this Barbie snub is going to taint everything.[deep breath in, deep breath out]Now that I've gotten that out, let's talk about video games!I'm taking the high dive back into Tears of the Kingdom and the realm of Hyrule, and boy have I been diving and flying all over the place.I decided at some point in my explorations that I wanted to go ahead and fill out the map of Hyrule and Skyrule (the floating islands now dotting the clouds; again, all credit for that name goes to beloved Martin). I figure with as many side missions or tasks as I was picking up, having my map completed would help me figure out where I was going and where I had been.(As it turns out, one of the features eccentric little Robbie helped me to install on my Purah Pad shows me exactly where I've been in my gameplay for the last number of game hours. It's honestly a pretty cool feature, and helps out people like myself with goldfish minds who forget things frequently.)As of earlier today, I finally managed to visit every Skyview Tower and can now pull up the entirety of Hyrule, both top and middle, at a moment's notice. (The Depths still need to be mapped out but...that's going to take a good bit longer to accomplish.) As a reward for doing that, I was able to have Robbie unlock travel medallions - three of them - to use. These basically allow me to set down temporary fast travel points like the towers or shrines I've been seeking out so far. They're hugely useful, and filling out my map means I can have three down at a time. Thanks, Goggles!So now that I've managed this task, I have to decide what to do next. As I said earlier, I have a quite large list so far of quests and tasks I can choose from, not to mention investigating the remaining odd phenomenon happening in the Eldin, Lanayru, and Gerudo regions. I'm still vacillating on what to do, to tell you the truth. Having so many options can debilitate you!I figured I'd take this time of indecision to talk a little bit more about the magical stone vaginas otherwise known as the Shrines of Light....Don't give me that look, let me explain.The shrines, on the outside, are this humongous egg-shaped rocks. Surrounding them are these columns that you might associate as a blend between Greek/Roman influences with Meso-American designs. That seems to be the general vibe of the Zonai, the mysterious god-like tribe who created these structures.I liken them to...well, vaginas...because when you find them and activate them, an opening appears at the base of the giant stone. And with the appearance of the columns on either side which have the unfortunate appearance of either dragon heads or hands, it appears as if the Rock Biter from The Neverending Story is either prepping for a gynecology visit or spreading his cheeks to wink at you with his brown eye.It is what it is, people. I didn't create these visuals, I just call 'em as I see 'em.There's also this green/blue tint to shrines, with wisps of the colored energy swirling above unactivated shrines. It pervades within them too, and is present almost anywhere the Zonai have had some influence. (The constructs that have remained to the present day, both the helpful ones and the soldier ones which are a pain in my ass, are emerald-tinted.) It's a distinct color that helps you pick them out in the countryside if you're on the hunt for them.Inside...is always so much bigger than you imagine. The structures inside these shrines are anywhere from simply large to unbelievably massive. The magic that the Zonai must have wielded at their zenith had to be awe-inspiring to create these rooms and hallways.Each shrine is a trial or a test, to prove that the one who has entered is worthy of receiving the Blessing of Light at the end. I will say, some of the trials are legitimately fun to do, but most of them are insanely annoying. Like not enough to make me think "oh this game is such bullshit", despite what I might be muttering as I mash buttons, but annoying in that way which makes your brain hurt when you finally figure out the "trick" or the "gimmick" for each shrine.The ones I cannot stand, with a fiery hatred, are called proving grounds. You're stripped of all your equipment when you enter, and must complete the trial - which includes defeating a number of those stupid soldier constructs - only with the gear that you can find within the structure. As someone who admittedly tends to apply brute force to situations in games when I can't wrap my head around a puzzle, these kind of situations antagonize me. On purpose. At least I believe they're personal attacks against me by the devs.Regardless of my level of stress and annoyance during them, once you solve the trial you arrive at a very ancient alter with two statues which speak to you, giving you a nice "atta boy". After the visions I've seen of Zelda in her Back to the Future adventure so far, I can clearly see that the two figures are none other than King Rauru and Queen Sonia, those gorgeous ancestors who founded Hyrule. They undoubtedly were the original sages of Light and Time, respectively, so it makes sense that these icons of them remain at the finish lines of the shrines to bestow the gift of light which help to banish the gloom. ...And you can turn those blessings in to goddess statues dotted around the kingdom to gain a new heart piece or add a new section of your stamina wheel.Each trip into these emerald pap smears gives you more bang for your buck, including chests hidden within with usually very nice gear or rare gems. Plus the completionist in me loves to find them and make sure I've gotten each and every one, including the ones hidden in caves that you can't see unless your shrine sensor (another Robbie addition for the Purah Pad) is going crazy. Even some of the sky islands have them!I'll keep banging my head against each one I find, but I think my best bet moving forward is to head to Eldin when I next pick up my adventure: something about the creepy gloom pouring out of Death Mountain worries me for the Gorons up there... I'll make sure and keep you updated!

January 25, 2024
Papa Was a Rolling Stone: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?I know that we're still in the midst of two of the worst months of the year - January and February, the miserable weather season and land of not knowing what day of the week it is anymore - but personally I'm feeling some good juju so far this year.Are you feeling some of the same? There might not be anything concrete to point to and say "that right there is giving me hope", but maybe there's just this sense of optimism creeping in at the edges.That sensation is growing for me and I am doing my best to continue manifesting it for myself and others. That's very crunchy granola of me, but you know what? Sometimes I light the incense and the candles, I do a little "om shanti", and I do a love spell by the full moon's light. Practical Magic and my Wicca-phase raised me and raised me well.Anywho, my witchy woman admissions aside, let's get our gear together and head back to the rolling hills of Hyrule...When we last left our intrepid little twink, I mentioned that my next destination would probably be the smoldering cliffs and crags of the Eldin region. I did, however, decide to make a slight detour first for some sunshine and surf.In the far southern reaches of the Eastern Necluda region - the area of Hyrule which plays home to Kakariko Village with its Sheikah citizens and the both prosaic and fashionable Hateno Village - lies a small little piece of heaven called Lurelin Village. Palm trees, coconuts, beautiful sunsets over the ocean horizon: they're all included in the imagery Lurelin brings to mind if you call it the seaside hamlet that it indeed is.The Upheaval that, let's face it, we kind of set in motion had an interesting twist here in paradise. The monsters that terrorized the coast, the seafaring moblins and bokoblins with their portly bosses, grouped together and became actual pirates. Like, they somehow crafted an actual pirate ship that had some decent design elements to it. If they weren't so disgusting I'd say it was impressive, and I won't give them that satisfaction.The piratical monsters attacked Lurelin Village, forcing the inhabitants to scatter to the wind and hope for eventual salvation. ...At some point I'm going to need the denizens of Hyrule to be self-starters and take these matters into their own hands, but for now as long as they pay me I'll handle their bullshit for them. My stomach and purse need filling, and my nipples need covering.I had earlier, in my explorations, happened upon Lurelin and cleared the ruined hamlet of the monster invasion. It wasn't the easiest thing I've done so far, I fully admit, because one slip up and death on my part completely reset my progress. I would arise from death to find all the baddies I had knocked off previously returned to annoy me anew. Rude, was what it was.With the wannabe pirates wiped out, the mayor thanked me profusely, as he absolutely should. He had a familiar companion with him: Bolson, the flamboyant construction guru who mentored the now famous head of Hudson Construction known all over the kingdom. ...When I call him "flamboyant" let's all be super real. Bolson is as gay as the days are long. And I absolutely adore him.Since Lurelin is lying in smoldering shambles, Bolson offers to rebuild the village (with my volunteered help) to thank the inhabitants for being so welcoming to him when he had come to their tiny home a few years prior. I do like helping the less fortunate as long as they ante up, so I gladly accepted to aide Bolson in the endeavor. Some materials delivered, some palm trees felled and deliberately placed, and Lurelin once again stood tranquilly and beautifully beside the glistening waters. In return, the inhabitants really made it worth my while: I can now have a rest at their inn for free, I can get a free meal from their restaurant whenever I like, and the local fisherman will let me have my pick of his latest catches. I'm basically an honorary Lurelin resident and hero.I feel a little like Mel Brooks in History of the World: Part One: it's good to be the king.I picked up some side quests in Lurelin before I left but leave I did, braving the fast travel back to Lookout Landing to resupply before heading off to the northeast mountainous range.Eldin is home to the rocky Goron people and their home beneath the ever-watchful gaze of Death Mountain. These are hefty, solid people who are often mistaken for the boulders and rocks that make up their environment. Mining is their livelihood, and the consistently high temperatures in the region - we're talking hot enough to turn normal arrows to fire arrows just by drawing them, and hot enough to scorch the skin of any unassuming Hylian twinks - don't even cause the Gorons to blink twice. Back during my adventures in Breath of the Wild, Death Mountain had been actively erupting, meaning almost the entire region had been deadly without the appropriate cooling meals and heat-resistant gear.Now with the Upheaval in full effect, Death Mountain has settled way, way down. So much so that the temperatures in the Eldin region have cooled significantly, and as long as I avoid going down into the numerous caves with their high chances of lava, I can actually traipse around the crags without having to fear heat blisters.The Goron themselves...well, I've been hearing odd things about their behavior from various people along my path. There's talk of this new YunoboCo, a mining outfit with a familiar name attached to it (more on that later), but the more worrying news is that the majority of healthy adult Gorons have basically foregone their industrious natures for that couch potato life.The YunoboCo had discovered this new marbled rock roast in their mines, which have turned into a mesmerizing, addictive craze to the Gorons. Elders and children don't have the dental strength to chow down on them, but the adults who indulge turn fanatical for their cravings and ignore everything else. It's kind of unraveling their society, with all work ground to a halt and predatory practices scaring off other races from their capital, Goron City. This is definitely the odd phenomenon of their region, so I'm going to have to get down to business. ....And defeat the Huns.I had to finish that lyric, I couldn't miss that opportunity. I am one of those Millennials that Disney has trained and trained well.So back to YunoboCo itself. The company is named after it's founder - Yunobo - who just so happens to be an old friend of our heroic twink. Yunobo helped us to free the Goron's Great Beast from Calamity Ganon's influence back in our last adventure, and was an epitome of that quintessential "good guy wanting to do good" trope. Just a sweet boy, through and through.The Yunobo I encounter now is drastically different, and is sporting a mask that makes him look more like a luchador than a Goron. He's mean-spirited and pompous; he's a rebel and a tyrant. If it wasn't so jarring I'd be extremely attracted to it. (I have a streak in me that has terrible taste in men, and I fight against it constantly. I'm trying here, people.) He mentions, in our initial reunion, that he both received the mask and began mining the addictive marbled rock roast at the behest of Princess Zelda, which two of his adorable and pitiful kid lackeys confirm. This is troubling, as this isn't the first time I've encountered tales or memories of this sort of bizarro Zelda existing alongside the Zelda we all know and love.I catch him in a meeting with this Bizelda (Bizarre Zelda), and she displays a level of control over him, making him attack me. The ensuing fight, where I knock some sense into his head quite literally and shatter his Nacho Libre mask, is super easy and makes me worry that he needs to get back on a training regimen. Bizelda attempts to trap us in the cave we were in, showing me that they're definitely bad news. Unfortunately Yunobo, returned to his senses and naive view of the world, just thinks it's weird and we need to talk to her to clear things up. .....Sure, Jan.To that end we ride Big Thunder Mountain Railroad up to the tip top of Death Mountain, where Yunobo initially met this Bizelda and received his evil mask. We catch up to her in time to see her essentially make the mountain regurgitate this absolutely humongous lava monster called Moragia. It looks like an amorphous lava blob with three huge dragon heads spitting molten boulders at those stupid enough to approach.And Yunobo immediately wants us to fight it.I honestly sat their for a few minutes in awe of the sheer stupidity of this Goron I call a friend, but in the end I knew he was right and we had to deal with it. Even if the prospect made my butthole clench.With some nearby Zonai items, I crafted us a flying construct and off we went into the wild blue yonder to take on the molten monster. Yunobo has a unique ability to curl into a ball, charge himself and then launch out at enemies and obstacles with destructive force, and whenever our gay young hero hops onto a constructed vehicle Yunobo automatically prepares himself for launch. Super useful in a lot of instances, especially when facing a nightmare fuel of a mini-boss.After a few minutes of bobbing and weaving between the clouds and quite large flaming projectiles, Yunobo and I smashed the three heads of the beast, and it crumbled to dust. In it's place was the Death Mountain Crater and a revealed chasm at its center. Yunobo, that sweet summer child, assumed that Zelda (Bizelda, in actuality) must have fallen down inside of it and leaps to her rescue.Goddammit, Yunobo...I follow him down into a raging hot section of the Depths, with flowing lava in all directions. In the distance, though, is a very sophisticated structure that has a certain...temple-esque quality to it. When Yunobo starts to hear a voice beckoning him toward it, much like what happened to our juvenile bird boy Tulin back in Hebra, I know we must be nearing a sacred place which will test my patience and skill.Sure enough, before long our slog through the Depths towards the structure, both on foot and on constructed vehicles, reveals the Fire Temple, which happens to be the long lost City of Gorondia, rumored to be the original home of the Gorons. We make our way to the central chamber, following Bizelda in Yunobo's innocent quest for answers, but find out path blocked by a huge door which won't open just yet.At this point I unlocked the temple's waypoint and stopped for the day. There were mine cart tracks criss-crossing their way all through the temple, and I can already tell that my anxiety is going to skyrocket as soon as I begin attempting to unlock the Fire Temple's secrets. This will be quite the opposite of the Wind Temple - as far from it as possible, as a matter of fact - but the stress will be the same.I can't wait.Make sure to join me next time and see if I lose my mind and my cool in the Fire Temple's halls. ....Get it? Lose my cool??Come on, you guys are no fun.

January 30, 2024
Hang On, Lady, We Going for a Ride: Tears of the KingdomHi. Hello. How are you?Am I the only one who has a thing for these home renovation carpenters or landscape designers?Like yeah, they're objectively hot as hell most of the time but there is something about that creativity that they utilize: dreaming up some truly amazing spaces and bringing them to life.Or maybe it really is just their arms and, in some cases, their beards.I'm watching more and more of these type of shows where I can find them, and I think I once again get inspired by a super special person: Martin, who coined the term "Skyrule" that I really think he should patent. He happens to have a degree in interior design, and his background in it plus these renovation shows have me all kinds of motivated.I just want to do it all. Including the handymen and designers. For now, though, I'll leave them be and turn once again to the adventures of our favorite short king...When we last hopped, skipped, and jumped our way across the rolling landscape of Hyrule, we had dragged best boy Yunobo (that naïve Goron with a gigantic heart of gold) all the way down to the Depths searching for Bizelda and some damn answers. Remember, we're still royally confused about these Zelda sightings and encounters that don't line up with her normal actions, and we're having major misgivings about this bizarro version strutting here and there.Whoever she may actually be, she's led us to the forgotten city of Gorondia: set amidst picturesque lava falls and flows, the ancient edifice speaks of the rock people's origins deep below molten crust of the world above. ...If you weren't reading that in a Moira Rose accent (of Schitt's Creek fame), then I encourage you to go back and do so because it makes me very happy.This rediscovered metropolis is the Fire Temple, and me and my personal rolling stone Yunobo have to navigate it in order to get at Bizelda. Yunobo thinks she's been trapped in the main chamber by the marbled rock roast that's been altering Goron minds all over the mountain above, but I have a really sneaky suspicion that she's working with the creepy rocks. We shall see who ends up being right in the end.The first thing I noticed about the temple itself was that mine cart rails were looped basically everywhere throughout the crumbling infrastructure. So, of course, I suited up with a fedora hat, removed my shirt to reveal a sweaty yet slightly hairy chest, and grabbed a whip before making a start on conquering this temple of doom.

I'm honestly not about to go shirtless in this roasting oven of a temple, but the Indiana Jones vibes are too strong to not ride these rails and keep a look out for snakes.Now with the way these rails were criss-crossing themselves all over, I knew I was potentially going to get super lost. ...And I was right, it took much too long to figure out my way around. One of the great things about this current generation of Zelda games is the freedom players are given to sort of break the game and figure out innovative ways to complete tasks that the developers may not have originally intended. That means I can try to "force" solutions, which admittedly I do quite a bit.This place? This once forgotten Gorondia? It's not so forgiving. First and foremost, lava is hot and it hurts. Oh, and it's everywhere. One wrong step and these precious twink nipples of Link's will be piping hot pepperoni. Now I'm hungry.Second, as expected there are Zonai constructs still lurking around the corridors waiting to fulfill their ancient masters' instructions to take down the bad guys on sight. Even after all our interactions with them so far they still haven't worked out that we're working with the home team, and that's pretty frustrating. A fun moment or two, though? Legit speeding around in mine cart chases with those green metal bastards firing at us as we go. That...that was fun despite the obvious danger.Again, these mine cart rails are super confusing and, to top it off, some have experienced some wear and tear and aren't functional anymore. I feel like the Zonai and/or the Goron didn't plan all too well for the future, and I shouldn't have to suffer for their poor management skills.After much retracting of steps, terrifying mine cart rides, and a good amount of using Yunobo as a battering ram, we managed to unseal the main chamber doors. I wasn't surprised to have the big guy leap ahead of me into certain death and dismemberment, but it was still annoying nonetheless.We broke into the marbled rocks at the top of the vaulted ceiling - the chamber is basically all rounded walls, so Yunobo can curl into a ball and be sent rocking and rolling all the way up the sides and across the ceiling too - and we discovered that Bizelda was now nowhere to be found. Unfortunately, we woke up a very grumpy Scourge of the Fire Temple called Marbled Gohma. This creepy nightmare looked like a horrible combination of a spider and a crab, made out of stone and the aforementioned marbled rock roast, with one irritated red and yellow eye staring me down like I owed it money.Did I mention that it immediately started trying to squish me with it's huge rocky pincers? Of course it did, why wouldn't it. I realized that Yunobo was capable of smashing its limbs, since they're made of that tasty, tasty...rock...but Gohma soon shows he doesn't like that by spitting exploding boulders at me. Boulders are bad enough on their own but to make them then explode at me is incredibly rude. So many of these monsters, big or small: rude, utter rudeness.After a bit Gohma in his marble majesty decides he doesn't like me and my boulder buddy knocking away at his legs so he jumps and latches on to the ceiling! Walking around on the ceiling out of reach and spitting out rounds of bomb boulders that circle me in if I'm not quick enough to avoid them. This sleep paralysis demon is making me work, I can tell you that much...Unfortunately for him, those curved walls mean I can get Yunobo into his ball-buster form and send him rolling right up the ceiling at those oh-so-tender legs once again. The creepy crab can complain all he wants, but with that adapted strategy we take him down and rid ancient Gorondia of its pest problem.In a move that should surprise none of us after the antics at the Wind Temple, it turns out that Yunobo makes a special connection here in the Temple of Doo...I mean, in the Fire Temple. (No copyright infringement here.) We find another secret stone and the original Sage of Fire explains the situation we're in from the Goron perspective before basically knighting Yunobo as the brand new sage. Looks like I'll be taking shadow forms of both Tulin and Yunobo with me on my further adventures!Yunobo is super excited to be helping me defeat big evil once again, and we return to Goron City to find the marbled rock roast has essentially disintegrated once we took care of its source, Marbled Gohma. The Gorons are freed from their bad acid trip and things in Eldin can start to get back to normal! And I emerged from the whole ordeal with moderate heat blisters and 3rd degree burns. I call that a win. I also call it "ow ow, ow ow ow, OW."My scorched nipples were worth it in the end, and although we were once again left with more questions than answers I feel like we're getting close to finally getting glimpses of the bigger picture here. I've been finding more geoglyphs, with their tear visions of the ancient past and Zelda's - the real Zelda's - vacation there. I can start to see a story being told which could make everything make sense in the present day but there's so much else that needs clarity.Will I receive said clarity? Will I find yet another new sage friend in the bargain? Will my nipples survive any more harsh weather conditions?....I honestly don't know, friend. That twink's titties must be sweating with the thought of more fraught adventures but they're coming! I'll update you on my continuing travails next time, but until then make sure to protect your areolas. You only have a finite amount of them, after all...

blog archives: 2023

• May 2023
• June 2023
• July 2023
• August 2023
• September 2023
• October 2023
• November 2023
• December 2023

blog archives: december 2023

December 20, 2023: The Nightmare Before ChristmasHi. Hello. How are you?[I emerge from the shadows, disheveled and blurry-eyed.]It's been 74 years...Okay maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration. Quite a bite of one. Still, it's been a hot minute since we've met to discuss the goings on.I set myself a goal of using the days of November to ruminate on what made me thankful and happy, and as you no doubt noticed I dropped that ball about midway through and never picked it back up. That...was no accident.There are plenty of things that are bringing me happiness but around the middle of November everything just sort of toppled over.No great mysterious acts of God. No monumental shift in family, or friends.Just a healthy dose of disappointment; of depression. And a dash of medications gone awry.Without realizing it, I had completely gotten off of my anti-anxiety medicine while dealing with a shortage brought on my apparent miscommunications from my doctor. I found myself bouncing back and forth between emotional extremes, and when taking the medicine again finally, my body complained loudly with fatigue and disorientation and a brain fog I've very, very rarely experienced.I knew it was bad because of the look on my mother's face sometimes when she looked at me, talked to me. To say that period was rough would be an understatement.At the same time, I was involved in an optimistic interview process for a remote job opportunity. I've been on the hunt for employment for quite some time now, and if you've been reading my thoughts for awhile now you know this has been one of the most difficult times for me. Things were looking up despite my physical travails.And then there was this icy, dark silence. I was told at one point that if I had a phone call it would be with a tentative offer, and if I received an email it was with condolences. Neither materialized.So now, once again, here I was: rudderless and incapable of supporting myself. Dependent on the good graces of my parents, mainly my father, for which I have no idea how to repay. I've sunk into a place where all I want to do is hideaway and watch comforting, familiar shows and movies, or lose myself in games which take my mind off of the dismal reality I currently inhabit.I even admit that some thoughts, some dreams, have crept in at the edges. Ones which I know would trouble those who still manage to care for me even in such a wretched state.I've opened a window and let some light into my self-imposed cave, but the days are still difficult. At least inside my mind. And the Christmas season is my absolute favorite, and with family on their way this coming weekend I can feel my spirits lifting somewhat.I feel rudderless despite the holiday cheer. I feel quite the failure in...a number of ways. And when the new year comes round in very short order, I hope that some sense of direction and opportunity come through the clouds.You, however, should have the happiest of holidays and a truly happy new year. I want all the best for you in 2024. And you absolutely will see more of me there too. I promise.

blog archives: november 2023

November 1, 2023: Thank Your Lucky StarsHi. Hello. How are you?The spooky season is on the wane now, and Mariah Carey has defrosted for another holiday season. My powers, as a Christmas gay, now begin to grow stronger.I'm sitting here, with The Dark Crystal: Age of Resistance on in the background. I'm still upset that this series didn't get picked up for more seasons because it was so excellently and beautifully done. The original movie, as odd and creepy as some may find it, is a favorite of mine that I adore to this day. There was such potential in this universe Henson and his colleagues dreamed up, so maybe we'll return to it eventually....I'm being a real Debbie Downer, with complaints and regrets and what not. I've been doing that a lot lately. Stress from the job search, financial woes, and a general malaise at the state of the world can do that, I guess.Now, my opinions on Thanksgiving - the next of the beloved Fall and Winter holidays - have drastically changed over the years. The history of the occasion has marred it for far too many of us and I truly don't feel like celebrating the day much anymore.There is a fantastic sense of contentment, though, in gathering with family on that day, or that weekend. It's about spending time with those we share our love and our lives with, whether blood or not. I feel like that is to be celebrated more than some lauded fable of pilgrims and native peoples.Not to be forgotten is the practice of meditating on what makes us thankful. In the midst of so much uncertainty and darkness maybe that mindful moment is exactly what we need in order to persevere. You can't fight the good fight if you lose sight of the goal, or forsake the light because the shadow is easier to identify.So for the month of November, with the possibility of better around each corner, I thought maybe it would do me - and maybe you - some good to focus on the blessings we have at hand. You're more than welcome to share you own as I share mine. We can keep abreast of the tragedies that besiege us daily and use our moments of mindfulness to keep us grounded and smiling.Let the thankfulness commence. ...And make sure to prepare your bodies and the waistlines of your favorite pants, because we can't ignore the feasts to come.

November 3, 2023: To Wong Foo: Thanks For Everything! Julie NewmarHi. Hello. How are you?The other day I dedicated myself and this prestigious blog to focus on things I'm thankful for in the month of November, so I'm gonna kick that off today.......For the record, I saw you make a face at "prestigious blog." First of all, how dare you. Second of all, it is totally prestigious! Everyone's saying so. Go ahead and ask them. I'll wait on your findings at the end of this post.Anyway, back to the subject at hand.People, let me tell you 'bout my best friend.Today, I am supremely thankful and grateful for my best friend, Sidney. I've written about the influence Grey's Anatomy has had on me, and rarely has anything shown that impact more than the way I feel about that beautiful man I routinely call "my person." The absolute Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey.We met fairly early in college, so think of the university world in the early to mid 2000s. He was a friend of a group of friends I had become close with, and the apocryphal first words uttered when he first met me were whispered to one of our mutual friends: "who the hell is this bitch?" It's been so long that whether or not he actually said that is a matter of debate but we maintain this was the official start to our friendship.One of the things that drew us together was our mutual love of musical theatre and theatre in general, which continues to this day, but rarely in my life have I felt such an immediate connection with someone on so many, multiple fronts. He went from friend to best friend to legitimate brother in quick order. While we both lived in the same town during college, we rarely we seen apart. A package deal wasn't a ridiculous title for us to wear, so much so that many of our friends would ask if we were more than just friends.To be clear, Sidney is fine as fuck and has been aging so well that I've thought of voodoo dolls a time or two. He's intelligent and driven, funny and caring: a quintessential "catch." That all being said, we have never seen the other in romantic or sexual lights. That man is legitimately a part of my family, and the thought of our relationship being something aside from platonic just seems wrong!If anything, Sidney is one of the biggest inspirations of my life. He's very Type A and I'm very Type B, but I watch him navigate life and am constantly amazed at how he holds it all together, how he manages to succeed and plan for success despite the universe conspiring against him. I compare myself to him a lot in order to see how I can make myself better. I'm fairly certain I've told him he makes me want to be a better person.He hates that.He's not a perfect person, as I'll get reminded when I gush over him and throw accolades at him. I try to remember that when I'm being down on myself and looking to his example for guidance. I wouldn't want to be placed on a pedestal and he doesn't like it when I do that same thing to him.We've also had our ups and downs in the course of our relationship, and have come out the other side stronger for them. Maybe someday we'll do a podcast, and discuss the tumultuous time when a guy almost tore us apart. "How many men must we share?!" (In hindsight, and even in that moment, I know we both realized the guy was nowhere near worth it.)I treasure so many memories of Friday lunches at his campus apartment while we watched the last taped episode of America's Next Top Model; countless meaningful glances at each other in countless theatre production rehearsals, wondering why we were surrounded by idiots; moments of car ride duets where we never had to rehearse who took the melody and who took the harmony lines; conversations that lasted hours, talking about anything, everything, and nothing. How we talked about wanting to conquer the world. How we talked about wanting a simple love, a simple life.
In recent years, medical complications have dogged him in ways that seem wildly unfair. They're made even more unfair due to my inability to come to his side: I remained in Georgia while he migrated to the gorgeous swamp town that is Washington D.C., and my dire financial straits keep me moored where I am while he pushes through.Last week, due to the most recent developments, he suffered a heart attack. Yesterday, he had heart surgery.He's barely in his mid-30s.As yesterday went on, interminable hour by hour, I felt like I was holding my breath the entire time. I didn't want to constantly bother his partner for updates or information, knowing that he must be as scared as I am in this moment. That meant that I sat myself in the dark, figuratively, sending up prayers to any god who would hear them. Today, his first day post-op, I still feel as if I can't find my breath. Somewhere along the path of our friendship he became part of my reason for living. My stalwart defender. My constant cheerleader. The thought of a time when he isn't here...isn't something that I can consider rationally.I know how strong he is, and how driven to continue striving for what he wants. He's going to recover from this latest ordeal and emerge ready to take on the world. I plan on being there for all of it. These years we've spent apart have strengthened our bond, despite the fact that I abhor phone calls and FaceTime calls and he constantly wants to see my face when we're talking. It feels like our orbit around each other remains steadfast, and the pull we exhibit on each other is incredibly strong. If we don't end up, at bare minimum, in the same city within the next decade I would be utterly shocked.We don't come from the same family, but he's my blood through and through. Today, I am thankful for my best friend.

November 6, 2023: Wam Bam Thank You SpacemanHi. Hello. How are you?Another day, another attempt to focus on the good in the face of overwhelming depression!...Sort of sounds like a tag line for some super hero when I say it like that. I don't know how effective or popular that brand of white knight would be, but perhaps that makes them exactly who we need right now.Anyway, on with a new meditation on things which make me thankful. Today's subject:My mother.Now I know what you're thinking: not only is he playing into a stereotypical gay trope by opining on his relationship with his mom but he also has done this before. "Get some new material," I can hear you say.To which I respond: "Listen here, you little shit, I will end you..."Seriously, I do recognize that I've spoken at length about my mom before but if I'm trying to identify and focus on the things in my life with uplift me and inspire endless amounts of gratitude within me, my mom ranks at the very top. It doesn't matter how often I invoke her for you here! I wouldn't be who I am without her.It may or may not be a surprise to watch me start this celebration of Marthalyn Wetzel Dozier (yes, I just dropped her government name) by saying that there is almost no one with whom I spar more vehemently and more often than the woman who gave me life. Sometimes it feels like we're constantly wielding force fields around each other, attempting to keep the peace while ensuring a safety net for the other made of deep love and respect. Our buttons get easily pushed while traversing the road of good intentions.Those good intentions, now that I think about it, are one of the factors that make me so thankful for my mom. We're very similar in our shared stubbornness, in our petulance, in our temper, but even in the face of any of those hurdles she remains a steadfast bedrock which supports me. She's the first to mention to everyone and anyone that one of my primary means of communication is the rolling of my eyes - a method I've been deftly utilizing since my teen years and maybe even younger - and yet she'll keep returning to make sure that I'm still standing and structurally sound.You want to know where I got my penchant for fantasy and science fiction? Look no further than Mom, who told me she is a big fan of Star Trek but does not consider herself a Trekkie. A lot of my exposure to movies and TV were informed by the films and shows she watched with me growing up. Whatever my feelings for the final Star Wars trilogy, I still was most excited to watch them in theaters with mom by my side.She constantly is trying to understand me, which is pretty impressive to me seeing as she's known me for almost 40 years now. I try to do the same for her in return. The love that exists between us really is incredibly strong, and I can't see us having developed such a complex and enriching relationship without it woven throughout every tie that binds us together.Her energy for life is still so strong, even if her body has been working more and more against her in the more recent years. I've known for quite some time that dealing with any form of decline with my mom would be difficult for me to handle, and as hard as I've been trying I know that I've proven my self-fulfilling prophecy correct. She says that my brother and I place her on pedestals, and I can't say that she's wrong. It definitely makes it more painful to watch her struggle in any way when you've raised her up so high. Trey, my brother, recently noted how she's always been a bastion of strength and resilience (I'm paraphrasing him a bit...) and although I don't disagree it just makes seeing her pain all the more unbearable, as does my inability to alleviate it.This woman is someone I both place in a pristine bubble and also someone who I bat around when I'm wounded or merely irritated. Somewhere between those extremes is a person who loves me beyond anyone else in this world, and I feel it even in moments when I want to be left alone. I feel that everyone needs that person, that reservoir of support and care, even if that's not their parent. I'm lucky enough that it is.Mom - or Mama Lyn, or just Lyn - is someone who has left their indelible mark on me in ways that will endure for the rest of my days. I try everyday to love like she does. I am often in awe of her deep and abiding faith, even if I don't share it. I do my best to remember that underneath her superhero costume as "Mom," she's also just a flawed person like me who is doing the best they can with each day.I'm beyond thankful that she's the reason I exist, and that I've gotten to spend my lifetime thus far learning at her feet. I can only hope that I grow up to be half the woman she is today.

November 8, 2023: Thank You, More PleaseHi. Hello. How are you?This will be a late night edition of Thankful for the Memories. (I'm shopping around a title for this month-long meditation, just go with it.)To get into this, I have to tell you about something I've been doing in the background for a bit now: I'm writing a book. Legitimately writing a book with the intention of publishing it and selling it. I am worried that I'm not up to the challenge but my excitement about the story I'm slowly building outweighs any concerns. Which leads me to...Being incredibly, unabashedly thankful for books.I have a long history of being a nerd: I think I tried to hide it sometimes but this level of dedication to the nerd-dom is hard to hide. A lot of my personality has been constructed with my love of video games, which is on display here a lot, but even before I held a controller in my hand (with much fewer buttons than the modern ones) I had a book placed there. I had pages turned for me until I could flip them myself, and I have been happily lost in them ever since.The words on a page have had this incredible ability to transport us for centuries now; taking us out of our reality and letting us explore realms both mundane, mysterious, and magical. For someone who has always - and I do mean always - had an active imagination, I would read these fairytales and high fantasies, live in their worlds for days and days, and then, once I grieved for the adventure's end I would remix the elements in my head and my mind would explode with similar tales where I could play the main character. It's really no wonder I gravitated to video games, movies and television, and eventually the stage, where I've always felt intrinsically at home.I remember experiencing such stories from Madeleine L'Engle, and C.S. Lewis, and Brian Jacques, and feeling so small among their kingdoms and their distant vistas, and yet also feeling so comfortable and seen. I was constantly pulling at the corners of the pages (figuratively, mind you, despite the vast amount of dog ears I inflicted over the years), desperate to see the rest of the worlds that surely must have existed behind what the writers deigned to show to us. That's such an amazing thing to do: inspire people to crave the minutiae of something you create.The books weren't always stories of fiction, either, and that trend has carried over to adulthood. The knowledge I could find in the stacks in libraries and bookstores was addictive, and as an avid learner I was being enabled by these institutions. Delving into history or studying cultures vastly different to my own (or even the ones which gave rise to mine) fascinates me, and that is thanks to the ability to travel to them within the pages of a book. I remember my mom ordering this mail service...thing...where each month a package would arrive, themed for me to solve some mystery utilizing books about different countries and some junior sleuth. One of my best childhood friends would come speeding down the street to join me in the adventures, sprawled out on the den floor while pouring over the book for clues and information. We kept those books for quite awhile because I would revisit them just to revel in the knowledge all over again.The written word has just had this oversized impact on my life, and in some ways I think I've always been fated to try my own hand at crafting books of my own. My mom recently found something I had forgotten all about: this blank-covered notebook from my childhood schooling days. I think some teacher got them for my class and encouraged us to write our own story in the pages, and draw our own cover art. It was such a cute little thing to see again, and a reminder that this love of storytelling - fiction or non-fiction - has been with me for forever.For the love that they have given me, in so many different ways, and for helping to shape me into the person I am today, I am so thankful for books.As a small additional word on the subject, please support your local libraries and bookstores. They are such important caretakers of knowledge that are being attacked so much in this current era of un-Enlightenment and oppression of thought. These places are vastly important and need us to remember that.

November 13, 2023: Thanks That Was FunHi. Hello. How are you?Man, my ability to focus on thankfulness has been taking hit after hit the past few days. Continued frustrations over the cluster fuck in Israel and Gaza; stress while waiting to hear back about a potential job offer; etc... I think the last days have proven how difficult it is to keep the positive at the forefront, and made doing this practice more important than ever.Today's thankful priority is my childhood pastime which I gladly never outgrew: video games.There is some kind of magic that happens when you pick up that controller and turn the console or the computer on. Much like the books that I first used as portals, losing myself in a video game for hours at a time let me explore worlds far different from the rural realm I grew up in (and still inhabit).I'll definitely reveal my age when I talk about the NES and Super NES I owned as a kid: constantly blowing on the underside of the cartridges out of a belief that doing so would make the game run optimally. The first Mario games, not to mention that damned grinning dog in Duck Hunt... I know I've spoken before about renting Sega Genesis consoles from the local video rental store, or my brother doing the same and letting me play Golden Axe with him and his friends.Now look how far we've come. Titles like Spider-Man 2 and Horizon Forbidden West and Baldur's Gate 3 taking our experiences to levels we never thought possible back in those very basic side-scroller days. More and more all players - across gender identity and expression, sexual preference, race, sex, culture - are seeing themselves represented in the games we play. Stories that once might've seemed niche or unprofitable are proving wild successes.I feel like I should have more words for how influential video games have been on my personality, on my make up as an adult. The stories I come up with are often influenced by the stories I play. A number of my friendships have started through or been strengthened by the games I engage with on a daily and weekly basis. They're an escape from the woes of the world but also an amazing kaleidoscope, showcasing the potential the world has to offer, both the worst and the best of it on display.Maybe it's surprising to note that during this trying period of my life, as I've been struggling, that this prized passion and hobby has slowly lost some of its magic. That's not a reflection of the games or the industry, I think, although at some point soon I'll have to ruminate on the state that developers face in the gaming field. My lack of drive to play like I used to is because of depression, pure and simple. When the outlook for life in general is grim, its difficult to find joy in the things that should be happy distractions and creative outlets. Joy turning to ashes in the mouth is what comes to mind: pursuing the things that make you happy become instead a chore.I remain thankful for video games and the pleasure I get from mashing the buttons in an attempt to make my attacks hit harder, or my jumps go farther. I still play them every day. I just can't wait for the clouds to part and let the full-throated joy return.

blog archives: october 2023

October 2, 2023: The Haunting of Homo HouseHi. Hello. How are you?No, no! Don't walk there... I just put those cobwebs up. Painstakingly, I might add. Now I'm gonna have to do it all over again.If the décor didn't clue you in, we have officially moved into Spooky Season.I will be the first to admit that I am not the biggest Halloween fan, which very specifically sorts me within the gay community. You're either a Halloween gay or a Christmas gay. Are there other holidays? Sure. Do they have the stereotypical homosexual leanings? Absolutely not. In the grand scheme of Rainbow Connection things, I am most definitely a Christmas gay.That doesn't mean I can't get into the joy of Spooky Season. I just don't throw myself into it beginning in August (I wrote about my antagonism towards the spook-ifying of my birth month previously).I love the iconography of the season: the witches and ghouls and the supernatural, paranormal activities really speak to my love of fantasy and the miraculous among the mundane. I especially love Dia de los Muertos (which is technically November) and the idea of communing with our loved ones now beyond the veil.The main thing I don't get down with is being scared. To be honest, I am the biggest baby when it comes to scary things, especially movies or television or video games. Jump scares make me see red. Scary movies will have me covering my eyes (and ears) or flat out leaving the room. And my limit for scary can be way below what others think would be terrifying in the least.I am a delicate flower. I make sure to remind people of that repeatedly. I don't apologize for being an adorable scaredy cat.Give me the magical and celebratory. You can keep the horrifying and terrifying.By the way, you owe me some new webbing from the craft store. I mean you ruined my last attempt at it, and it doesn't come cheap.

October 9, 2023: The Amityville DepressionHi. Hello. How are you?It's been a hot minute, hasn't it? I missed you terribly, but I needed to take a moment or two to just be without pressure or stress.Not that you stress me out!No, I'm just in a lower swing mentally where nothing seems to be good enough. I'm submitting a flurry of job applications (for remote positions) daily during the week to the point where I feel like that scene in the first Harry Potter book where the fire place explodes with acceptance letters. ...Only in this instance, I'm the army of owls delivering all those envelopes.I've also now referenced that awful lady's work and that makes me irritated.So yeah, that and the largely ghostly quiet responses have been weighing on me. To rant for just a quick bit, I have to say that there's a local company who keeps purporting to have a bevy of remote positions available. I have applied at least twice or three times, I've lost track at this point. And the reason I've lost track is that they are basically impossible to get to respond. I've been ghosted by them basically every time I've applied, even after emailing to get updates or asking what else I can do for the process.When someone says "people just aren't looking, there are tons of great jobs available here" I'm no longer inclined to see them as truthful. And yes, this is a moment of me vaguely being spiteful and I don't apologize for it.Not to mention the world has gone a little more off kilter this weekend when we all woke up Saturday morning to Hamas perpetuating an attack on Israel that most of us who stay as current as we can on global affairs thought impossible.As someone who was coming of age when the United States suffered the attacks of 9/11, I can't help look at the situation and see impending doom and potential war crimes on the horizon. And most people don't want to hear that or any sense of caution. There are justified intense feelings of anger and grief that are incredibly dangerous, and will lead to even more horrendous acts of violence if cooler heads don't prevail. Right now it doesn't look like they will when even those friendly nations - ourselves included - aren't quick to advise such thinking.I'd categorize this past weekend and the coming week as a dumpster fire. It will get put out eventually but it's going to be an utter mess in the interim period, both personally and geo-politically. Hopefully some rays of sunshine will come through and I can comment and ruminate on those sooner rather than later.

October 11, 2023: Get OutHi. Hello. How are you?Alright kids, it's story time in honor of the annual arrival of National Coming Out Day. Curl up with your favorite blanket, grab a drink and settle in.I've heard and witnessed stories of Rainbow Connection individuals coming out that are harrowing and incredibly sad. I can't say that my own experience was similar to that in any fashion, but there were moments in the process that sit with me still today like a specter just over my shoulder. And yes, "coming out" is not something that happens in an instant. It is a process, a journey, that takes as long as is needed.Somehow I always knew that I was different from the other boys from a young age, and around middle school (grades 6th through 8th) they started to notice it as well. I recall the P.E. locker rooms and the fresh hell that changing out for those classes were for me. Stripping down among the very people you might find yourself both attracted to and vastly alienated from was stressful to say the least. That stress was only heightened when the other boys would ridicule you for something that they couldn't confirm but assumed nonetheless.Outside of my circle of friends I was a quiet kid - I still am a quiet person around people I'm not very close with - and that only increased this sense that I was an other for the boys. I still recall a day when I legitimately feared that difference. I was changing out for P.E. class and was occupying one of the bathroom stalls in the locker room to do so. I tended to do so out of a sense of defense, of safety. That day I wasn't. One of the other boys in the room found a loose leg from another stall, one of those metal and plastic square poles. They prized it free and, as some ridicules were hurled over the walls of my stall, the metal pole was launched at my bare feet and ankles below the door.I honestly can't remember if I reported the incident to a coach or teacher, or if anything ever happened to my assailants. The only thing that sticks with me is that fear that I felt, the pain and the anxiety.A few years later, in my sophomore year of high school, I officially came out of the closet to my closest friends. For some reason I did so in economics class? I don't know why I chose that venue...more than likely I wasn't thinking much beyond the need to tell my friends who I really was. The majority of them, including one of my closest childhood friends, basically said "yeah, I know." That was both comforting and infuriating. Someone could've given me a heads up!In quick measure, my sexuality became widely known throughout the school and to my honest amazement there was no middle school ridicule carried over into these new years. Instead I was met, by and large, with a fair amount of acceptance. It felt like everyone just went: "well yeah, that's Will and he's gay. We knew, and that's cool. Whatever." That comes off as almost indifference which, I can say, is almost just as welcome as acceptance. To me, anyway. When it came to my friends and my peers, the rest of high school really went by as if my coming out were just a minor piece of my growing mosaic.I can't say that things were as easy with my parents.For the record, I know and you're probably aware from previous posts that my mom reads my blog. So this is a rough subject to go into but I feel like the entire story needs to be told if I'm going to promote this day properly.My parents, in my awareness, first learned of my preference from little notes and doodles I had done on paper concerning a boy I was enamored with. My mom had gone into my room and into some of my drawers - as I feel a good amount of our parents just did back then - and found them. That was a little betrayal that only exacerbated what was coming soon.Soon after that discovery, I found myself being brought to a psychologist/therapist (known to my parents through church) to discuss my feelings for a boy at school. The level of discomfort at this punishment, as I saw it, was truly unimaginable. My feelings were treated by the specialist as something abnormal, and it felt as if my parents were treating it the same. That part hurt. It hurt a lot. I dreaded days when I was driven to yet another session that seemed fruitless.Eventually those sessions stopped occurring and my parents seemed to kind of move on from the subject of my sexuality, but religion would again bring it back to the forefront.I managed to get a part time job at our church - the then First United Methodist Church - in the office. I was meant to help convert their files to digital records. (That gives you some sense of when all this was occurring.) I worked for one day. One. The next day I was dropped off for work and almost immediately called into the associate pastor's office with him and the youth pastor. I was informed that my mom had been called back and that I was being let go.The offense was "engaging with pornography on an office computer*. I was a teenager at this time, so sneaking time to view porn on the family computer was absolutely something that happened. I had been checking my email the previous day and one had been a spam message from one such site. Engaging with pornography on the job was a stretch that was mortifying to have levied against me, even more so in front of my mother.The answer? A firing and therapy for my "obvious" pornography addiction and homosexual leanings with a Christian therapist. I remember having to drive over an hour away for these sessions in a room that I now associate with one of the more insidious villains from the Harry Potter series: sanitized and frilly and sickeningly sweet. Once again, albeit in soft and gentle language, I was labeled an abomination with unsavory tendencies that needed to be reconditioned. These periods were even more hurtful and traumatizing.Today, all these years later, my mother and I have a wonderful relationship that includes my sexuality in a positive and normal light. My father...well, we just don't discuss things like that about me. I often think about going into therapy as a means to help bolster my mental health in general, but often I find myself shying away from it due to those teenage memories.Coming out was and still is a process even though I'm approaching 40. It's something that you have to be ready to do, and that timetable is up to no one but you and you alone. Knowing that there were and are people that would welcome me with open arms - both family and friends - made it easier for me, and some won't have that. There are, however, so many people out here that will be here whether we know you personally or not.Happy Coming Out Day, kiddo. It's a difficult and beautiful thing.

October 13, 2023: Primal RageHi. Hello. How are you?It feels somehow momentous whenever a Friday the 13th happens to fall in the month of October. Like, the mystical and arcane forces are gathering for good or for ill. ...That seems fitting when looking at the state of the world right now.I've gone back and forth about talking, at any length, on the events now occurring in the Middle East. It's a subject liken to a live wire, more likely to shock me than do any good. I am frustrated, however, and feel as if speaking it into the universe will help me find some understanding that I just lack right now.I woke up with a lot of you on Saturday morning, October 7th, and rolled over to pick up my phone and start scrolling through my various apps. Once I saw the various posts on social media, I flipped the TV on and started absorbing the news rolling on of the Hamas attack on Israel.It's almost a week later and the revelations that have been unearthed in the interim - the stories, the images, the evidence found - truly do seem medieval in their barbarity and viciousness. Hamas terrorists inflicted a trauma on the Israeli people that has rightly brought up memories of September 11th here in the States. It's been shocking and terrifying....Even as I sympathize with the Israeli people for what has been done to them and what is still being done to them with the hundreds of captives still in mortal danger, I am watching Israel in how it is reacting toward the Gaza Strip and Palestinians in general and I cannot help but feel my stomach turn even more.To criticize Israel and its reactions right now is horribly similar to how many must have felt, both domestically and internationally, to criticize America in the days, weeks, and months following the fall of the Twin Towers. Righteous anger means any dissention is tantamount to treason or, in this case, anti-Semitism and support for terrorism. It's a thankless and terrifying task to caution restraint when you've been the victim of atrocity.Israel is the Jewish state that many adherents of Judaism had wished to see for countless generations. The creation of that modern nation, however, was a harsh, ungentle procedure: foreign actors enacted the birth of a kingdom where other peoples already had a history, had livelihoods and family trees that were summarily uprooted. Those with ancestors from the region who might even be biblical in nature supplanted those whose keys still fit in the locks and whose crops were still growing in the fields. I have clear memories of learning the history in my education and feeling a deep uneasiness at how matter of fact this displacement was laid out.In the ensuing decades, resentment and oppression on one side and understandable trauma and paranoia on the other have led this vicious wheel round and round. Right now, after the terrible attacks of October 7th, Israel is hell bent on angry retribution cloaked in righteous defense, and they admit that they will have to go through the Palestinian people in order to ensure their own safety. The citizens of Gaza, over half of whom are children under the age of 15, are being "warned" and "advised" to evacuate with the full knowledge that there is nowhere for them to go. They are being starved, deprived of running water and electricity, and told that this is the ultimate doing of Hamas even as the Israeli forces have their hands on the levers which control their lives.I firmly believe that I can have my heart break for and advocate for both Israel as it continues to lick its vicious wounds as well as Palestine as it suffers moment by moment at the hands of both a great evil and a traumatized victim. I can look at one oppressed nation, grieve with them for what has been lost, and still hold up a mirror to them as they, in turn, oppress another.What I find I cannot do is stand up in a fully throated support of a people who would coldly sacrifice the lives of innocents in pursuit of vengeance and safety. For all intents and purposes that is what Israel seems determined to do. I cannot call it justified but I also cannot say it is not understandable. I have not had my family torn asunder, or my sense of safety ripped from underneath my feet. I felt something adjacent to it some 20 years ago but I doubt it comes close to what Israelis feel today.I don't have an answer to the fury and the sorrow. I'm someone who thinks conflict on such scales seem pointless in the grand scheme of things. I don't understand the vitriol of Hamas even if I acknowledge how it grew; I don't understand the heartless anger of Israel even if I clearly see what has hardened them, both recently and reaching back into antiquity.Maybe one day wars like we're seeing and have witnessed before will be a thing of legend or fable, looked on sadly as relics of a bygone age. Maybe one day there will be a safe homeland for both Israel and Palestine. For now I'll continue to speak up when I see something barbaric, no matter how righteous the actor may feel.

October 19, 2023: ScreamHi. Hello. How are you?I have this sense that I've been floating in the aether lately: absorbing the various activity that is bombarding the world (quite literally in certain places) along with the nefarious forces of depression that can pounce when you least expect them.I've missed you. I won't ask if you've missed me. I'm just assuming that you did and terribly so.I really appreciate that about you.Daily, I have this portion of time where it seems all I do is throw myself onto the goodwill of various businesses in the hope of finding myself gainfully employed. The instances where a rejection email, whether courteous and thoughtful or perfunctory, come through my inbox are miles more preferable than the insulting silence.I am a ghost in the machine, waving my arms high in the air. My hands hold up flashing neon signs of my skills, my experience, my earnest yearning for an opportunity. The response is a derisive chorus of crickets coming through the speakers.I have a battle most every morning inside of me: one side is more and more desperate and willing to lower my standard for a sliver of hope, while the other stands firm in the face of the overwhelming onslaught of desperation and seeks to strive forward undaunted.Some days I truly don't know which force will emerge the victor.Unrelated to that knot of stress - or possibly inextricably linked, if I pulled far enough back - is my simmering anger that global events have ignited.As I wrote about in my last post (whether adequately or not is yet to be seen), I am vehemently torn by the ongoing conflict which is overwhelming so many lives in Israel and Gaza, and the surrounding environs. I can't stand the stories of the abject barbarism that was visited upon Israelis, and the terror that now hangs over them. I am enraged by the blatant dehumanization of the Palestinian people: an act I have witnessed multiple times over my lifetime. I find myself sickened by the presiding notion that I am not allowed to criticize the abhorrent behavior of Israel, only allowed to stand by and let them take out their anger and pain upon a people they have routinely abused for more than a generation now.I understand their pain and their anger. I have the unimaginable good luck to not be directly affected by those emotions, giving me the freedom to see clearly where they, however understandably, are not.Even more aggravating is that I don't have an answer. I'm an idealist who wants everyone to lay down their weapons and talk, and cry, and yell at each other until the hurt goes away and they may be granted a way to constructive discourse and action. That is so Pollyanna that I rolled my eyes as I typed it, but I still find myself wishing it could happen. It won't, and so much more pain will be born instead.Whew... That's a lot of dark and stormy clouds to hang over me and you....I'll leave you tonight not on those notes, but instead on something that made me smile today.A friend and individual who I admire greatly has created an upcoming event, for the second time, and it is going down this coming weekend. A music festival, with all the planning and organization and preparation and anxiety that comes with it, will be here even bigger and better than the inaugural fete from last year. I'm broke enough - and deep enough in my hermit era - to not experience it in person, but I see moments like that where really great things comes from perseverance and big dreams and it makes my heart smile. It smiles big and it smiles broadly.Maybe it even grows three sizes. We are almost at that particular time of year...

October 23, 2023: CocoonHi. Hello. How are you?I had to find some way to decompress while following the current global events, some way to find some comfort in these trying times.There are far too many people right now who can't take that time at the moment, whether they're constantly worrying about kidnapped loved ones or the ever present fear of bombs leveling their homes and their lives. I'm more than able to see my privilege here.Still, in my time of need the Girls came to my rescue.The Golden Girls.I've watched these episodes countless times but like a number of other television shows from that era (Designing Women, Murder, She Wrote, etc.) they just make me feel alright no matter what's going on or what's happening around me.When I was younger, I absolutely saw myself as a Blanche. I have the Southern thing going for me, plus I loved that sexual kitten mystique. I could pull it off really well then. ...And now too, don't get me wrong. I'm a delicate, hot house flower.I think I have to give up that ghost at my current age, though. I see myself as having transitioned into my Rose era, mainly due to my goldfish mind that has been developing slowly but surely since my 30s hit. You can be talking to me directly, face to face, and there's a 50/50 chance I'll not catch a word you said. I'm never meaning to slip out of mind, like Dory, but it just happens.I noted this to my mom the other day, and she looked at me incredulously. Turns out my dear, devoted mother thinks I'm far more a Dorothy than a Rose. And as much as I want to be offended by that she's not exactly wrong. Lord only knows she's become the Sophia to my Dorothy lately.I think many of us - and by "us" I do mean white gays - look at these cult shows from the late 80s and early 90s and marvel at how progressive they were for their time. With how many times I've seen these episodes, I can definitely say that they might have been progressive for that era but good God do they not age well in terms of true progressive values.We love Blanche but her relationship with her gay brother, Clayton, makes me absolutely cringe. She's one of my favorite characters but damn.Still I'd much rather be watching these phenomenal women in my downtime.

blog archives: september 2023

September 1, 2023: Eternal Sunshine of a Gaymer's MindHi. Hello. How are you?[ You find me in an Oprah-style armchair set up, patting the other seat and looking at you meaningfully. ]Just come over here and have a seat. We're just gonna have ourselves a nice little chat.When we were younger, did you think we were at the peak of what video games could look like? To clarify, "we" refers to me and my fellow elder millennials. The rest of the children who came after us can take a seat for this conversation.I have this awesome memory of the year the Nintendo64 came out. I have an uncle who lives in Key West, Florida, and that year me and my parents came down and had Christmas in the tropics.Christmas morning looked a lot different in spring/summer weather and in a very unique house - I miss that house, I would've lived in it in a heartbeat - but I woke up and came into the living room to find a brand new Nintendo64 waiting for me. A fresh delivery from Santa even though I wasn't at my actual home.My folks hooked it up and I played Mario64 and I thought: it cannot get better than this.Flash forward decades ahead into a new millennium and now...I think if I booted up Mario64 it would be unable to catch and hold my attention. The advances in graphics and user interfacing and even narrative storytelling have sent video games leaps and bounds beyond where we were on that tropical Christmas morning.I know lots of people who love to play "classic" games, and I have my own classics in the nostalgic places of my mind. Somehow I'm wired differently, though: I go back and try to play some of them that I once wore out or even those I never got the chance to experience in the moment, and I just can't get into them any more. It's weird but I feel like all the different ways we've grown in the gaming community has ruined me for the excellent titles that I grew up playing.Prime example would be Zelda: Ocarina of Time. That game is so incredibly amazing and I have such tremendous memories of playing it. Recently, I was able to access all those classic Nintendo titles on the Switch and I booted up Ocarina and...the memories came flooding back but something disconnected. Some wires were crossed. The controls felt unwieldy. It was awkward and just didn't feel fun.I hated that.For me, some of those memories I can revisit and have the same moments again and again. Others which are older and filtered by childhood may just need to stay as memories.

September 6, 2023: SnowpiercerHi. Hello. How are you?Did you miss me? I missed you! We here at Homo, He Wrote took our day of rest with others for Labor Day as our forefathers envisioned....Also it's just me when I say "we here at Homo, He Wrote". I just like talking about myself in the plural.So I'm going to drop a word here today that I really have grown to detest: snowflake. The way that word has been weaponized just makes it drip with an unnamed ick that makes me feel gross when it's used around me or by me. Today, though, I will utilize it because grown men are throwing temper tantrums on the internet over insanely stupid things.If you're deep in the gamer/gaymer community and haven't been residing underneath rocks you've heard of Starfield, from Bethesda Studios. You know, the people who brought you Skyrim...and keep bringing you Skyrim again and again and again. It's a brand new universe from them and so far has been getting mainly great reviews with a few mixed receptions thrown in.Once again, however, cishet men on the internet can't handle the smallest modicum of inclusion in their spheres of influence. Within the game Starfield you create your own character and you have the option to set your own pronouns. Somehow that was enough to send grown men into hissy fits. I wish I was exaggerating but you can likely find the videos where they're screaming into their webcams about a video game giving them the option of choosing their created, fictional character's pronouns.This is the latest in straight men antics in gaming. These are the same "alphas" that decry politics in their video games while their most played titles are Call of Duty and other games with similar themes. I truly don't believe they're intelligent enough to see the vibrant themes of anti-capitalism and anti-bigotry that run counter to everything that they claim to believe in.They don't seem to realize that in title after title they are no longer the target audience for game developers. The people creating the biggest names in 2023 and beyond don't relate to the stereotypical gamer boy that clings to the idea that they are the alphas and the omegas of this industry.What makes it sad to me is that we as a nerd culture still consider it a massive moment when we see these kind of men throw these tantrums. We give them the attention that they crave, only now it's their outrage that fascinates us instead of respecting them as they were once accustomed to receiving. It's maddening to watch them revel in the spotlight for doing something we wouldn't reward in children.They'll slowly drop by the wayside. It's the promise of new generations, letting outdated modes of thinking wither and die while the rest of society advances. It's the same thinking in this instance, at least to me.The gamer bros maintain that they're still relevant but they're essentially circus acts at this point. Something we sit and laugh at for how ridiculous they make themselves appear.

September 8, 2023: How to Save a LifeHi. Hello. How are you?[ peers longingly out of the window ]So many moons have passed.The days blur together.When will my husband return from the war?...Look I have a flair for the dramatic. If you've been reading my blog for any amount of time you're quite aware of that by now.I'm fine, so don't worry. I'm just finally approaching the end of my national nightmare: my latest Grey's Anatomy binge. I started with season one, episode one and I am now on season 19, episode 14. This has taken over my entire existence and y'all...as much as I have an endearing love for this show, I am ready to have my life back.Nineteen seasons. Going on twenty. It's so ridiculous to think that this show I used to watch every Thursday night when I was starting college is somehow still pumping out new episodes.Ouch. I just gave myself some self-inflicted age wounds...Starting this from the beginning is truly a mammoth undertaking and I didn't think that it'd send me into some sort of hermit-like vigil where all I do is eat, sleep, and breathe the show. My drive to play video games has really dropped away. How can I boot up one of my consoles when the first thing I do is start Netflix and let the latest episode begin playing?I really did grow up on this show, at least in terms of becoming a functioning adult. As the seasons have rolled by I've had to watch characters drop off, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly. Even Meredith (Ellen Pompeo) has left the show as of this current season I'm watching. The Grey in Grey's Anatomy has left the show. How does a vehicle continue if the main character...is no longer there?Another thing I noticed is how much this show has always been a soap opera, but really began leaning into it the longer it remained on air. The show has had some truly amazing, ingenious episodes where the direction and camera work were beautifully executed. Then others were pure melodrama, orchestrated like the best of daytime television.I'm...not sure how I feel about that revelation. The moments where I feel like the show is performing it's top tier magic are the ones where the topic is current and immediate, the action is perfectly balanced with the tension palpable and given satisfying payoff. At some point, once the show evolved into it's teen seasons, those moments became fewer and farther between. The desire to have complicated intrapersonal relationships (love triangles, squares, and trapezoids, for example) just made everything messy and, to be honest, not intriguing or entertaining. The added complexity of narrative elements which were inextricably tied to spin-off series made confusion on the viewer's end even deeper. Incredibly important story segments were told in other shows but continued in the flagship series, which meant that if you didn't watch those other shows you had to do research to get yourself caught back up.At this point, no one denies that Shonda Rhimes knows what she's doing. Her success is undeniable. Grey's Anatomy may very well be her ultimate masterpiece but it doesn't mean that it's flawless. It's a piece of pop culture that has spanned two decades and may still span more, and having to adjust and recalibrate brings moments that work and decisions that flop.With the departure of the title character, this latest season looks to be trying to shed off the old skin for new growth underneath. I don't watch the show regularly anymore but when I do my next binge to catch up I'm hopeful that there are still plenty of stories left for the doctors of Grey Sloan Memorial to tell, whether I recognize almost any of the cast anymore.

September 11, 2023: I Remember Everything, AmericaHi. Hello. How are you?I hate this day. Not in a really vehement way, but more in a constant noise annoyance that reappears every year.I'm often surprised to realize that it's been over 20 years since the events of September 11, 2001, but then again we're never allowed the opportunity to forget it. That shouldn't be a shock considering we still have calendars that mark the day of the Pearl Harbor attack during World War II. "Never Forget" and "Remember 9/11" are emblazoned everywhere like some sort of sick propaganda message.For the sake of this space, at least, I can recount my memory of that day. The tail end of Summer 2001 had already dealt me and my family an unimaginable tragedy, so I was going into my senior year a little shell shocked. Then, somewhere around 2nd period on that morning the TVs started coming on across the classrooms in time to see the second impact and resulting carnage and chaos. Suddenly everything was frightening and unknown.I feel like making sure the people who lost their lives that day aren't forgotten is a wonderful thing to pursue, but for me I don't believe that's what we really "remember" when we're asked to meditate on those events.It feels more as if we're asked to remember that terror and paranoia that diluted absolutely everything in the aftermath. We're asked to remember that Big Brother is the only thing that can protect us from the scary others which threaten us from the shadows. I hate using that term - "Big Brother" - even if it makes sense in this moment.We think we became our best selves in response to those horrific acts over two decades ago because of the overwhelming sense of unity and nationalism that erupted. Those were truly dark days, though, and I remember the incredible xenophobia which ran rampant and still persists to this day. I was frightened that any human beings could perpetuate such a crime, but I became more afraid of my fellow citizens as the days, weeks, and months went on.So when it comes to this anniversary I see all the remembrances and patriotic platitudes and, to be completely honest, my stomach turns. The romanticizing of such a terrifying act and the depths of humanity which inspired it and sprung from it aren't something that I want to recall every year. I don't want to have to plaster my "where was I..." memorial alongside everyone else's.We didn't become our best selves then. We let our darkest parts take center stage and called it "defense" and "patriotism" and "the war on terror". I don't like remembering how terrible we can be as the human race. I already have much more recent reminders of that. Much more current once in a lifetime events still ongoing and horrible.I hate this day.

September 13, 2023: No One Likes a Soggy BottomHi. Hello. How are you?As someone who really loves comfy and cozy vibes, this delayed summer thing - which goes on longer and longer here in the South every year - puts a huge cramp in my style. Still, I persevere as much as I can.One of my main ways to beat that heat is The Great British Baking Show.I swear, there is something so calming and restorative about watching a group of Brits and Europeans toiling away weekend after weekend in a sometimes boiling white tent, attempting to create baking perfection as home cooks.During the height of the COVID-19 pandemic I didn't take to baking as a coping mechanism, but that's possibly because I'm so accustomed already to watching - and couch critiquing - baking for multiple sets of ten episodes each. That pavilion and its manic activity just makes me feel utterly at ease.I've often thought about how unique the Bake Off is in relation to so much American reality tv competition fare. Here in the states this type of program features cut throat clashes between the contestants: it's everyone out for themselves, even during paired or grouped challenges. It's not like that underneath the white tent. All of the bakers want the title at the end but the comradery is potent and obvious. If a fellow competitor is struggling as time is winding down and someone else has finished their bake already, you'll see hands start to come to the flagging baker's aid. For the most part, they all want to see each other do the best they can.I'm not naïve enough to think that they're all so altruistic within the safety of their own thoughts, but the outward image of fellowship really does make you feel warm and snuggly.I also find myself generally rooting for each of them to do well. ...I say "generally" because, in my former job, one of the favorite lunch time activities of my boss and I was to watch an episode or two and judge the one or two contestants who just grinded our gears for one reason or another. Like yeah, do well and all that, but also you're utterly annoying and I wish you'd get totally bent.I never said I was a saint.The final element that makes it my ultimate comfort watch is the food. I am a hungry boy, I don't hide that, and a show where you're meant to make totally beautiful and delicious bakes is...really satisfying. I'd honestly say I'm more a savory person than a sweet tooth individual, but whether salty or sweet I always find myself wondering what happens to all the culinary creations after the rounds are finished. Do the cast and crew get to enjoy them? Are they tossed in bins, like animals?Maybe I should look into the show and see if they have positions available for food disposal professionals (i.e., eating all the bakes).Altogether, I just feel a sense of calm and cozy vibes when wrapped in a blanket, yelling at the screen because my favorite underdog baker is attempting choux pastry in that small amount of time. I love to bake but I don't bake at those levels, yet I am now an expert in these delicacies nonetheless.

September 15, 2023: A Hard Day's NightHi. Hello. How are you?You know what I miss? Excitement.Right now my life feels like one prolonged state of ennui, where I'm staring longingly out of the windows at the world beyond. In my imagination, I'm also in the attic in my moth-eaten wedding dress, but that really is neither here nor there. Just some color for you.I definitely feel stuck. I feel stagnant. Writing here and connecting with you gives me an outlet and a drive, but I really do have the sense that everyone and everything else is moving ahead full steam around me while I'm sitting on the floor with various bits and bobs, trying to put together some semblance of momentum.Writing that just now, I saw myself with those old tinker toys from like the '70s or '80s. I probably did play with them as hand-me-downs from my brother.The obstacle standing in my way of forward motion has to be the never ending - and immensely, frustratingly barren - job search, with resulting dire financial straits. It's difficult to feel as if you're getting anywhere when you don't have the income to make things happen.I am exacting in what I'm willing to accept for myself, which limits my options. It was me who pulled my life down for the sake of treating myself better, and I'll be damned if I let myself go back on that promise.The world is going on while I languish, though, which makes it harder and harder to stay positive. You want to keep motivated but watching all your avenues of invention slowly become outdated hurts the chances of progress. It's really not a nice feeling.I hate that I don't have a more upbeat thought for a Friday evening, but don't worry about me. I'll keep up with you if you keep up with me!

September 18, 2023: The GrudgeHi. Hello. How are you?I don't know who I am anymore. Kim Petras dropped a surprise album and I'm over here legitimately liking each of the tracks. Her music is always catchy but I'd never call myself a fan but Problematique is crawling into my veins in a very fun way.Anyway, I'm not paying you to listen to my hot music takes. I'm paying you for therapy, so let's get to it.So, something during the weekend triggered a very intense emotion. I almost hopped in here and wrote a post about it but I let myself ruminate on it for awhile. Come to find out I still feel pretty strongly about it.Chick-fil-A.We're all familiar with the fast food chicken franchise laced with homophobia and deep-seated religious trauma, right?My little town added a full store in the past year, and they do this thing on their socials where they nominate some kind of spotlight on patrons. "Spilljoy", a play on "killjoy" I think.I don't follow the account, but it popped on my Facebook feed with a spotlight on someone from my past that I prefer to leave there. And, dear reader, my blood boiled a bit.This individual went through school with me, K-12th grade. I considered them a friend, even if we didn't hang out much outside of school. We were in the same classes, hung in the same social circles. We had fun together.College came and we obviously didn't stay close, but that was during the advent of social media as we know it today. Even if we didn't see each other anymore we were still able to keep up with each other through our posts and what not. That, it turns out, was a mistake.Now, I was out of the closet by the time I was a sophomore in high school, so my sexuality wasn't an issue when I went to undergrad. Finding love in a small, rural college town surrounded by primarily straight friends was another story. A lot of times, my posts back during those tender years was about the hardships of love unreturned and other similar sob stories.Well, this person - this former friend - decided to interject themselves into my heartbreak with a sincere suggestion. Sincere if entirely religiously-based... They sent me a message asking if I had ever thought that my trials and tribulations were due to my going against God's commandments by being choosing an abominable lifestyle. (I'm paraphrasing, I'm sure, but that was the gist.)I was honestly stunned. I hadn't truly been asking for advice at any point, just venting in a dramatic fashion as we all did and do at that age. For them to come to me and essentially boil my problems down to a matter or faith and dogma, not to mention hatred, was appalling and scarring.My memory of what I responded with is incredibly murky but I'm sure it was cordial yet vicious. I shut the door on them and, if you've been paying attention to any of my previous writings on me and grudges, you know that door was locked and the key thrown away.I've had to deal with them in the years since because paths will undoubtedly cross, but I have no plans for forgiveness anytime soon. Seeing them uplifted as some paragon of joy and goodness - by Chick-fil-A of all companies - just turned my stomach. I am one who looks to give grace when and where I can, and I am fully aware that people can change and evolve. They may very well feel very differently about me and homosexuality now.I will never know. And they will never receive grace or the benefit of the doubt from me. Being told happiness was out of my reach because I was an affront to the Almighty is a breach from which there is no recovery. They will more than likely have a wonderful life and I won't ever wish anything ill for them.They can just keep their homophobic chicken "joy" away from me........And now I'm even angrier because all I can think about is some sweet tea and some nuggets from that chain. Dammit all.

September 20, 2023: These Lovely BonesHi. Hello. How are you?[ slowly sips from a delicate coffee cup, draped in a shawl and surrounded by tissues and Werther's Originals wrappers ]Oh dearie, I'm so glad you decided to stop by. Why don't you sit a spell?For the record, this is tea and not coffee. I prefer my coffee iced and blended. And made by someone who gets paid to do so. I don't get paid for making my own iced coffee drinks. That's just silly.I'm feeling exceptionally old today. I'm obviously not aged and decrepit. Quite the opposite: look at the material, I'm young, vibrant, and gorgeous. That doesn't mean I'm not immune to feeling my age from time to time, though. As of yesterday, someone on Al Gore's internet made my joints ache and my head hurt.I happened on a post on Twitter (I refuse to play along with Elon's ego trips) and the topic made my brain go "brr". They were discussing this phenomenon where a huge majority of Gen Z seems ignorant of pop culture references that originate from anywhere beyond 5-10 years ago. Notable celebrities, media, and events are completely foreign to them, or if they've heard of them they possess absolutely no knowledge of them.I know I myself have been shell shocked by this a time or two. One notable instance was someone's observation of a Gen Z individual having no real basis of awareness of the Muppets. The freakin' Muppets!So this tweet spent a moment giving an explanation of why this phenomenon is occurring, which has all to do with the downfall of what millennials and the generations before would consider traditional cable television.Unless you've been living in a subterranean system of catacombs and tunnels, you've witnessed the advent and rise of streaming services which absolutely break the mold of cable TV. Live television is something that remains accessible through a plethora of avenues, but one of the ways we once absorbed pop culture - reruns - is really no longer something that exists, especially for younger people.We were able to have multiple, aged references and cultural moments from the zeitgeist engrained into our skin by repeated reruns and showings. We couldn't really escape them, as we had to choose between what the various networks provided us. Now, with streaming, people have much more control over what they can opt to consume, meaning you're not exposed to shows or movies unless you actively go searching for them.Gen Z hasn't been bombarded by pop culture in the same way that we were, and thus they experience it very differently. Current exposure is paramount, and discovering content from previous decades requires conscious action to occur. They legitimately don't know about certain people or media because it's just not directly in front of them like they were for us.This revelation kind of broke me. It's both incredibly intriguing to consider how our world is changing, but also sad at the same time.The generation after me doesn't get my Murder, She Wrote references, or Golden Girls or Designing Women references. And it's not really their fault.I'll take it upon myself to educate them. It's my responsibility as an Elder Millennial to pass on the ancient wisdom.

September 22, 2023: Let the Music PlayHi. Hello. How are you?...What's wrong? Oh, the strobe lights behind me? Don't worry about those, I just have the latest Kylie Minogue album playing in the background and that just kind of happens whenever I listen to her music.Do you have a specific artist or musical genre that just speaks to your soul?I accepted quite a while ago that I am a pop girlie, through and through. There is something about a pure pop track, with all its myriad influences, that gives me the purest pleasure. I mean, hell, the first album I ever owned on CD was an Ace of Base release. Ace of Base! ABBA redux! The pop supremacy is strong within me.I've always had a hugely active imagination, and some of my earliest memories involve me and either a cassette player or CD walkman. I'd put those earphones on, pop in my then current pop obsession, and start producing music video fantasias in my mind. This would often include reinacting the action in my room or in my backyard, which probably drew some interesting looks and discussions between my parents.My musical tastes are actually quite eclectic, and my collections back in the height of the CD reign were wide-ranging. I gravitate towards music that makes me feel something, and that doesn't necessarily have to mean happiness. Songs that evoke a sort of catharsis, where you sit in reflection and feel as if the artist is singing words you've experienced but never said out loud, are just as amazing as those that make you want to find the nearest dancefloor.Something which makes stories pop into my head will always draw me in, and even the most generic and blissful pop bangers can do that for me. So those bright lights behind me? They signify the beginnings of the newest tales coming home to roost.

September 25, 2023: Home AloneHi. Hello. How are you?I truly don't know what it is about a few days in your own space that can feel so refreshing and revitalizing.Monday didn't hold any blues for me today (this time around, anyway). That's an amazing feat in and of itself, even for someone like me who is without an income-earning job currently. The weather was gorgeous. I tackled some chores without complaint. This isn't normal Monday vibes. It was more in line with a Thursday, or even a Friday.My gut tells me that I woke up on the right side of the bed because I had a few days this weekend where I was alone in my home. The parents took a well-deserved and needed trip to visit my brother and his family while I stayed behind by myself.I often feel like I have to defend myself in this situation, so I'll do it here and hopefully not be drawn to do so again: I adore my brother and the family he's made. My sister-in-law is super sweet and funny, and I've got an amazing nephew and niece who are growing up entirely too fast for my liking. I love getting to spend time with them, whether I'm visiting them or vice versa.However...I do live with my parents (and am thankful they let me do so). Much like a roommate scenario, there is a feeling of relief and freedom when your housemates leave you alone in the abode for an extended amount of time. That applies whether or not your roommates are tied to you by blood.Whenever they decide to drive toward the coast and spend some quality time with their other child and the grandkids, I get an invitation to come along for the ride. I fully admit that nine times out of ten I decline the invite in favor of relishing the quiet. I love my family tons and tons. I happen to love my space and my alone time equally as much.I'm an extroverted introvert - I would consider myself vibrant and bouncy when around people I'm super comfortable with - but I can also be "the introvert's introvert" more often than not. My social battery depletes even faster than my cell phone, or my Switch joy cons. There are days when I get out of the bed and have no desire to interact with another human being, at least face-to-face, or over the phone or headset.All that leads to a great deal of joy and excitement at the prospect of having the house to myself. I don't have to have plans or anything. There's simply a freedom of being able to move within a space without the social constraints of having to interact with someone.Trying to explain that kind of mindset to almost anyone else can garner you very odd looks. You can even hurt feelings by saying so.The girlies who get it, though, get it.I'm looking forward to finally finding gainful employment and eventually being able to afford my own place. Aside from removing myself more and more as a burden on my parents, the call from that freedom and solitude is loud and it is clear. Getting to spend even just roughly two days as the sole inhabitant of the house made me feel renewed. That could be an everyday occurrence, where I decide how to best utilize my alone time and when and where to involve others for that much needed connection. (Just because I "don't like people" doesn't mean I want to be some kind of ascetic hermit learning how to communicate with the birds outside my windows.)

September 27, 2023: My Life as a HouseHi. Hello. How are you?When you heavily invest yourself in the design and upkeep of a magical, digital kingdom it can feel like a full time job.Have I lost you already? Confused you right at the start?One of my obsessions, in an on-and-off manner, from the past year or so has been Disney's Dreamlight Valley, which is like The Mouse meeting and absorbing Animal Crossing and other such cozy gaming titles.You run this imaginary island, the Valley, and it's inhabited by loads of familiar Disney faces. You have your classic friends like Mickey, Minnie, Goofy and Donald. More big screen names join as well: Simba and Scar from The Lion King, spunky Mirabel from Encanto, and even the star-crossed duo of Belle and the Beast from, well, Beauty and the Beast.The background story is you, as the protagonist, reclaiming this childhood idyll from the grasp of the Forgetting, some malign force causing former friends and fun to slowly disappear and be overgrown with cursed Night Thorns.So essentially I'm running around, saving the day and welcoming my old friends back home. That involves a lot of design work and even more daily chores. I mentioned recently that one doesn't quite realize how much digging for pebbles is involved in the making of roads... Daily, even hourly, your various biomes with names like Peaceful Meadow, Forest of Valor, and Sunlit Plateau produce plentiful amounts of crafting items you need to collect to make sure the Valley economy keeps spinning round and round.All of that context is the backdrop to one of my favorite gaming activities: decoration and design.I really am perfectly happy when a video game gives me the option to control the overall design of my world, especially at a whim. I craft specific pieces needed to make a vision come together; I maneuver objects and place them as precisely as I can in order to give my ideas life.It makes me wonder if I somehow missed my true vocation in life. Did I need to devote myself to interior design and/or architecture? A very special person in my life happened to get their degree in interior design, and the thought of seeking a similar education is incredibly tempting. I feel like the assembling of, and the harmony in, design speaks to me and comes easily as well. It's probably why I gravitate toward such activities in games.I don't want to understate how much I love being the decorator and designer. I've got my fingers in at least two other titles at the moment aside from Dreamlight Valley, but even when I'm not playing anything I am thinking of how I can pop back in and redesign my neighborhoods or the rooms in my house....Yes, I am discussing a virtual house as if it's my personal home. I regret nothing and I extend an invite for you at any time!

blog archives: august 2023

August 2, 2023: Don't Help Me, I'll CryHi. Hello. How are you?A quick reminder, as we take our seats for today's meeting: it is now my birth month. I know you all received the emails and text reminders about this, but, uhh, I wanted to ensure we were all aware of that. As per previous years, gifts are more than welcome, as are tasteful and/or lewd nudes. With that out of the way, let's get started.[In all seriousness, if you want to do anything for my birthday you can find ways to donate to me and Homo, He Wrote here on the site. Straight donations, commissions for work, even a wish list through my Throne account. You don't have to do any of that, but if you feel so moved you can make use of those links on the "Support" page.]Do you consider yourself as having a thick skin? Are you able to withstand criticism, both constructive or otherwise?I tend to think of myself as someone who can weather slings and arrows, or the poking of holes in my work, my beliefs. That may or may not actually be the case, though.It's such a rude question when it appears on job applications: "do you respond well to criticism?" The honest, very honest answer, is NO! I don't like someone telling me that I'm doing something wrong, or that something I've done could be done better, or that my initial choice was flawed, or that what I believe may have glaring issues. Who among us responds well to that?!Constructive criticism is something that can help us to be better and to make things better. I realize that. Even critical comments with the best of intentions hit like a knife when you're not availed of a well-equipped defense, or a stable foundation of confidence.I don't think I have either.Let's not get it twisted: I rarely let the mask drop enough to let others know that, so this is an instance of letting y'all behind the curtain to see me frantically pulling the levers and hoping I'm doing the right thing. There's only a flimsy layer of fabric between the judgment of the outside world and my tender feelings. And I hate that about myself.I'm thinking about this subject because of a recent instance where I submitted a creation to a group thread. The people in this group chat are, for the most part, people I consider friends or at least good acquaintances whose opinions I value, but I forget that it also includes people who...I just don't know at all. It was one such individual who, after I volunteered general takes, came back with some less than glowing reviews. The criticism was valid: I legitimately saw their point of view, and when I adjusted for their suggestion I thought my work was better for it. However...I bristled to an irrational level the moment they responded critically.I think my immediate reaction was: "bitch, I don't even know you!"I didn't type that out to them, but it was definitely my general response. Whether their advice was useful or not didn't matter. They had critiqued my work, my vulnerable offering, and that was an unforgivable offense.Someone close to me, through affection or respect or a combination of the two, criticizing me can be even worse than this and I think it's within that acknowledgement that I find why I have such thin skin: at my core, I am a people pleaser. The idea of letting someone down, of displeasing someone, who is a loved one or a respected authority figure makes me want to curl into a ball smaller and smaller until I implode and leave this existence. That fear and anxiety over failing others and risking disapproval has definitely directed my life a lot; I imagine it's a huge reason I was such a "goody two-shoes" when I was a kid.I'd like to think that as I've aged I've acquired a modicum of freedom from that kind of mindset. I'm nearing...well, I'm nearing 40 years old (which is hard to wrap my head around, let alone type it out) and I want to believe that I can chart my own course without being terrorized by the potential of censure, or the specter of it at least.The fact remains that I might have made incremental steps in that direction but I still live in fear of failure, of disapproval. My skin - as lovely as it is - is paper thin to critical remarks, no matter how well intentioned.Are any of you in this same boat with me? If you're not, what is it like to be Achilles-like impervious to criticism and the threat of failure?It might not seem like it relates to all this, but I think about getting a tattoo or tattoos all the time. I'm not a fan of needles of any sort but I have to say there's an appeal to it for me... Like placing runes of protection on my flesh as a way to stave off the pain of reproof, or instilling a courage that does not come naturally to me. Maybe, when I can afford them again, you'll begin to see me with more artwork on my body than on my screens or walls.

August 4, 2023: Fix You UpHi. Hello. How are you?Why am I like this? I mean, don't really answer that, but really: why am I like this?I think it's because of one small TikTok that came across my feed but I have officially started my umpteenth marathon of Grey's Anatomy from the very beginning. I am willingly putting myself through the trauma yet again.Does Gen Z understand the chokehold that Grey Sloane Memorial Hospital has had on me and my millennial fellows? It is a deeply flawed show but it nonetheless enraptured an entire generation on Thursday nights. Somehow it is still going strong and closing in on 20 - freakin' 20 - seasons with no current end in sight.At this point I'm watching characters that no longer exist within the show, even if their specters still haunt the hallways of the hospital. Most of them are still alive just no longer on the show, although a fair share of the notable doctors and surgical interns met memorable deaths. That's a weird feeling to know that the show has existed so long it's almost fully rotated out the cast of characters which started out at the beginning.I think I'm returning to it now because I'm getting back on my meds and my body is going to hate me for a few days. Make sure and take your medications, kids, because it's no fun getting back on the horse. Grey's has been one of my comfort shows for quite awhile, much like The West Wing, or 30 Rock, or Parks and Recreation. I'll be needing some comfort as my body gets that equilibrium back....No worries, by the way. I'm not going through it or anything at the moment. For me routine is a big thing for certain elements of my life, and that holds very true for taking my meds every day. If I slip and forget one day, despite my reminders and alarms, it can throw me off. Most of the time it's a day or two blip but this time lasted...longer.So yeah, I'm climbing back on the Shondaland rollercoaster while I get back to...well, normal. I'm already not looking forward to the LVAD episodes...

August 7, 2023: Deconstructing IzzyHi. Hello. How are you?Alright: I've been contemplating a sticky issue I'm sure we've all faced at one time or another. Well, I'm assuming that part, so let me lay it out fully first. Do you have a favorite movie, or television show, or even a video game, that instilled tremendous fond memories within you but now, after time has passed, you start to see problematic flaws?I told you last time that I was diving head first back into another marathon binge of Grey's Anatomy, and I'm already well into the third season. I'm noticing, at least with these early seasons, that some of the things I once was so enamored with are leaving bad tastes in my mouth. I don't like bad tastes in my mouth. Fellas, take note of that.I make no apologies for that last bit.To be specific, I'm talking about Izzy and her whole major arc with falling in love with a heart transplant patient toward the end episodes of the second season. When that first aired - and yes, I was watching live cable TV when this originally aired, leave me alone - I remember seeing Izzy as such a tragic figure in a beautiful, aspirational sense. She couldn't bear the thought of losing this man that she loved and risked his death, as well as severe consequences to her own life and livelihood, in order to try and get him a new transplant heart. All of that somehow seems to work out in their favor, only for him to suffer a stroke or blood clot and die suddenly anyway. The whole first episode of the third season is Izzy lying on the bathroom floor of her house, unable to move due to being paralyzed by grief.It was incredibly moving and impactful at the time! Plus with Grey's Anatomy you know that the Shondaland team is going to perfectly pair these heartwrenching moments with some piece of modern music which heightens all of the emotions pouring out of the scenes. That's become one of the hallmarks of Shonda's creations, that blend of moment with music.So yeah, at the time and for many years afterward that whole episode arc has stuck with me as a romantic benchmark. Unfortunately time reveals all things, both gems and stones, and watching it back this time I wasn't getting that bitterly sweet euphoric rush during those moments. Instead I was struck at Izzy's selfishness more than anything else. She put her man's actual life at risk because she didn't want to be negatively affected by his death. It wasn't truly about saving him, that was just a correlating result. It was all about her. I am not one to be averse to selfishness; I actually think it's healthy to be selfish with certain things and in certain circumstances. This instance, however, showed her willing to put someone else's life in mortal peril in order to preserve her own happiness. That's...that's honestly pretty insidious.There are other moments throughout the show so far which I'm finding harder and harder to stomach. The whole Meredith and Derrick relationship is...is incredibly lopsided in favor of the man, despite the many ways Shonda and the writers attempt to make him fallible and prone to failing the woman he loves. So many times the show is about Meredith suffering because of the whims of a man, and I know that can't just sit uneasily with only me. Ellen Pompeo, who starred as the title character for so many years, even spoke about fighting against moments where she, as a woman, was placed in positions of weakness or frailty for the sake of drama and romance. The infamous "pick me" speech? She pushed back hard against that, saying that it painted both her character and women in general in such a poor light.I'm interested to see how and if this sort of pattern continues or fades away as the seasons progress. As big of a fan as I've been, there is plenty that becomes hazy when a show's been on the air for almost 20 seasons. Really, though: am I the only one who experiences this sort of pulling back of the curtain on shows or films or games from our nostalgic past?

August 9, 2023: Somewhere in TimeHi. Hello. How are you?Time is marching onwards across my body, and tomorrow it takes another great stomp on me. Not on my face, obviously, this porcelain is pristine. That aside, though, I am indeed turning another year older.Man... How did I get here?I am turning 39 years old in a matter of hours now. Why does it feel like just yesterday I was graduating high school, simultaneously ready to take on the world and scared out of my mind? No clue what was coming within the next decade, let alone the one after that.We all process this aging question at one point or another, and in so many different ways. There are songs about it, I'm sure.If I think back to what I was envisioning for my life when I was on that cusp of adulthood, this - this current reality I'm in - is nowhere near what I thought it would be. I was dreaming of greatness, as we're meant to do when we're that young. The innocence before the fall, before the apple and the snake and something about a flaming sword...Honestly I'm glad there's no flaming sword, that part I don't think we have to deal with at least.Maybe I shouldn't be so cynical. Not everyone has the world rear up and bitch slap them across the cheek. Do I envy those people? Oh you bet your ass that I do. I am glad that they've had a smooth landing into the real world, underneath all the seething resentment for them.For me I think it's just still hard, even as I come near to 40, for me to reconcile my current life with the one I saw for myself when I was younger. My self-loathing has a constant supply of fuel from the regret I feel for...for letting my teenage self down. For failing that college freshman who thought they were going to conquer the world. It's not an easy thing to quit feeding that beast, at least not for good.My life isn't bad. I feel like I give off that impression and that does a huge disservice to all the awesome people who inhabit it with me. Despite the lows I experience in the present moment I have a good life. Scary lows, yes, but it's still a good life....And I'm not sure I'd trade it for that dream my younger self had. Yes, I keep tossing logs to my hearth of self-hatred, but even so I don't think I'd jump ship if given the chance for that other life. Somehow, I knew I needed something else. Even in all that naïve chaos I think I knew I was cut from a different cloth. I wouldn't discover that until later, but I knew.So yeah, tomorrow I turn another year older and float a little bit further away from that other dream. Maybe the point is to stop looking back at it and turn around. Who knows how many other dreams are there? Who knows how close they could be if I'd just stop glancing behind and faced forward.

August 11, 2023: Move OnHi. Hello. How are you?I come to you today from the other side of my birthday. I am 39 years old now, staring down the barrel of the big 4-0.It was a quiet day. Most of my more recent birthdays have been quiet days. ...I do miss the years where me and friends celebrated with drinks and parties and general shenanigans. I do. A quiet day of celebrating with very few people and mainly myself isn't so bad though.I have to thank every one of you who sent messages throughout the day. Those really do mean a lot. And the few who donated to the site yesterday: your generosity is appreciated far more than my words can convey.I got this gift in the mail which remains a mystery: this really cool and cute poster, which lists 100 different video games with these little scratch off icons that have little cartoon images beneath depicting that specific game title. It's unexpected and very intriguing! I think I'm going to use it in the future. The sender is an enigma since there was nothing with the package. If you want to let yourself be known, just shoot me a message.This next year, this last hurrah before my nickname options come to include "WD40", I want - I need - to have good come my way. I want to see progress in myself towards stability and reaching my goals. I'm a hornet's nest of self-loathing and doubt and insecurities, as you've no doubt noticed by now. I want to navigate all of that and do the things that are out of my reach right now.You know that feeling? That drive to make good on the potential that you know you have inside of you? That impetus to do right for those around you? It's this double-edged sword that can push you forward if used a certain way or hang from your neck like the heaviest stone if not.I want to cut the cord from the weight and propel onwards. "Gayly forward." Some days will be harder to do that than others but that's why I have loved ones, and medications, and searches for things higher than myself. And you - it's why I have you all.

August 14, 2023: The Monkey MindHi. Hello. How are you?Do y'all remember the phenomenon that was "Eat, Pray, Love"?That is the direct ancestor of those "Live Laugh Love" placards suburban housewives wield like weapons. I mean really, how am I supposed to live, laugh, and love under these conditions?!They put Julia Roberts as the film face of the feelings frenzy and it quickly became a joke, probably one of the first memes to grace the internet. Don't quote me on that, it just feels like it.I bring it up because I'm one of those people who did actually read the book and have a transformative experience with it. With my recent struggles to part the clouds and focus on the light instead of the shadows, I came back to that feeling of working through that book and feeling a release I didn't know was possible.Before reading the book I had gone through a traumatic break up. Truth be told, the whole relationship had been traumatic. The scars I received are still visible and it's been many years since then. Reading through "Eat, Pray, Love", especially the section in India, triggered a release in me that felt like being able to breathe for the first time.There's something incredibly cathartic about letting go of the negativity that's been done to you. Acknowledging your own short comings and giving grace if you can. It's not at all easy to do, but it can feel like being granted a new lease on life. I have this memory of sitting on a porch under a night sky and looking up at the stars, imagining myself letting all my hurts just float away.I still have some of those hurts. I've accrued more hurts, newer and fresher. Sometimes I wonder if this mid-life crisis I've been navigating is some attempt to let go of the new baggage. It's okay if it is, right? Trying to forge a new path while processing wounds?Tell me that it's okay. That it will be okay. That I can, in fact, "live, laugh, love" under these conditions...

August 16, 2023: Brick by BrickHi. Hello. How are you?Alright come here, come right over here and sit down.I have to discuss something with you and I need some outside perspective. Some fresh eyes on the problem.I have tons of ideas. Stories and plots come to my mind all the time. It probably comes from this active imagination I've always had; possibly even overactive, if my track record is any indication. I want to just open up a doc on my computer and let the words flow out onto the page.......Except that is so rarely what happens. The stories I've been able to craft do not actually come easily. There's this block there that I can't seem to get around. I sit at the desk, or on the couch, or on the bed and I place my hands gingerly over the keys and it's like the thoughts scatter away like shadows when light floods through an opening door.I've tried different techniques and gotten advice from friends but it's still a very difficult process. That's so infuriating! I want to weave together magical tales to be read or experienced, and to have that not be an innate thing makes me want to pull my hair out. I mean...I don't have the hair to pull, but you know what I mean.Let me know what ways you use to get past those mental blocks. I'll be over here slowly pulling the threads out and lining them up as best I can.

August 18, 2023: I Miss the PixelsHi. Hello. How are you?This has been such an...odd week for me.One of the terms I use to define myself is "gamer": someone who derives great pleasure from playing video games or tabletop games. I've often thought of pursuing streaming, even though I don't have the most optimal set up for it. It seems like a great way to enjoy my passion and possibly earning a living.This week, though, I've just had no drive to even touch my consoles. Either one of them. (I'm a PlayStation and Switch user, with some PC gaming from time to time.) I'm currently unsubbed from one of my favorites - Final Fantasy XIV - so that's right out, and nothing else has really called out to me.I hate that.I really love playing games, and I hate when my depression messes with that. I know that that's part of it, along with that Grey's Anatomy binge I started that I am...deeply lost in. I know most of these episodes intimately and yet I've done little beyond watch them devotedly, in order. And try to write and have nothing come out while I watch them.You know, I looked to see if there's a word or a name for the loss of interest in something or even anything. Do you know what? There is a word for it. Anhedonia. It's the reduced ability to experience pleasure, and it can take many forms both minimal and all-encompassing. It makes sense, too: you've got that base of "hedonism" or "hedonistic" in there with the "an-" prefix denoting a lack of something or a deficit.That was a super nerdy moment, and I kind of apologize for it.Anhedonia is sort of inextricably tied with depression. It's what leads to the feelings of lethargy and disconnection. You just don't feel any spark, any drive.My depression and my anhedonia, I guess, come in waves. I'm a series of peaks and valleys, where I can be good for a period of time and then dip down into a number of days of lows. There's really no rhyme or reason to it, or at least not any that I can see. I hate that as well. I almost wish you could know in advance when these spells happen to that you can plan accordingly.So yeah, I miss playing my games. I want to explore streaming. I want to play and mess around with my friends who game. (That makes the argument that I have some friends who don't game, and...that's probably true. And I love them just the same. Maybe...) I'm just not sure if this is an instance where making myself play will bring that passion back or it will hurt the cycle even more.Hell it could be some funky energy with my birth month now slowly starting to wane. I am one to believe in the flow of forces like that. I could always do a simmer pot, get some good mojo going in the house.Either way, I miss my games.

August 21, 2023: He Is Not The Sun, You AreHi. Hello. How are you?Listen, don't mind the boxes of tissues everywhere. I'm only halfway through my current Grey's Anatomy binge so this clutter is only going to get worse.Yesterday, I reached the end of season 10 and the departure of Dr. Cristina Yang.That was and remains a seminal, deeply meaningful episode for me. For anyone who has that one primary, important friendship you may know where I'm going with this. Maybe you felt the same way when you watched Yang move on to Zurich, leaving Meredith back in Seattle.When I started college, I made a number of friends through my theatre classes and other on- and off-campus shenanigans. It wasn't until at least 2-3 years in that I met Sidney, who's first words about me were to our mutual friend upon first meeting me: "who's this bitch?"From that moment until now, we've been through ups and downs and the bond has only strengthened as the years have gone by. I think we knew pretty early on that we were each other's "person": that friend who will bring the tarp and shovel and help you bury the bodies.So, to put it in a parallel to Grey's Anatomy, Sidney is the Cristina Yang to my Meredith Grey.Watching the whole ending arc of their relationship, at least in the world of the show, always hits home hard to me. Years ago, Sidney moved on from the small town bubble we had existed in for so long: first to graduate school in Louisiana, and then eventually to D.C. where he lives today. I watched him go and encouraged him every step along the way because of fucking course I did and do. To me, he's lightyears ahead of me and is the north star to which I aspire.I don't think he likes when I gas him up to that level but he can suck it.I got to watch Cristina fly away to Zurich, and I got to watch Sidney fly away as well. It's hard to feel like I'm the one left behind. I'm not left behind, though: I just am where I am, due to my own reticence to change and the unknown.Therefore I cried. I've seen that episode quite a few times and I cry every single time. That's my person heading out and conquering the world even when they don't feel like they are. That's me staying and dealing with my many different messes.How dare Shonda know me so well for having never met me.

August 23, 2023: This is My God NowHi. Hello. How are you?How many of you were mythology geeks in high school?You know what I'm talking about: you had to read "Mythology" by Edith Hamilton at some point either freshman or sophomore year and you proceeded to make it your entire personality.Don't look at me like that. I know I'm not the only one who did it.You envisioned yourself as some toga-enshrouded deity, or you drew mythological parallels to that upperclassmen crush who wouldn't acknowledge your existence. It's perfectly fine to admit it. I'm not going to judge you.I'm not exactly sure that I grew out of that phase. I've often been enthralled by mythical tales, their convoluted cast of characters and eternal themes. They tend to creep into my aesthetic preferences and even my writing. (You may just notice a short story directly about them in my works.)Lately, while I've been making my way through my Grey's Anatomy binge, I've been sitting up on my laptop and going through my limited Steam library. I fell back into one of my favorite genres: civ and battle sims. Think of Warcraft (not World of Warcraft but the original series) or Age of Empires. That latter title series had a spin off called Age of Mythology and that particular title snagged my while I binged to my heart's content.You play as either Greeks, Egyptians, Norse, Chinese, or Atlantean civilizations and use favor with your society's gods to advance your culture and bring destruction down on your enemies. I like them more for making my neat little towns because I'm a nerd like that, but in Age of Mythology I love the inclusion of the various deities and how they each have unique ways to influence your military, economy, etc.It's funny to think about how human we made our gods. These are immensely powerful beings who can control the elements, or embody existential things like creation and/or destruction, and yet we gave them personalities. We gave them flaws, we made them imperfect. We made them like us so that the huge, scary unknowable facets of our lives would be just a little bit more bearable. That's why now, eons after the fact, we relate to them and make ourselves akin to them to make it through the days.For the record, the one deity I associate with the most comes from the Greek pantheon: Persephone, the wife of Hades and Queen of the Underworld. A goddess of both life and death. Something about her resonates with me and she definitely colors my ideas when it comes to storytelling. Maybe I have a thing for dark, unobtainable men, but it's probably much deeper than that.These gods, across civilizations, and the stories we created about them have become archetypes that we build so much of our world upon. We use their bones to make sense of our surroundings and build even more stories for the future.We're all really mythology geeks, whether we recognize it or not.

August 25, 2023: Twisted MetalHi. Hello. How are you?I was raised on video game consoles.They brought me to church every Sunday. Instilled the difference between right and wrong, A and B. Showed me the world from my living room. Gave me the best Christmases of my youth!Yesterday I happened to be discussing my trials and tribulations with Baldur's Gate 3. Back in 2021 I happened to purchase it on Steam for my laptop. It was still in beta, or early access, or whatever. I don't play a lot on PC but I do from time to time: World of Warcraft is the main reason I came to MMOs to begin with.Back then my laptop didn't handle the game very well. I honestly can't tell you how long I've had this PC but it is a gaming model. It was a Christmas gift to myself. That said, it definitely is getting older so I'm not surprised if the newer games don't mesh well.So lately, with the game's full release, I figured I'd give it another go. Updated my graphic drivers to the most current versions, redownloaded the game... Marginally better than I remember but still not a fun experience. At least not worth struggling through it.It's kind of an age old debate: console versus PC. Both sides think that their method or medium is superior. I don't think there's necessarily a winner between the two, just preferences. Pros and cons that are different for each individual.For me, console is my home and my safe place. I'm quite comfortable running games on PC but when I think of, say, raiding in Final Fantasy XIV, I honestly couldn't imagine being able to accomplish that as proficiently as I do with controller with a mouse and keyboard. I can do it but I'm just not as good at it....I can always hook up a controller to the PC. I do realize that, before I get any pushback there.Mouse and keyboard warriors tend to be amazed at how good I can be with a controller. It's a mentality thing, in both directions.More so, though, playing on console is much more hassle-free than with PC. During my whining about BG3 my amazing friend mentioned how they're pro-console as well because updating and upgrading a PC comes with many headaches and great cost. Console gens (generations) tend to come fully loaded, easily upgradeable and - at least before the last few years - way more affordable than the PC upgrades you'd need.Baldur's Gate 3 won't be coming to the PlayStation4, which is my current Sony console. Right now...I don't know when I'll be able to acquire a PS5 if at all, so I might just miss out on that title which has the community raving. And I most definitely don't have any funds for a new PC or upgrades.That's alright though! I'd honestly rather wait for things to come to console. I am loyal to the parent who raised me so well.

August 28, 2023: What Do I Game ForHi. Hello. How are you?I feel like I've been on some form of fasting. Abstaining to show my dedication to some god above.Only it's nowhere near that solemn or serious. Don't look at me like that, you know I like a metaphor, a simile.So for at least, hmm, two weeks or so now I hadn't touched my PlayStation. The controllers had sat sad and alone on their charging station; my headset had languished unused. This neglect is partly because I started this Grey's Anatomy binge marathon and it's taken over my life in a way I really didn't expect. Funny how something you haven't touched in awhile can overwhelm you so completely.I think the rest of it had to do with Final Fantasy XIV - my MMO baby, my gig. I really have loved discovering and playing that game for the past...wow, something like 7 years. It's drawn me in and held me close, not to mention gifted me some pretty amazing friendships in the mix. That's not to say it's all sunshine and rainbows...Right now I don't have the funds to keep my subscription to the game active on my own. A very dear friend of mine has been covering the cost for me for awhile now. The same friend who convinced me to give the game a second chance, as a matter of fact. It's a gift that I don't ask for but appreciate greatly because good friends are hard to come by in this world. I don't like charity most of the time, but I accept it.This also means that my game time is subject to said friend's financial situation, which can fluctuate because life never wants to be a straight line. It loves to rise and dip at a moment's notice. So recently I was unsubbed from the game. And honestly I looked at the time as some much needed R&R from my adventures in Eorzea.Game burnout is a real thing. Gaming burnout is as well: an overall exhaustion with picking up the controller or manning the keyboard and mouse one more time.I love video games, don't get me wrong. They're a passion which I'm trying to make a career out of in someway, somehow. That doesn't mean I always want to play them. Forcing yourself to play constantly when you're not really in the mood is the quickest way to flip a switch within and make something enjoyable sour. The best remedy for that is to step away....In a way, that's what I did 2 years ago this week. I had been living and working in a field that I had educated myself in and existed within for close to two decades. And I grew exhausted of it. It began taking a toll on me that I did not foresee, and once I identified that I thought long and hard about it and took decisive action.That's a way bigger example of me just not playing games for awhile because I was tiring of my favorite thing, but the parallel is unavoidable now that I'm writing it all out here.The difference is that I want to get back to gaming. Once I'm done here I'll be settling in with some old friends and some new titles and getting back into the swing of things. To be truthful...I don't want to return to where I was two years ago. I am struggling day by day but I am on the road to a new me and a new future.Somethings need a little break to make you remember your love for them. Others take a little break to make you realize you were never right together.

August 30, 2023: Pumpkin Spice Hump DayHi. Hello. How are you?We are live, reporting in from the outer walls of the storm of the century. I can't even see my car in the yard right now!...That may or may not be because I am nowhere near a window. Idalia, for me at least, hasn't brought much more than a drizzle. I have family closer to the coast who're getting good and drenched but for now it's just a dreary Hump Day.We're getting ready to leave my birth month behind and dive head first into autumn. All you spooky season acolytes can celebrate even harder now while I look longingly at my boxed up Christmas decor. They're defrosting but they're not coming out just yet, don't worry.Even though it stays ungodly hot here for way longer than I'd want, the autumn remains my favorite time of year. Just the thought of crisp breezes, scarves, comfy sweaters, warm fires, and the seasonal food just makes my spirit happy. Plus I also happen to really like winter for the holidays and cooler temps, so autumn just means those are all the closer.Somewhere in my parents' attic is a box of ceramic decorations especially for Halloween: I know there was a scarecrow, and a ghost, and I think the other figurine was a witch. I remember she'd put them out for the season and I would get them down and play with them like they were dolls.I'm not really an ookey spooky person. I am a yuletide gay, not a Halloween gay and that's despite the "creative" costumes I could come up with in college. Come to think of it, the cool costumes my mom would make for me as a kid. Me, one of my best friends and their kid brother went trick or treating one year as black-robed ninjas in handmade costumes. It was amazing, really.Plus I really do love a witchy vibe. The books on Wicca or general witchcraft or tarot or other occult vibes that I've accrued over the years are proof of that.I hate global warming for making my autumns way hotter than they should be. I love parts of the South where I'm from but I hate the heat that pervades every single season. My holidays - the ones I really love - deserve the chilly weather that my childhood clings to.Anyway, the dreary day continues with leisure and new stresses abounding. You guys take it easy if the wind's blowing around you, okay?

blog archives: july 2023

July 3, 2023: Some Like It Hot, But I Don'tHi. Hello. How are you?Fuck my life, it's hot. Have I mentioned how much I dislike being hot? It's kind of a central tenet of my being, my existence. I can handle cold because I can always add layers; I can't handle heat because once I'm naked the only next step is just becoming a skeleton, and even then I may still be miserably hot!I'm just glad I'm a Southerner and live in a Southern state where we know the value of central AC. Some of you Northerners talk about window units or stand fans being your source of cooling and I just...will never understand. Like, I understand in a rational way - we live in different climate zones, technically, so different needs - but in a very irrational way I think you are all simply mad....I'd also like to chime in right here that climate change is real and we're living through the consequences of doing nothing about it now, despite years of warnings. If you somehow feel differently, lick rust and sit in your factual wrongness.I'm a summer baby. An August Leo, with two other fire signs for parents.Even with that fiery base, I am not a summer fan. I'm so sorry to those who revel in heat stroke, but it's just not my jam. Instead, I'm an Autumn and Winter girlie. (True Autumn, not the Extended Summer we have down here now.) Give me cool breezes and cozy sweaters and scarves, not sunburns and heat advisories.I've tried to be that Summer lover, I really have done the due diligence. I've tanned both poolside and in the beds; I've slathered on the sunscreen and lazed on the sand dunes or the blazing pool tiles. I have done the river excursions, fireworks in the park, I have done my time. ...And it's just not for me. I think those that enjoy those things have some kind of predisposition to insanity. Maybe a hereditary trait coded into their genetic makeup.(It actually doesn't matter to me, all those things I listed are really fun and there's nothing wrong with you if you enjoy them. ...But I really do wonder if you need to get tested.)I have to wonder how all of the summer enthusiasts, the heat fans are going to handle the evolving truth that their favorite temps and seasons are increasingly trying to kill us all. Science fiction stories are just fairy tales with technology, but most of them are based in actual science, and we can look to them and see what we have coming at us. Scorching temperatures and a planet that's trying to heal itself like an oven self-cleaning by burning away all the gunk. ...We're the gunk, if that wasn't immediately obvious.Even in my favorite video games, the desert levels or areas are almost always my least favorite experiences. Just the idea, the fictional depiction of those kind of dog days makes me hugely uncomfortable and unhappy. Desert dungeons? Cacti that are hell bent on my death? Traversing sandy dunes on foot or even on a mount? Why?! Why would you put me through that, you sadistic bastards?At least I have power and air-conditioning and access to other amenities to combat the heat. I and most of us are far more privileged than we know until we start thinking of the hundreds of thousands who don't have what we do. #FirstWorldProblems is a cutting thing but definitely helps keep it all in perspective.I'll keep complaining and keeping to my little corner of shade, but I'll rein it in. ...Maybe. ...Possibly.(Mom Update: The healing proceeds a pace. My brother and his family visited this weekend and it definitely was a great distraction and a different kind of healing salve for sure. Mom is making strides at walking on her own - with supervision from me or Dad - which makes me feel confident she's getting steadier and stronger again. Progress.)

July 5, 2023: For the Love of the Video GameHi. Hello. How are you?I've been thinking about video games lately. ...Big surprise, I know. I'll give you a moment and space to reel from that revelation..........Okay, that's all you get.Gaming isn't just a hobby or a pastime for me, it really is a passion that I take such joy in; however, lately it feels like some of my drive for it has ebbed, has taken leave of me. Which is very rude, in my humble opinion.It may have something to do with the funk I wrote about recently: as #firstworldproblems as it is, not having access to the latest titles coming out this year really has dampened my spirits when it comes to playing games. I can only repeat titles so many times before I tire of the same old, same old. (And I love the games I bring back out, don't get me wrong.)So I've been taking some time out to think back on what has made me love playing these silly little stories so much.First and foremost, although there are some titles that are frivolous, unserious stories meant to be funny and entertaining, so many games generate a catharsis for the player. A moment where you work through rougher, harsher emotions that you set aside because they're painful, and these titles use the thrill of gameplay and storytelling to allow you the safe space to just let those feelings happen.When I think of a game that affected me in such a way, there are one or two that can come to mind, but one stands out each and every time. And that's Final Fantasy X.Final Fantasy X was the title that started my love affair with the Final Fantasy series, which continues strong and deep to this day. It released right as I was graduating high school back in 2002. ...Oh God, that hurt. I didn't think about what I was saying, and now I've wounded my own pride with acknowledging my age.Gimme a minute, hold on...

......Okay, I took some Advil and put on a shawl. I can continue now. Gather back 'round, children.I played through Final Fantasy X and, if you haven't had the pleasure of doing so yourself yet, I won't spoil it for you here. The story hits you hard, and I've found it does so for so many different reasons depending on the gamer.For me, there's this element to the romance which blossoms and grows as the story unfolds which struck a very intimate chord. It had this amazing effect on me because even though it's a heterosexual love in the game, the context and circumstances which mold it and shape it resonated with me as a young gay man. It may not have been intended to mirror me and my inexperienced views on love at the time, but they did all the same and helped me begin to work through how I viewed love and affection.Aside from feeling deeply connected and invested in that one portion of the story, the entire game is this sweeping narrative that drags you along more than willingly. It's a title I can return to after years away and feel just like I did when I first played it. The battle system, the variety of additional content that can entertain (or irritate to no end...I'm looking at you, chocobo racing in the Calm Lands): it just brings back such amazing memories for me.It's experiences like that, with FFX, that made me the addict that I am today. In fact, just talking about it makes me think of some other titles that now I want to revisit. Some games don't have the same impact a second or a third time, but there are plenty that are so well-crafted that they become timeless. That's talent, all the developers and creatives that worked to craft such a game.Maybe the lesson I take from the funk that I'm still wallowing in is that there are always going to be highs and lows in any aspect of life: you just have to find little moments of that joy you remember fondly during the moments of ebb to get you through to the next flowing of happiness.Ooooh look at me, all philosophical and shit! Modern day Plato, that's me. Socrates? Never heard of him. And so humble, too!While I continue to primp and preen at my own genius, hopefully you take some time to remember something that's given you that serotonin boost in the past and relive it for a bit. And if you're a gamer like me, or even just have a happy memory of a video game at all, let me know about it! Shoot me an email or a DM at my socials and regale me with some video game adventures that made you smile. I'll be waiting to live vicariously through you!

July 7, 2023: The Good, The Bad, and The HornyHi. Hello. How are you?No time for idle chit chat today, guys, girls, and theys. Serious business needs to be discussed, as today's title indicates.The social media wars have had new fronts open up, and who is suffering? The horny. The thirsty. Those that lust in their hearts and curate their feeds accordingly.

If you've been living underneath a rock, or happen to just not exist in the online social spheres, maybe you're not aware of the current chaos. (Yes, Boomers, I'm looking at you. You've successfully invaded Facebook but I know the rest of the apps aren't your forte.)Twitter, to put it mildly, has been in a slow-mode version of implosion ever since Elon Musk bought it. The malevolent meme lord has been basically tearing it apart and attempting to create his own lucrative Frankenstein's monster from the remnants, and despite the chaotic elements who call it home doing their best to be thorns in his side he's carrying out that plan. Pay walls, catering to fringe radical conservative ideologies and conspiracy theorists, and lately reducing viewing rates have given rise to a social media app that feels more like a portal to a dumpster fire than a streamlined method of communication.The funny part is those forces of bedlam that have called Twitter a safe haven for years are, by and large, remaining on the platform in an expression of some weird, voyeuristic kink. Think about how traffic bottles up on the interstates when there's a car wreck on the opposite side of the lanes: that's essentially what's happening on Twitter.There is another reason many are staying, however, and it all has to do with our primal urges and the ability to monetize on it.

Let me preface this with something that may be shocking to you, dear reader. I am a sexual creature, and I love a good nude or good porn clip.Yes, mother; yes, friend from high school; yes, church matron who follows my exploits via my parents' online activity: I'm a horny gay man. Quelle surprise.Half of my Twitter feed is information on things that I'm interested in. That can be geo-political news, or updates on the latest entertainment and art, or even interesting people and their daily musings. The rest of it? It's various hot men with very little to nothing on, doing things that would make you blush. And you know what? The majority of the people on Twitter are the same way. It's a megaflow of information at our fingertips but it's also this enormous repository of spank bank-worthy material for when we need that release but don't want to be bothered by another human being.Maybe I should give you a moment to take that all in and process.............Okay, unclutch the pearls and let's move on.Now why am I bringing up this lurid aspect of social media? I'm so glad you asked. You know, I wouldn't have even touched this subject if you hadn't been so insistent in the first place.As Twitter is in its long free fall to oblivion, which may or may not actually happen, other apps are rising up out of the aether to take up its mantle. And that is causing some controversy among those of us who want to maintain our access to titillating images and videos.One alternative that has come up follows very closely in Twitter's decentralized, free-wheeling footsteps: BlueSky. It hasn't officially released yet - it's in a beta, or testing, phase, and is strictly invite or waiting list only for access - but is a successor directly from one of the original creators of the dying bird app, Jack Dorsey. This is the platform which seems to have the potential freedom for the horny masses and their vices. On the other side is a streamlined creation from the mind and owner of both Facebook and Instagram, Mark Zuckerberg - Threads. In the shadows, he and his company Meta have been making this Twitter rival and now seems as good a time as any to launch it while Elon Musk stands in the fires of disarray he's caused. Zuckerberg, Meta, and their apps are notorious for censorship of nudity, however, so even if it is a sleek model, where will we get our rocks off while threading our way through the content?There's obviously bigger questions and implications to maneuver through in regards to these online social spaces: rights to privacy, consequences of words and actions in a virtual environment. Not to mention there are other alternatives that are competing for air in this race, like Hive and Mastodon and others. In a period where we are flooded with various social media platforms, it's a chaotic time to try and find your niche and your safe space.The access to porn and nudity, and the freedom to express yourself in those mediums and even make a living from it, are a vital piece to our future growth in the digital world. Sure, I'm talking about me being able to see big bara tiddies (which I talk about a lot, I'm now realizing...) when and where I please as if it's some huge issue of import. But guess what: it IS a big thing!You're gonna be hearing about these apps and their conflicts as you watch the evening news more than you think. Matter of fact, you'll probably be hearing reports of Twitter looking to get litigious with Meta over Threads: Musk thinks it's foul play for the rival platform to hire former wrongfully-terminated bird app employees who might have with them some trade secrets they can divulge to give Threads a leg up. ...I personally think that's just tough shit for the blood diamond despot, but that's just me.We're all in charge of our own online destiny, and as such we have to choose where to exist, where to plant our flag. With all this upheaval, and as someone who's slowly building a digital career of sorts, choosing an alternative space to Twitter should it, indeed, fall apart at the seams is a difficult choice. Part of that decision-making process includes where I can access or even (gasp) create my own explicit content. A boy does have to pay the bills, after all, and I absolutely have considered it before.Again, sorry Mom.Where I get my fix of nudes is just as much a consideration as where I get my news, or my goods. Perhaps portions of us still consider it uncouth to discuss that, but I feel like Millennials and Gen Z have generally thrown that stigma to the wayside. Why should we be ashamed of our needs and getting them met in healthy ways? I like seeing men of different shapes, stripes, and sizes in flagrante delicto, and that's gonna have a huge impact on where I stake my presence online.If I were Musk, Dorsey, or Zuckerberg, I'd be hugely remiss if I overlooked that aspect of social media in today's world. My head and my heart make my choices in concert, but (at least as a cisgender man) my head has two votes. And they're both important.

July 10, 2023: Your Exhausted JudyHi. Hello. How are you?Ooooh, girl! You've got burnout.Yall remember when RuPaul used that then memorable tagline during Drag Race? She, rightfully, eliminated the phrase due to transphobic language, but sometimes in the middle of nothing related it pops into my head and I find myself saying it aloud to the room.I've been thinking about the grand dame, RuPaul, and her juggernaut TV empire a good bit lately. ...Maybe because I just can't escape it anymore.

Once upon a time, I fully saturated myself in all things RuPaul's Drag Race, or RPDR for short. Every time a new season was announced, I delved into the list of participating queens and got a feel for who I might be rooting for during the show. I ate up all the looks, and the drama, and the "competition" of it all. I adored it.This is not to say I no longer enjoy Drag Race at all! I still love it, honestly.I do, however, feel like I can no longer get away from it when I need a break. I don't actively watch the seasons, whether the normal franchise, the All-Stars spin-off, or the international versions; however, because of social media and the internet in general, I'm flooded with the episodes and clips whether or not I'm looking for them.I know what happened on the latest episodes due to Twitter, or Instagram, or TikTok. And for now, I'm fine with experiencing the shows vicariously through others' posts rather than actively engaging with them.It's just too much. RuPaul has made it so that no part of the year is untouched by the sequined glitz that is Drag Race. It's...it's a good problem to have. Once upon a time content that showcased drag or really any aspects of queer culture were regulated to their own networks. We all remember Logo, whether you had access to it or not. We really weren't represented within mainstream media, and instead had to make our own spaces which weren't always accessible.Now, drag and queerness is growing more and more "acceptable," more commonplace within the zeitgeist and the mainstream. Drag Race has hopped various networks which all reach far outside of the Rainbow Connection and into the nuclear heteronormative families nationwide and internationally. It's truly a remarkable step forward.That being said...now we just cannot escape it. When one season ends, another has already been announced and premieres within short order. These men, women - these queens - are getting incredible exposure that might not otherwise be obtainable, and yet I find myself dreading new cast announcements or franchise expansions.

In a way, it's a level of privilege to be able to find myself weary of Drag Race and all of its iterations. We've come a long way, baby. The franchise and all its variations definitely continue to uplift the Alphabet Mafia, as well as have its fair share of issues that garner valuable criticism. It's a definite sign of progress. I continue to find joy and amazing television moments from the shows, even if I choose not to actively watch anymore.I just want more than 2 weeks between being assaulted by RuPaul's cackle on the regular. I don't think that's too much to ask.

July 12, 2023: Fight, WGA, FightHi. Hello. How are you?Alright, friends. It's time to be for fucking real, which can be hard for someone who likes to utilize humor as a coping mechanism. This moment deserves just as much serious focus as needed levity, though, so let's get to it.The driving force of my blog and my articles is, ostensibly, the "art we consume." That includes the television and movies we watch, and even the video games we play. It would be irresponsible of me to do that without talking about the current Writer's Guild of America strike.

There's a potential chance that you have no idea what I'm talking about, but if you're an avid viewer of movies and/or television (especially late night fare) then you're aware that there's a huge battle going on between the WGA and the AMPTP (Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers).The WGA has sent its members on strike, meaning no show or film writers (which do not just include scriptwriters but so many other vital positions for a show's or a movie's creation) have been working since the beginning of May 2023. Their main grievance: residuals from streaming media. Even with the major cable networks and film studios, more and more of the content we consume comes through streaming services like Netflix or Hulu or other such behemoths. The revenue from all of that content, especially residuals from titles acquired from other entities and made available through these services, is the sticking point for the union. Those residuals have cut sizeable portions of annual income for writers as compared to just a decade ago, and they and the WGA are fighting to see more of that money be equitably distributed.There's another item on the table that's just as important, and a growing issue in this industry: artificial intelligence. AIs can be given simple prompts and turn them into complete scripts or documents with very little effort. Such entities as ChatGPT are gamechangers for so much of our society, and the writers union wants to ensure that if they're to be utilized within the entertainment industry that they be limited to research purposes or the facilitation of script ideas. The looming threat of being replaced by such technology is very real.One of the biggest and most useful tools when seeking negotiations has to be disruption, even if it's also one of the most controversial. When the WGA and its writers go on strike it means that large swathes of the industry have to close down or risk retaliation, both in the public and legal spheres, for breaking the picket line. Your favorite late night talk shows, your favorite late night sketch comedy programs, your most anticipated films: all end up being effected. And that is exactly the point. It weights on the producers guild knowing that their bottom line is being affected, not to mention that the majority of the public - those of us that avidly eat up their products - are on the side of the writers and see the producers as the ones holding up their desired commodities.

Of course, in what may be stereotypical moustache-twirling villain style, the AMPTP are the ones sitting on millions if not billions of revenue which enables them to sit at the negotiation table with arms crossed, not budging an inch and waiting for the other side to cave. In a rash of recently published articles, the endgame of the Hollywood studios was laid out almost exactly as I just expressed: the plan for these studio execs and their guild is to wait out the writers who they believe will get desperate as their own funds dwindle.It's not a surprising move, at least to someone like me who can be very cynical when the mood hits, but it's insidious and dastardly all the same. Insiders and veterans of the industry are confirming this strategy left and right, meaning these individuals are looking to "break" the WGA and its members, driving them to poverty, insolvency, even potential homelessness to ensure they don't have to give up one cent of their increased bankrolls....If it wasn't apparent, this isn't some objective look at the situation. This is a space for my personal opinions, and I am always going to be squarely with the creatives of the industry I studied and worked in for two decades. How can I not be when so many of my friends who work professionally within the Hollywood machine are currently being negatively affected by a small number of Snidely Whiplashes? How can I not support them and lift them up when what happens to them in this fight can have ripple effects through the entire entertainment industry?Other guilds and unions within the industry, such as the DGA, Director's Guild of America, and SAG-AFTRA, the Screen Actors Guild - American Federation of Television and Radio Artists, have been voicing their support for the strike thus far, with varying levels of commitment. (I'm looking at you, Directors Guild.) SAG-AFTRA is currently on the brink of joining the fight with a strike of their own which would parallel the WGA's fight. Studios are scrambling to mediate their way to avoiding such a move but even today, "at the eleventh hour," it's uncertain whether their efforts will bear fruit for them.

So after bringing you up to speed, why does it matter? Why am I subjecting you to all of this?First and foremost, you came to my site so you get what I give you, little birdies.Second, and much less sarcastically, I really feel that it's my duty to be upfront with my readers about the conditions surrounding the creative people who craft the content I discuss daily. I'm striving to build a career for myself, a way to support myself and express my passion, as well as create a safe creative space here for anyone who needs it. The writers, and possibly the actors as well, who work day in and day out on these projects I talk about are trying to ensure they can make a living doing much the same thing. Survival is the name of the game, and I can't in good conscience avoid the topic or unintentionally support those who are trying to suppress these hard-working people's earnings for their own profit.Writing for film and television projects, much like performing in them, requires tons and tons of preparation, education, and labor. That should be compensated fairly and equitably, and as the entertainment landscape changes and evolves so should the parameters for earning a living in it evolve as well. The technology that enables the latest breakthroughs shouldn't be replacements for human ingenuity and creativity.Going forward, I will be doing my best to ensure that any titles I write articles about - movies, television, possibly even games - are projects that were created and released well before the strike went into place. I do not - I repeat, do not - wish to elevate material that either utilized scab writers or pressed protesting writers into service despite the strike. I'll be doing my research to make sure I stand by this, but you guys read my content so if you see something slip through my lens then please let me know if a movie or a show goes against my own guidelines.Disruption sucks, I'm not going to deny that. Sometimes, though, it's the only way to raise your voice above the noise and strive to ensure equality and fairness are fought for as hard as you can.I support the WGA strike and so does my site. Don't ever get it twisted.

UPDATE || July 13, 2023:
Well, it's official as of midnight tonight: for the first time since the 1960s (when the strikes were lead by none other than the jelly bean asshole future president himself, Ronald Reagan), SAG-AFTRA will be striking alongside their sister union, the WGA.I am not the biggest fan of Fran Drescher, the icon of The Nanny fame who happens to be the current SAG-AFTRA president, but at the press conference announcing their impending strike, she gave an incredibly fiery speech, railing against the incredulous actions and words from the AMPTP and studio execs in regards to the actor's guild's demands.At the same time as this is happening, Bob Iger, the Disney CEO who just extended his contract into 2026 and added a $5 million bonus to his already outrageous $27 million salary, called the WGA and SAG-AFTRA strikes "ridiculous," "unrealistic," and "very disturbing" to him.I think he and his studio exec compatriots demeaning requests for equitable pay practices from the writers and actors is "very disturbing" to me, especially considering how the current industry economy, with streaming and AI components, heavily favors him and gives meager trickles (if that) to the creatives who make his money-makers.If you'll give me a moment, I'll give my full feelings on Bob Iger and his ilk. Ahem...Fuck you, Bob Iger.

July 14, 2023: Biloxi Blue MagesHi. Hello. How are you?Oh, friend. Friend of mine. I am feeling blue.Wait, whoa there. Why are you coming for a hug? It's way too hot for that, stop it!I'm feeling blue because new Blue Mage content is coming to arguably my favorite MMO, Final Fantasy XIV. ...Guess I could've stated that clearer from the jump. That's on me.

"What the hell is a blue mage?", I know you must be asking right now. If you're not I'm still gonna tell you, so deal with it.In the Final Fantasy franchise there are multiple classes or "jobs" that characters can inhabit which affects their battle style: warrior, black mage, white mage, dragoon, etc. Your preferred play style is echoed by some character out there in the Final Fantasy pantheon.Blue mages are a very unique breed among the jobs because they take the skills, abilities, and spells that your enemies use and obtain them for themselves, turning them back on the various creatures and villains. It's a really interesting tactic and makes for entertaining gameplay, and have given rise to some of the most beloved characters in the Final Fantasy universe: Kimahri (Final Fantasy X), Quistis (Final Fantasy 8), Quina (Final Fantasy IX), and Strago (Final Fantasy VI) just to name a few.In so many instances, when you fight enemies in the Final Fantasy games you'll see them enact skills or cast spells that you, as a melee, ranged, or caster class, just never have access to in your repertoire. Blue mages, instead, create their spell book exclusively from those exact same unobtainable enemy feats. Most of the iterations of blue mage throughout the franchise require the player or character to get hit with the attack in order to learn it.That same method for new spell knowledge continued when blue mage was introduced as a limited job in Final Fantasy XIV, where one player can switch between a myriad of different jobs on one character as they please. A limited job means that the class cannot access certain content and is considered as more of a side content element than a true battle class even though you are out in those Eorzean streets spitting fish in your enemies face and dropping gigaton weights on their heads. (...I'm not making up fake flowery examples, those are two actual skills you can learn and utilize.)So since blue mage debuted in the MMO back in 2019 the developers have slowly rolled out new level caps, new spells, and new content directly accessible by the distinctive job. With this newest incoming patch, blue mages will be able to raise their level to a maximum of 80 (all other battle classes and crafting/gathering classes can currently max out at level 90). They have a special piece of content known as the Masked Carnivale, where blue mages progress through performative battle stages requiring them to utilize specific enemy spells to achieve victory. They have some badass mounts - including a freakin' morbol mount which I want so badly I could punt a moogle - which are locked behind achievements for completing duties (dungeons), trials, and raids in blue mage only parties. In many ways, it's a hugely fun and popular pastime within the game to participate in blue mage content and chase those exclusive rewards.........Now might be a good time to mention that I actually do not like living that blue life within Final Fantasy XIV.I told you the content and perks of playing the job but for me, personally, I find little enjoyment in it. Do I currently have my main character's blue mage job fully level capped? Yeah, sure. Am I missing over half of the current spellbook? Oh totally, I'm not keen on putting myself through that torture.For me, playing blue mage acts more like a chore than actual entertainment. Bashing my head against synched past content in order to chase spells or skills that I still won't be able to use effectively in progressing myself through the Carnivale just doesn't entice me. (For some context, you can "unsync" content that is not a part of the current expansion. This means you go into the duty or the trial or what have you at your current level instead of the game "syncing" you to the level of the content you're accessing. Doing that means you can potentially waffle stop older content that eluded you back when it was current.)I happen to have an incredibly good gaming friend who loves blue mage within Final Fantasy XIV, and they're super excited for the new incoming content and has already wrangled me to "help" them with it. My "help" basically means running around healing them with one of my max level healers while they level themselves, and pulling me into synched trials that will test my patience. I'm down to level my own blue mage at the same time, so I'm not entirely opposed to it, but they know me so well that they asked for my assistance pretty meekly, knowing I might pitch a fit just at the idea.I'm not a monster. Of course I'll help them out. I refuse to enjoy myself while I do so, though.I'll be more than content to live vicariously through the happiness of other gamers who really enjoy blue mage and all it's monster fucker implications. (I might explain "monster fucker" more in depth at a later time. For right now, if you're unsure about it just take it at face value and you'll be pretty much there.) Looking at the job and its content with a big picture lens, it just makes me love Final Fantasy XIV all the more for how much they offer their players to keep them invested in their game. They really do implement tons of additional quests and content for different play styles. I mean with the advent of Endwalker they even added an Animal Crossing-type slice-of-life gaming experience with the new island sanctuary players can manage.I'll try and remember that the next time I'm griping about blue mage, which will be sooner than you think. And I still want that damn morbol mount. I'm willing to do a lot of questionable things for it.....but just not the actual blue mage content itself.

July 17, 2023: Bear in the Big Blue HouseHi. Hello. How are you?Y'all, if you ever truly wonder if the universe or God or the higher power of your belief has a sense of humor, you can use me as an example that they do, in fact, possess one.I made a cute joke about being "blue" or sad, when I was merely gearing up to talk about video games. ...Umm, excuse your mouth, it was so a cute joke. I won't let you gaslight me!Well now that there's a weekend between me writing all that and the present moment, I am indeed now "blue."

Big Bird, representing my current state of being, in Follow That Bird (1985)

I really can't document "life, love, and the art we consume..." without showing my mental health and all of its glorious (and nefarious) highs and lows.I've been trying to pinpoint what, exactly, has me in such an emotional retreat since about Friday or Saturday. With a fair amount of certainty I think I've landed on the answers, but they're pretty raw and private. Let's see if I can let you all in without sparking discussions I'm not keen to begin....Damn, Will, you just love to tie yourself in knots, don't you?I'm experiencing this cloying despondency that relates to me not being where I want to be, and that applies to both the literal and figurative senses.I'm going on two months of crafting this blog and this creative space, and these past weeks of building the framework and crafting content for myself and for all of you has been a humongous thrill and privilege. I get so excited when I think about sitting down and working on articles, on my personal pieces, and on the blog itself. Feeling this passion for something has been sorely missing in my life for quite a few years, or at least the proper direction and outlet for it, and every one of you who reads the works here and share them are a part of that joy....Lurking behind all that enthusiasm is fear, waiting in the shadows for moments of vulnerability and weakness to come wrap me in a malevolent embrace. That's basically what's happening right now, I'm being cuddled by anxiety and I did not consent to it. The fear and anxiety have one slideshow that plays in front of me, my eyes wide open, and it runs through images of failure through financial collapse. It displays the totals of my bills, and the amount of interest my credit card keeps charging me, and the absolute absence of income in my bank account. It's not some novel act the duo are trying out on me; they've been performing this routine for countless people far back into history. I'm a small part of their massive audience but because it's me that is currently front row center, it feels visceral and so close.They happen to have this special guest artist that sometimes shows up to jam out with them, and that's resentment. Honestly, that's the big one that I'm wrestling with currently, and it's part of the delicate nature of discussing all of my mental and emotional state with you all. I'm...I'm so incredibly resentful of where I am right now. I tend to run more cynical these days, I admit, but I can feel myself being just tremendously bitter recently.I should be financially stable, able to support myself and help out my friends and family when they need.I should be free to focus on my own needs, wants, and obligations, not having to mold myself to someone else's schedule to my own detriment.I should be free to be by myself, in my own sole company, and not be subjected to the presence of intruders in my solitude.I should be "further along" than I am.I write it down like that, and some of that is directed towards others who have no control - or very little control - over any of my grievances. They shouldn't have the responsibility of bearing the brunt of my jumbled animosity. They just shouldn't. I look at that list of complaints and, even with the items directed at others, I can clearly see who the culprit is, and all I can hear is Taylor Swift in my head:"It's me / Hi / I'm the problem / It's me"I'm resentful of these things and the person who has put me in these egregious situations is me, plain and simple. Times are just difficult for me; probably the hardest I've experienced in my life so far. And I placed myself squarely in the path of all this suffering.Resentment came in but I can see that self-loathing was the guiding hand behind their appearance. That raggedy bitch: I've fought against him for quite some time, admittedly, but he's very cunning. No one - and I really mean this - no one is harder on me than I am. I lift up my loved ones constantly, urging them to love themselves as they are or even supporting them in self-improvement they deem necessary, but I so rarely take the same advice. ...And now I hear Alice, distressed somewhere in Wonderland, saying: "I give myself very good advice but I very seldom follow it."I think being in such a precarious place financially, which can be such a lethal thing, exacerbates my self-hatred to the next degree. It also makes me much more susceptible to resenting others, no matter the circumstances. Even just being in my space can feel like a violent intrusion to me right now, which is hard to avoid when you live with others. I'm just so mad at myself for what I perceive as moving backwards, or even see as failure, when the rest of me can clearly see I'm trying my best to better myself. Instead that loud yet tiny piece within me is in the driver's seat.Huh. A very vocal, very small minority fucking things up for the whole. What a novel concept, am I right?I won't beat this horse to death (sorry, PETA), and instead I'll let you know that I'll do my best to be better to myself. Give myself and others way more breaks; remember to take my meds which I'm sure would be helping with this current crisis if I had been taking them regularly, as I should.Very importantly: to all of you who read my pieces here, please now this was and is not some cry for pity donations. This was not intended as a fishing expedition for your hard-earned coins. My career in this - in blogging, in writing, in gaming - is dependent on support from you, but only if it comes from your pleasure in what I do. I want to have fun with you, and make things that you genuinely enjoy reading and experiencing. I don't want to make you feel bad for me. I want to make you feel great while we nerd out about our favorite things, or have moments together to be sad or mad or, yes, resentful.Pity, and pity pay, is like fruitcake: you don't want it and will be more than happy to give it to someone else. Don't give me fruitcake and I'll do my best not to give it to you. Just be you, 'cause I really like you the way you are. I'll be me, and will try to be better to myself. Even if I'm currently a big blue bird in a cage of resentment.

July 19, 2023: Cozy, Comfy, In CrisisHi. Hello. How are you?[ slides over a steaming cup of tea ]You wanna get cozy? Let's get cozy. It's Wednesday, and currently raining (at least for me), so let's curl up and just relax.Lord knows I need to try and relax and let go. See my previous post if you wanna know what I mean. I've been going through it. Have you been doing the same?When I'm going through something, I'm the type of person who retreats from it, and "it" means basically everything. Don't come into the bubble during those times because you will be met with hostility. Just ask my mother. (Sorry, mom!) I wanna be left alone to mire in my sad or angry feelings; I have to have my own safe space to work out whatever issue or crisis I'm dealing with.Is it always dealt with in a super healthy way? Oh god, no.Back when I smoked, I would have late night either driving in the car or sitting on a front porch lighting up cigarette after cigarette while I fretted over the worry du jour. ...Did you not know I smoked? Don't give me the spiel, I haven't had a smoke in close to a decade. That's wild to think about, actually.Now, I can lose myself in food if I'm in a funk, and for someone who struggles with their appearance and weight that's an awesome bad habit to cling to during stress. I've been better about that lately, but that has more to do with poverty than will power.If you make a "will power" joke with my name right now, I will hunt you down and end you. That's both a promise and a threat.My most healthy form of getting rid of worry and being comfy, cozy? Gaming. Big surprise, I know. It can be video games or tabletop games, either form will do. It's just such an escape from whatever's bugging me. It's therapeutic. Maybe we should be lobbying to have video game costs covered by our health insurance as mental health preventative measures. Could you imagine? Applying the cost of a PS5 to your insurance? Well now I know the future liberals should want.Oooh it's even thundering now. Perfection. Something cozy and cooperative would be awesome right now, like an Animal Crossing or Disney's Dreamlight Valley. Just let me gather resources and build neighborhoods, ecosystems, houses. Let me decorate them and then get an itch to switch it all up and decorate it again....I think having that control over your environment, virtual as it is in a video game or fictional when you play on tabletop, is comforting when the things in real life feel out of our hands. I have no say over whether people are or will donate to me or commission me for work. All I can do is have the framework in place, deliver what I'm able, and move some digital walls around in a video game while I wait for my work to pay off.I can't yell or scream when I'm aggravated. ...Well, technically I absolutely can but surprisingly I don't like drawing attention to myself, so instead I can drop into a game and bash the hell out of some goblins, or sabotenders, or arch-villains with dark humor coping mechanisms bent on world destruction. Seriously, gaming is therapy and now I'm bent on getting healthcare to pay for it.Thanks, Obama.What are your ways to escape it all? Is it gaming like me? Do you binge TV shows that you've seen so many times you can quote along with it without even looking at the screen? Is there a movie that puts you at ease every time? Let me know your comfort media or artforms, 'cause I can always use more outlets for flinging my icy cape aside and letting it go.

July 21, 2023: Far from the Hardcore CrowdHi. Hello. How are you?Are you familiar with the angry gamer? Maybe you've even been the angry gamer once or twice in your life?A number of you may not be acquainted with a "gamer" at all, and all the varied forms the specimen can take on. I can tell you, though, that much like the phrase "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned," something that is both terrifying and hilarious is a gamer who's been slightly inconvenienced.After some reflection over the years I can safely say that I tend to fall more into the "casual" gaymer category: I'm down for easier play in favor of focusing on the story, or just not having to be constantly challenged when I'm playing something. I do sometimes enjoy more "hardcore" content in my games but that's highly dependent on my skill level with said content. If I'm not able to easily pick up what they're laying down, I'm going to find the nearest and quickest exit.I'm thinking about casuals, hardcores, and my penchant for existing somewhere in between them because the gaming community - specifically the Diablo IV base - have been throwing epically-sized tantrums over the latest patch and season release.Many games, whether single player or multiplayer (including MMOs in that group), will increase their longevity by "patching" the game: making adjustments to items both big and small to keep the gameplay interesting and retain players. The Diablo franchise does this along with the implementation of "seasons," unique periods where special, limited-time content, gameplay, and rewards are available. Diablo IV just debuted their first season, Season of the Malignant, but it's been met with high levels of disappointment and complaints.It's not really about the content. This uproar is about the egregious "nerfing" that Blizzard, the parent development company of the Diablo franchise, brought down in anticipation of this new season.Diablo, no matter which of the games in the series you're playing, is a brutal test for the gamers delving into the horrors of hell. It's meant to be harsh, and one of the things that makes it appealing is making a character build that can not only stand up to that torture but repay the abuse tenfold. "Break the game" builds are wildly popular for content streamers, which then become go-to guides for others to emulate.With the advent of Season of the Malignant, Blizzard went in and made it even harder to accomplish this kind of feat, but many of the Diablo players feel they went too far. Damage output, damage reduction, access to necessary resource drops: these and more were severely reduced. If that doesn't make sense to you, let me see if I can rephrase it... Whatever your character and level, as the player you now no longer hit as hard, taking much longer to down your foes; you most definitely take hits harder from the enemies, making every outing into dangerous territory (which is basically everywhere in Diablo games) a fatal journey; and the items you need to make yourself stronger, mainly for gear which can augment your strength and defense, are even rarer and harder to find.I played some of the new season yesterday because I had been seeing rants and complaints across my socials since the pre-patch dropped, putting these nerfs into place. Having been focusing on some other games lately, I needed to see for myself. And to be honest, I could feel what these players had been preaching about: I don't run with god-like builds on my characters, but even I could feel how much lighter my hits were and how much heavier the enemies walloped me. ...I can't say it was a good feeling.Already, Blizzard is indicating that many of these patched decreases will be reversed soon, no doubt because of the outcry from so many prominent players, both within the influencer sphere and just in the general player base. I am, however, thinking of a conversation I had on this topic with one of my best friends lately.Among the deep cuts inflicted here, a number of things - easier plays within dungeons, being one - look to be aimed at making the game more accessible for the more casual gamer. Many hardcore, "dedicated" gamers decry such moves from developers, saying it makes the game too easy, thus making it less entertaining for them. My friend made the point, which I wholeheartedly agree with, that these kind of moves in favor of casual gamers helps the game's ecosystem remain healthy.There will still be content designed for players who want the ultimate challenge, pushing them to hone their skills. Making it so that the game as a whole is more accessible to all players, regardless of skill level, only adds to the overall health of the game. I see the same thing within my main love, Final Fantasy XIV: high-end raiding is not for the weak of heart or wandering of minds, but there's tons of other content much easier than those fights which other players can lose themselves in. None of it adversely affecting the more "hardcore" players.....To be frank - which is odd, because I'm Will - hardcore players will whine at the drop of a hat. The tiniest of moves by developers to ensure all players feel able to access the game causes these endgame crusaders to throw themselves to the floor, pounding their fists and screaming to the rafters. It stems from this mindset where they pushed through and persevered through very hard content, and if others don't have to then they aren't "real" players. The devs are "ruining" the game.They're not ruining the game. Moves to increase access and equity are always going to be beneficial to the health and longevity of the institution, whether it's a game or a democracy. Those resistant to that change eventually adapt, no matter how much they protest. If they truly are turned off by such measures can always stop playing, but it's surprising how many players who make long video rants continue to play the game they're lobbing rabid complaints at for their viewers.I know where I land in the gamer spectrum, but where would you place yourself? Whether you're more casual or more hardcore, know that you're valid in how you take enjoyment from something. Star Wars fans, Swifties...doesn't matter the medium. How you choose to enjoy your art, your hobby, your passion, is not devalued if someone is more rabid or less so.Remember that when you see the gamers and the fan boys/girls/theys yelling on TikTok or YouTube.

July 24, 2023: In a Barbie WorldHi. Hello. How are you?Before we begin today's session, we've just got a few things to go over. Please make sure you've all picked up your registration packets at the front desk. These are very important, they have tons of pertinent info included and Tammy worked so hard with our volunteers to pack them for you!More importantly, though, I had my first donation come in yesterday.I'm not...I'm not certain I can put into words how it made me feel, or at least I don't think I can do so and somehow do justice to the complex rush of emotions I experienced. To that supporter I just want to say a tremendous thank you: small gestures are the building blocks of making dreams happen, and you're a part of that. I won't be able to do this without generosity and patronage, and I'm so looking forward to making it worth your gift.Speaking of "dreams," though...

Photo Credit: Jaap Buitendijk / Courtesy of Warner Bros. Pictures

I haven't even seen the movie, and yet Greta Gerwig's Barbie has been inundating my social media feeds. The TikTok algorithm has been feeding me personal reactions, various interpretations, and even flat out clips from inside movie theaters basically since the film debuted this past weekend. I can't escape that new Billie Eilish song, What Was I Made For?, playing over every other video. (For the record, that's both a blessing and a curse because I happen to think it's a gorgeous track.)The combo of all this exposure to both the film itself and people's reactions to it have me...in my thoughts.I'm homosexual. I know that this is quite a shock, considering the very heteronormative slant of this blog and this site, so I'll give you a few moments to process that news.............You done? Good.I've always been a homosexual but I most definitely haven't always known that. I have, however, always known that I was different; that I was somehow doing something "wrong" just by being myself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me but try telling that to a younger version of myself, aged 8 or 9 or even 10 years old, and I would have nodded my head while inwardly convinced otherwise.Women have always been my safe space. I've gravitated toward them as friends; I've looked to them for leadership and role models. I felt and feel a kinship with them in a way that has always been lacking in my relationships with men. ...Which seems counterintuitive, somehow, since I most definitely am attracted to men, to the masculine.Truth be told, though? I'm scared of men. I always have been way more nervous around men, in my dealings with men. There are countless instances where I have been in a romantic scene with a guy, and as they touch me they're surprised to find me visibly shaking. I always tended to brush it off by saying I'm just predisposed to it, bringing up familial tremors which my mother and grandmother dealt with for years.Yes, Mom: I have used you as an excuse with boys.It's not some physical issue that makes me shake around them, though. It's nerves. Despite my attraction to them, I am deeply uncomfortable around my fellow men.And the question that has long plagued me is this: if I'm so uncomfortable in their company, and if I feel so disconnected from them, am I really one of them?Nothing exacerbated that internal struggle more than the "boy toys vs girl toys" debate which has ruined so many of us as young children. Did I wish for Barbie dolls when I was growing up? Absolutely, I did. The commercials for remote control cars or Nerf guns never really landed with me, although I did rock a Nerf bow and arrow set. Even inside the house, which...got me into trouble, but that's another story.I couldn't ask for Barbies, though. That would never have flown. Not only would I never have gotten them, but I don't doubt that I would have, instead, been given even more "boy" toys as a sort of corrective.There's this seminal memory I have: one of my mother's friends had a daughter, a few years older than me. When I was taken to their house, I was allowed to play with some of her old toys and I had a huge prejudice for her My Little Ponies. I adored those things! They were another treasure that I couldn't ask for at home because of that unspoken knowledge that it was barred from me. In this instance, though, the daughter had no use for them anymore and although the exact details are hazy for me, I just remember that somehow the ponies came home with me.I...could not have loved those toys more. I played with them a ton. How my mother felt about it, being the one who let them come home with me, let alone how my father regarded it, I don't really know. It wasn't treated as a big deal but it most definitely was for me at the time. ...And even now, after all these years.Thinking about My Little Ponies, and Rainbow Brite, and She-Ra, and Care Bears... I had a Care Bear birthday cake one year, which my mother painstakingly iced to look like Good Luck Bear! I did not fit into the stereotypical model for what little boys are meant to prefer, or meant to do. By a long shot. It never escaped me that my liking these things was somehow abnormal, and that created long-lasting guilt and confusion.That same feeling - that same quality - of "otherness," of being expected to be a certain thing but not being it in most ways, has dogged me all my life. I'm a huge gamer, and in so many different titles the game gives the player the ability to create their own character. Guess what you can choose: your gender. Guess which gender I tend to choose... Nine times out of ten, I end up making a female character. I've encountered other gamers, many other gay men, who ask why I do that. They've generally told me that they tend to make male characters as idealized versions of themselves, or as images of what they find attractive.While I can see the appeal in either explanation, any time I make a male character for a game it holds no resonance for me. Somehow I feel more connected seeing myself as the female character. That doesn't even strictly apply to video games: I feel similar with female protagonists (or antagonists) in movies, in television, in books. I feel far more connected to a female singer or songwriter than I do to a man and their voice or perspective.In Barbie, the title character goes on a journey to the real world to discover who she actually can be instead of who she's always been. All the introspective, moody TikToks parsing that adventure apart brings up a question for me which I tend to push away time and time again: who am I actually meant to be?I enjoy being male. I enjoy elements of masculinity.I greatly enjoy elements of femininity, and far more of them than their counterparts. I'm far more comfortable with them.Am I meant to be female instead of male?The idea of potentially being transgender - of being a female trapped in a male's body - has been this itch in my brain since childhood. I just laid out a small smattering of examples above: instances where I questioned myself because my wants, my needs, my predilections were contrary to everything that I was being told. Why wouldn't I question what I truly am beyond just my sexuality when so often I've felt as if I'm not where I'm meant to be?Now, liking "girl" toys or identifying more with the feminine than the masculine doesn't necessarily hold some life-altering revelation. More and more as we travel within the 21st century it's clear that the gender construct is absolute bullshit. Me wanting to only make female characters in video games is just a preference, and shouldn't carry any burden with it. ...Yet it does, at least in my specific circumstance.I've been scared to admit these kind of thoughts in the past. Somehow being gay is the lesser of two "evils" when considering how others would react to such an admission. The fear doesn't make the questions go away, though. They remain even when carefully boxed up and shelved in the recesses of my mind. Would I feel more comfortable, more at ease, if I were a woman? It's a real consideration for me, when I think of how my life has played out thus far and what I wish for in the future.For the moment, Barbie and it's box office success aren't going to radically shift how you may see me out and about in the world. Well, I may have a movement of hot pink taking over my palette, but that'll probably be as far as it goes for now. The conversations and discourse it's bringing up, however, and my eventual viewing of the movie, have brought up and definitely will bring up this specter that hasn't raised its head in quite a while. The box is feeling much smaller and more constraining again, and how I bust out of it is yet to be seen.

July 26, 2023: I Dream of StreamingHi. Hello. How are you?[ peeks over your shoulder ]|Whatcha doin'? Whatcha watchin'?An unhealthy amount of my time - and maybe yours as well - is taken up by surfing through the various streaming platforms, deciding what to watch. Seeking something to either capture my attention for a few hours or to be the perfect background noise while other tasks or activities happen.I'm gonna age myself incredibly by saying this, but do you remember that time, not so long ago, where we really revolved around when the cable networks deigned to broadcast our favorite shows? The TV Guide (both the channel AND the little booklet) dictated our schedules for viewing entertainment at home. What a world, right?Its a little crazy to think that some of us really did arrange our days around when "our show" would be airing. There's no judgment behind that, by the way, because I know I did it and tons of those in my closest circles did as well.With so much of TV now at our fingertips and our whims, I'm just curious if I'm down with the binge, streaming model or if I miss the scheduled, regimented cable drop formula.Streaming has upended the entertainment industry; I mean, we're witnessing the upheaval its created as Hollywood writers and actors picket the major studios for new, more equitable models. Netflix, Hulu, and their ilk create these shows over the course of a few months, and in one day drop an entire series at our feet. We consume it so damn fast! When Netflix was in those heady first days of its streaming transformation - do you even remember when they used to mail us DVDs in little packages at a time?! - it dropped Orange is the New Black and House of Cards one season at a time, and I ate it up. Bingeing was life and it was love: camping out on the couch or the bed with snacks, watching each episode back to back until you had devoured the whole season in just a few hours.I've seen a number of people bemoaning the binge, saying that it robs us of the anticipation that made watching television an event. I can see their point. I remember getting together with friends specifically because it was Thursday night and the latest episode of Grey's Anatomy was coming on, or we had a few hours between our last classes and the start of rehearsals which meant we had time to eat and catch Tyra's recent antics on America's Next Top Model. Half of the fun was making the space and the time to watch those shows. It was exhilarating, to be honest.At the same time, the freedom to choose when and where I watch shows now is liberating. The entertainment is at my disposal, now, and a lot of what our society reaches towards at the moment is personal liberty. Maybe that seems a haughty ideal to put on a discussion over the current iteration of "channel surfing," but that is at least part of the heart of the practice. We can choose to be judicious and parse out each episode for ourselves, or we can throw caution to the wind and digest entire television or film series in entire afternoons.The studios themselves seem to be attempting to infringe on that choice, however; many big companies, like Netflix or Disney+ or Hulu, are now releasing new TV content episode by episode, week by week. HBO MAX (or MAX as it stupidly demands we call it now) regained some old school HBO magic with House of the Dragon, the Game of Thrones prequel series which captured some of that once-a-week spellbinding which had everyone waiting for Sunday nights and Monday mornings.Maybe a healthy balance of both models makes for the best recipe. I don't know where I'd be without the ability to set 30 Rock or The West Wing or something else in my list of favorites on in the background and play from the series debut to the series ender continuously while I work on something. On the other hand, its still thrilling to know I'm gonna close the door to interruptions when the newest season premiere of House of the Dragon comes on, making time for the magic once again.

July 28, 2023: The Lion KingHi. Hello. How are you?Did you really think I had forgotten? Amid this busy time, with new music dropping left and right, gaming conventions and content releases swirling, did you actually think I had let it slip my mind?Silly mortals.This is Leo season, and the lion doesn't forget that it reigns supreme....Alright, that's a lot of smoke for someone who often feels out of place in their zodiac placement, but I'd be remiss to not revel in the time of the cat king.So I've mentioned it here and there, but I am indeed an August baby: a sweet summer child whose stars aligned to make them a Leo. The big day is only a little under two weeks away - August 10th - which puts me towards the middle of the season of the kitty cat. (When people deep into astrology try and throw in that new sign and throw things into chaos and confusion, I actually shift signs, but I don't like to think about that.)Leos are meant to be dramatic and egotistical, materialistic and warm all at the same time. We get our heat from the Sun and frolic with our fellow fire signs, Aries and Sagittarius. I'm actually the child of two Sags, so that's like...triple fire? Maybe?I'll be the first to admit to loving the spotlight from time to time: my foremost passion for so long has been acting on the stage, even some film as well. I feel totally at home with the lights in my eyes and a darkened house in front of me. Dramatic? Yes, you could say that I have a penchant for drama, or at least I have been known to in the past.The reason I've never felt at home in the Leo pride? ...I'm an "extroverted introvert". When I'm in a comfortable situation, with people I know intimately, I am gregarious and fill the room. That's not a brag, that's just...a fact, really. I can also put that on as an act in uncomfortable situations when I need to do so, like professional settings like conferences, meetings, etc. My true core, however, craves that soft alone time where I'm safe with my own thoughts. I'm a people person who...could absolutely do without people. I've met people before who were surprised to learn my birthday placement because of how quiet and reserved I was on our first meetings.That's my father in me. My mother, and her father - Reverend Wick, who gifted me my middle name - can and could talk to rocks and have fruitful, comfortable conversations. My dad and I are the exact opposites: we will sit among everyone else and interact when spoken to directly, otherwise we're incredibly quiet. I'm a bit better with idle conversation and new situations than my dad, I think, but you'd probably never realize how I'm itching to crawl out of my skin and run far away while we talk about this and that. That Leo performance quality does come in handy, now that I think about it...I don't know... When I was younger, I think I definitely leaned into my Leo sign. Actively adapted traits that were supposed to be natural tools in my arsenal. Some make sense to me, like the heart being the body part I most associate with. I wear my heart on my sleeve, to my detriment many times. I care deeply: about people, about my beliefs, about my passions. That lines up perfectly. I'm also supposed to be a "natural born leader," but I can tell you now that I run from management positions. I cooperate well with others, but leadership responsibilities make me nauseous. ...I do often think I know best, though, so I probably think I should be the one in charge, I just don't want to have that heavy mantle on my shoulders.Courage and confidence. I think I can present amazing facades of those qualities, but I'm hesitant to say I actually possess them behind the mask. ...I will say that the older I become I find more and more Leo qualities come out that I pretended to earlier in life. The courage and confidence actually begin to appear naturally where before I definitely didn't produce them.Maybe I'm just a gentle lion. A laidback ruler who has the charisma to charm and inspire, but also have the chops to actually lead when needed. Otherwise I'm laid out daydreaming and crafting worlds beyond the one I inhabit.This has all been a lead up to remind you all that in a few short days I'll be turning another year older. Another trip around the sun, my ruling "planet". Another step closer to a year where the nickname "WD40" will apply, which I have been dreading for years. Birthdays as we all age tend to scale back and back, and that's really alright......However. I am still a Leo who loves attention but normally would never ask for it. This year...I'm asking for it. Whether it's lavish gifts or simple well wishes, I want them all. I started a tradition of asking for dick pics, which of course leads one particular friend to send me yearly photos of Richard Nixon or Dick Cheney. I can't blame them. I asked for pics of dicks, so...yeah...This will be the second birthday where my bank account has tumbleweeds blowing through it, and my future remains shaky at best. It will be the first one, however, where I have this passion project framed out and begun, having hit the ground running with caffeine and a dream. I've been chasing my heart's desire for almost 40 years now, and despite the low times lately I finally feel like I'm closing in on them. That's a reason to celebrate, I think. Moving forward throughout August, I'll be exploring my favorite things on here, and I hope you'll join me as I do.I love your face, I hope you know that too. Even if it was just because of having y'all in my life, Happy Early Birthday to me.

July 31, 2023: The Whales of AugustHi. Hello. How are you?Somehow it feels like July lasted weeks and weeks longer than it normally does.Maybe that's partially due to the insane heat we're all being subjected to on a daily basis now. When you're the victim of oppressive levels of heat, and don't have $300+ bucks to shell out to your power company, you begin to languish in an altogether heinous type of hell.For me there's also been the personal trials and tribulations of helping my mom recover from her fall and broken wrist. She's doing better and better each day, to any who were wondering.Well, whatever the reason or reasons, we're saying goodbye to July and hello to August. Ahh, August... The month of my birth. The month where the gods got together and decided to create a dream come true.August is a summer month, by the way.It's been this slow but insidious campaign that's taken hold, somehow equating August with the autumn, and I am, for the most part, completely against it. I may not like the summer - especially with global warming - but I remain a summer baby and will remind everyone of that any chance I get.First of all, you breeders and beneficiaries of breeders are sending your kids back to school in fucking July. I watch you do it and I am appalled. Those children barely get any sort of summer vacation, let alone the parents. I know on some educated level that there is research and judicial science behind this inexorable creep up the calendar; I'm also aware that other countries, Japan for example, have semesters into and out of the summer months as well. That doesn't mean I have to like it, because then everyone who jumps on the back to school sales equates August with Autumn because that's what our generations always remember.It's such an insignificant thing to get riled up about, but as I've mentioned in my blog before, I can hold a mean grudge.Oddly enough, though, one of the other groups pushing this equivalency is one which I'm not willing to fight. And that's mainly because it furthers another cause of mine...Halloween fans. Spooky time lovers. The order of the macabre and sexy mouse costumes. In this rare moment, I am your friend.Every year, without fail, we will get to November 1st and the Halloween crowd with crow and whine that people are putting up their Christmas decorations a full month before December. And in some way I can't completely say they don't have a point when they emphasize the commercial entities pumping out Christmas decor and gifts and holiday-themed treats even before Halloween has occurred. That part doesn't seem right, but commercialism is gonna commercialism.However...The Halloween crowd have lately lost all credibility in that fight, since more and more we see them throwing up cobwebs and other spooky decor beginning...yes...in August. Y'all...that is a full three months before your holiday actually happens. By your own standard, that is categorically worse than me putting a wreath on my door on the first day of November.Oddly enough, however, in this instance I am glad to take a step back and let the witches and ghouls do as they wish because now I will feel no remorse about putting out my Christmas baubles as soon as their festivities end. Their cries of "it's too soon" and others have no more weight to them, like being swatted at by a fly. I wish my spooky brethren all the love in their celebrations, even if they now start them during my birth month. You've made me even stronger now, as a Christmas gay.[This debate aside, August is primarily about me and my arrival into this world. Let us not forget the true reason for the August season. ...That is all.]

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blog archives: june 2023

June 1, 2023: There Will Be FaggotryHi. Hello. How are you?The rainbow bunting is askew, I need that adjusted immediately.Where are the crop tops I requested?! I am trying to create moments here, people, I need you to work with me.I need asses out. This is not optional, those cheeks must be free and visible. We're fighting for our lives out here and I'll be damned if we don't do it while showing some skin....If you haven't noticed, Pride Month is officially upon us!Every year when June busts out all over, I do feel a swelling of satisfaction that our community comes together - however imperfectly - to celebrate being who we are with no apologies or excuses. We're constantly striving to do this every single day, but having time set aside to specifically raise some hell in some well deserved gaiety just makes it more meaningful somehow.("Gaiety." Ya get it? The girlies who know got it.)Right now, however, going into this Pride Month is definitely feeling a bit like suiting up for war. The Alphabet Mafia has constantly been shoved to the forefront of the culture wars for decades but recent forays into fascism in our country is making it feel much, much more immediate and deadly. For a group of people prone to anxiety, being one of the main scapegoats for straight, white America can leave even the strongest among us feeling done in.The hardest hit are always, always, the trans men and women, non-binary people, and gender fluid individuals of color. These are the people being bold, brazen enough to live their truth despite the clear and present danger to their well-being. Those gay men and women who walk through life melanin-deficient talk of threats to our lives but it simply pales in comparison to what trans and queer BIPOC people are subjected to on a daily basis. They are somehow these evil boogeymen waiting to corrupt the children of the nation into depravity and immorality. In reality, they're Janice who works in human resources and wants to own their own home one day; Cedar, who sketches in a private notebook and dreams of making art professionally while taking calls for below minimum wage; Austin who works at the homeless shelter they lived at when their parents kicked them out at 15 years old.Now those are some pretty angelic examples, to be honest, and not every person who tastes the rainbow is going to be a good person. Just like humanity taken as a whole, a good portion are going to be shit people. Even knowing some among us are insanely rude, nasty and mean doesn't qualify us for the levels of enmity and prejudice we receive.So, as difficult as it probably can be depending upon each person's situation, I really see no reason to hide our lights under a bushel. ...Man, no matter my current feelings on it, that religious upbringing just rears its head up whenever it wants. What I mean is we don't owe anyone made uncomfortable by our existence an inch, a centimeter of retreat. If my mere permanence in your world makes you quiver or quake with disquiet then that's on you. Bring it up with your therapist; grapple with it late at night and drink alone like the rest of us do.To the people in my life and out in the universe who genuinely act as friends and allies to me and mine: know that we see you and we appreciate you. We also are going to flirt with you even platonically, because being a good friend can be absolutely sexy. There are tons of performative acts of ally-ship that happen, especially in the commercial field, but the true moments of support are felt and mean so much.In the meantime, I'm going to continue to just be. So many of us are going to continue to simply be. There will be fan clacking. There will be parades. There will be innuendo, both subtle and incredibly not. There will be acts of PDA (public displays of affection) both appropriate and improper. Above all else, though, there will be joy. There will be celebration. And yes, oh yes, there will be pride.

June 5, 2023: Drag Me to HellHi. Hello. How are you?The homosexual powers have definitely risen in the past few days. Have you felt it? Doesn't matter what you identify as, you felt the shift. I know you did.The straight men felt a tingle they don't want to talk about and that's fine. You take time to process, honey!As for me, I've spent the first few gay days delving into Hell. I mean, after all...

It's truly amazing to me how bigots will make comments or images like this and somehow scored huge points. We take that hateful shit and make it our own every single time. There are SO many t-shirts with this being sold right now and celebrations across the country will have them out in force. We are a resilient and crafty people, the gays.Fabulous marketing for the gay agenda aside, I really did traipse through hell-touched halls this weekend. A long awaited new addition from Blizzard, Diablo IV, dropped its early access for pre-order players. (The game officially releases on Tuesday, June 6, 2023.) For those not familiar with this seminal series, Diablo follows the denizens of a world called Sanctuary which is caught in the middle of the Eternal Conflict: the forces of Heaven and Hell battle and brawl with humanity caught in between, and some extraordinary adventurers - that's you, the player - have to rise up, bitch slap some gruesome horrors and Prime Evils, and bring back some semblance of peace until the next impending catastrophe.It's been a heavy sausage-fest for the most part. The main angelic players and demonic villains have largely been male, including the title big baddie, Diablo himself. This latest installment features a new horrifying antagonist - Lilith, the Daughter of Hatred. And honey? We are living for her.There truly is something about gay men and female villains. They become mother in a heartbeat and all while out committing vile atrocities. Maleficent? Ursula? Lady Tremaine? We stan them no matter what they've done. If I had to hazard a guess, many of us fruity men tend to idolize a villainess because we're drawn to strong female forces in our lives, whether they be fictional or not. There's probably also some abandonment issues for some of us: if you were rejected from your mother for being your true self, you'd tend to latch on to a formidable female advocating for taking what you want and being unabashedly "evil".For almost every one of us in the Alphabet Mafia, we've been told from multiple sources for most of our lives that we are some kind of aberrations in God's plan. Abominations destined to swim in some fiery lake in the hereafter.So you know what happened? We took that imagery and ran with it. Most of the tales we know of Lucifer or Lilith in the Bible speak of individuals seeking their truth in the face of an oppressive majority. That's not the moral tale taught by religious institutions, obviously, but the message remains there regardless. Why would we not cling to such a message? Why would we look at a Queen of Hell like Lilith - the Biblical archetype or the video game villainess - and not immediately see an icon?At the end of the day, I'd much rather emulate a fierce bitch out of Hell than a bushy bearded octogenarian sitting on a cloud. ...It's a much more complex feeling than that leads you to believe, but that honestly states it quite clearly for me. I still have a ton of playthrough left to go in Diablo IV - which I cannot wait to experience - and I know that eventually I'll have to face off against the Mother of Sanctuary. And I'll whoop her ass, on the base tier anyway. She'll still get snaps along the way, though. Evil or not, she is Mother.

June 7, 2023: Days of Whine and WoesHi. Hello. How are you?I think Gusteau lied. Not everyone can cook....Okay, you've got that look on your face, so let me backtrack.If you're confused, Auguste Gusteau is the celebrated French chef from the 2007 Pixar film Ratatouille. He's the icon that the protagonist rat, Remy, wants to emulate. His famous phrase is: "anyone can cook." Well, I call bullshit, mon ami.Last night, I had this hankering for some alfredo pasta. I know the general gist of the ingredients, and Lord knows I watch enough cooking shows to grant me some basic knowledge of how it should be made. So I put 'em all together, get the sauce simmering. Put that magical parmesan all up in it.Did it end up being a pot of garlic goodness? Yeah, my seasonings were on point. Was it a creamy masterpiece? No. Absolutely not. The damn thing refused to thicken up despite my best efforts.And now, therefore, I'm starting a feud with a fictional animated chef. Screw him.

Just look at his smug little face. How dare you lead me into a false sense of competency, Auguste! How dare you!Well, my alfredo failure aside, I have actually found quite a passion for cooking in these past few years. I've always liked really good food since I was a kid, although my early years saw me as a much different connoisseur of cuisine...I was a picky eater. Like, a super picky eater. Recently I've attributed a good portion of that to my father, who, when it comes to my burgeoning flair for cooking, is the bane of my existence. I just thought that I was a finnicky eater as a child. My dad puts younger me to shame.You know how, when cooking meat, there's the range of rare all the way up to well done? For my dad, the meat's only done enough if it's at least 3 stages past well done. He's absolutely the man who would ask the servers to have his steak butterflied at restaurants.I'm seriously putting the man who raised me on blast for his eating habits... Umm, Dad I promise I'll make it up to you at Father's Day. Somehow...Anyway, I copied my dad's eating habits when I was younger and that, combined with my own personal preferences, made for a horror to feed, I'm sure. Thankfully as I've aged the genes I inherited from my mother's side of the family have kicked in hardcore and I want to taste all the things. I still have some hard lines in the sand - lima beans, or "butter beans", are horrible and I will hear no words to the contrary - but on the whole I'm way more adventurous in my tastes.I have love affairs with spicy cuisine, like Mexican or Thai flavors. I thrill to experimenting with seasonings and pairings. And above all, I feel this warmth inside when I'm feeding others and they make that "mmmm" sound and, like, shake their head in disbelief that they're liking the food so much. That's an addictive feeling, let me tell you! Hell, even if it's me doing the yummy sounds and head-shaking, it's amazing.I've got a few recipes I've managed to perfect so far, including this chicken and rice meal with salsa and hot sauce and green chiles and cheese... It's really good, just take my word on it. And it will blow your lid off with the heat because I really love heat in my food and I, umm, kind of have a problem backing off on it for others. Just a fair warning!So...you know what, maybe Gusteau had a point. I mean, if I can manage to make some really good food then I can also afford myself the space to fall on my face too. I'm not gonna admit that to him, though. Mainly because I started this grudge and I see those things through to the end, but also because he's a fictional character. He's not real. That would be...weird. Why you would suggest that I talk to him like he's real is beyond me, really... You should feel awkward about that.Cooking and gaslighting. I'm doing alright at both of them, I think.

June 9, 2023: Ding Dong!Hi. Hello. How are you?This just in: thousands of colorful homosexuals are flooding the streets and dancing with gay abandon, reminiscent of the "A Brand New Day" scene from "The Wiz." A national holiday has been announced out of San Francisco. The elders have declared a feast of thanksgiving.As of June 8, 2023, Pat Robertson is deceased and no longer among us.And there was much rejoicing.For anyone unfamiliar with that name, Robertson was the cryptkeeper-like geriatric whose face was almost always on display if you found yourself accidentally on The 700 Club, the TV channel where televangelists congregate and conjure up conspiracy theory boogeymen in between asking for donations to save your eternal soul.That man, a one time candidate for the Republican presidential nomination back in 1988, was the face of the Religious Right in America for years and undoubtedly one of the founding fathers of the current wave of bigotry and ignorance the rest of us are trying to survive. Many, many of us are not just glad he's passed on; we are out-and-out celebrating."But shouldn't we not speak ill of the dead? They're not here to defend themselves, it's not right!"Bullshit.If I don't like someone for mundane or petty reasons (in the grand scheme of things, of course), I don't think I could find cause to throw a party over their freshly dug grave. Even the people I can't currently stand I wish well, if you can believe it. I may not like them but, at the same time, I don't wish ill upon them.Pat Robertson is in another, very special and unique category.This was the man who said that gay people in America caused the events of September 11, 2001. He said that gay people caused the devastation of New Orleans and the surrounding areas following Hurricane Katrina. He - on national television in the year of our Lord 2013 - said that gay men were wearing rings with spikes or small needles on them, so that they could more easily spread AIDS to the rest of the populace.Robertson was a detestable facsimile of a human being, for those and many other unfounded, blatant lies. Lies which fueled a segment of humanity (one that is larger than we like to think about) in their irrational, dangerous fear and hatred of "the other", which in this case were homosexuals and soon trans people as well. He helped to promulgate conspiracy theories that present MAGA lawmakers at local, state, and national levels use and weaponize to gain power and threaten anyone who doesn't agree with them.I personally don't know if I believe in some fiery hell in the afterlife, but I hope Pat Robertson rots in it. And countless others feel similarly. It's not an unreasonable hatred, it's well-earned. Other comparable members of that exclusive club would include Hitler, as well as Reagan. (For his appalling and lethal refusal to address the AIDS epidemic at it's height alone, Reagan earned a seat in this fraternity.)However there are plenty of people, both without and within the Rainbow Connection, who look at such displays of celebration at the death of a monstrous individual and call foul. It's a lack of decorum, or a lack of respect for the recently deceased.For me and me alone - I don't want to speak for anyone else - respect is something that is earned by the living. If you weren't deserving of my deference in life, the simple act of your death won't somehow magically confer it upon you. Death is just part of the cycle. We hold reverence for the spirit, the soul of the person, not their passing. And if they weren't worthy of that reverence, of the simply act of kindness and respect, then do what you want with their tombstone. Dance on it, spit on it.So with major apologies to any who currently practice the magical arts: ding dong, the witch is dead!

June 13, 2023: The Neverending Side QuestHi. Hello. How are you?Alright, are we all accounted for now? Everyone's settled in? Okay well let's get this meeting started.Ahem... Hi, I'm Will, and I'm a side quest addict.[ Hi, Will. ]For some much needed context, I'm currently playing my way through the recently released Diablo IV and despite having been solely playing the title for the past week I have yet to complete the main campaign, or the main story. In fact, up until yesterday, I was still basically on Act II out of six chapters and an epilogue.Why was I trudging along even after so many hours of gameplay, you ask? Well first of all, I think the tone of your question is very rude. Eww. If you must know, this latest installment of the Diablo franchise makes the world of Sanctuary much more open and free range than previous games, and with that comes...Side quests.Those tempting blue exclamation marks pop up as you explore the map, and I just can't help myself, okay?! I have to - have to - go investigate. I feel compelled to help out my fellow pitiful souls who are just trying to eke out an existence while all Hell breaks loose around us. ...Literally, in this case.It's not even about the rewards you get upon completion, although I'm never going to turn those down. This really is as simple as: "ooh, shiny!" It's a distraction that pays you for your time.Just to note, this isn't a recent development or some novel occurrence within Diablo only. Most any game which includes side content will have me happily trotting off on little tangents to solve a bit of local crime or deliver someone's delicate package. And those are the rosy ones: some quests can just be you being sent off to gather, well, shit. That kind can really be quite offal............Maybe I should just end this here. That should've been way funnier than it is.Anyway, I'm dwelling on this side quest addiction lately and I got to wondering if it's something that bleeds over into my every day life. People and items in real life don't have tantalizing azure punctuation floating above them, but the temptation to distraction and procrastination is still very real.I'll always be the first to admit that I will put things off if I can. Often times it's a conscious thing that comes from fear, but I think sometimes it's an unconscious act as well. An involuntary attraction away from priorities simply because it's there. The side quest begins and two hours or so later I realize that I haven't done those to-do items for the day, or I've forgotten those clothes in the washer. I won't go into detail about how often that last example happens...Keeping myself on track is a chore in itself, but I feel better when I do. I'm not the most organized person and yet I feel miles better when I'm able to maintain structure. Maybe...maybe the lesson here is that if I can rein myself in within my gameplay - focusing on the main story while balancing some jaunts off on side content - I can do the same in my real life as well. Not to mention the side quests in game always come with an element of experience and growth, so why can't the tangents in my actual life do the same? Procrastination can be beneficial!Look at me! Growth can still happen, people. It's real. We can do it! Ugh... Well I feel like a weight's been lifted, how about you? Alright let's take a break, we've done good work here today. Coffee and donuts are available like always. Take some home, now, 'cause I can't have it in the house...

June 14, 2023: Baby, The Rain Must FallHi. Hello. How are you?You know, I'm a Leo. A fire sign. And yet nothing - and I really mean that, nothing - soothes me more than the sight, smell, and sound of rain. Therefore rainy days, like today, just put me in this calm vibe that suffuses my whole body....This is starting out rather random and metaphysical-sounding, isn't it? Well, come with me on the journey anyway.I have this memory, like core memory, of being sat on the back porch of our family's farm house with my Granny. Oh man, do I miss that woman...aside from my parents, I think she was the main one who raised me. I often hope that I make her proud.Anyway, the back porch had this corrugated overhang roof to it, in this kind of teal color that didn't go with anything but was practical. We were sat on the bench while it stormed outside. I was definitely young, maybe somewhere in elementary school? Whatever age I was, I was still scared of thunderstorms: the light and the noise. This day, Granny took me out while the rain poured down all around us, and the lightning flashed in the afternoon sky and thunder rumbled across the nearby fields.I remember the sound the rain made on that porch roofing. I remember being scared but Granny wasn't one bit frightened. Honestly, I can't recall much rattling her. I think that was a testament to her faith. She was a firm believer that the Lord had her squarely in His palm and would take care of her and hers.Granny wasn't scared of the rain, or the way the wind blustered. I was safe there with her. Ever since, I don't think I've ever been scared of thunderstorms. I don't have that amazing woman's faith - apologies to my mom, who I know worries over that - but I do know without a doubt that my resilience in the face of the storm is due to Granny.I think...I think my storms always happen inside. Actual rain and thunder comforts me, makes me feel grounded; inside, I am a whirlwind of insecurities and worries. Maybe someday I'll come to some kind of steadfast faith like my Granny used to prop herself up when she needed support. It won't look like hers, or even my mom's, but it would definitely be nice to have one.......Something about that sound, when the rain is steadily beating against the roof. Just so soothing. Makes the worries just kind of wash away, at least for the moment.

June 16, 2023: A Fantastic Fear of EverythingHi. Hello. How are you?We're, like, halfway through Pride month already. Man, time really does have no meaning anymore. I feel like it's been forever since I felt that sensation where you think time just isn't moving fast enough. For days, months, even years now it just feels like the train is slowly picking up speed and I'm missing my stop over and over because we're simply going too fast.There's a lot of FOMO that courses through me on a regular basis. ...That's "fear of missing out" if there are any boomers reading this and find themselves lost at that acronym.[ waves at my mom ]I tend to keep that sensation tamped down pretty well, but to be honest I've been in the midst of tremendous amounts of fear for quite awhile now. It's not an easy thing to admit that you process most everything through a lens of apprehension. So many people around me, from family members to the chosen denizens of my tribe of friends, appear to travel through life with little to no fear of what lies ahead. Maybe that's out of copious amounts of planning and preparation; a plethora of bravado and earned/unearned senses of imperviousness. They just seem to swat away obstacles with a composure utterly foreign to me.Well, that's not entirely true. I maintain a veneer of equilibrium that is a total façade, I guarantee you. I just assume those in my inner circle don't have this turbulent interior like I do.So many times during the past decade and more I've taken stock of my life and wondered exactly where I allowed myself to jump the tracks I had so carefully laid in my mind during my formative years. That internal monologue of "I was meant to be something." Maybe everyone has that voice somewhere within their mind and mine just happens to have a megaphone.I do fear that I've missed out on so many things, so many experiences. I don't...I don't think that I regret the ones I have accumulated thus far. If I did, that would somehow mean that I don't love the people that they've drawn into my orbit and me into theirs. And I love them hard. So no, I don't regret the wonky path I've taken, but that doesn't mean I ignore passing reflections my mind throws my way of what could have been, what might have unfolded had I been stronger, been braver.For the record, maybe this deep dive into my fears was brought on by this week's rainy weather. As much as I love that (as discussed in a previous post) it does tend to lead me down thoughtful hallways, full of doors that make me question my worth both past, current, and future.There's a lot to be said for having a regard for who you used to be while acknowledging who you are now and accepting the differences between the two. It's fucking hard to do so, though. You look at your former optimism as naiveite which inevitably makes you then look in the mirror and call yourself jaded.That's so unkind to do to yourself when you think about it. It's natural to feel some kind of way about the loss of innocence. It's okay to wonder where the time went, and let the "what ifs" play themselves out in front of you. Dwelling on it isn't the most healthy option but doses of it can be cathartic. You know that feeling after a good cry? Like pressure has been released and you can actually breathe? That's catharsis. That's processing that fear and, yes, the occasional regrets, and letting it build you in positive ways.I want to break free from this cycle of fear-based living. I've spoken before about it being difficult as hell, but I do know it will be worth it. If you're struggling in anything close to the same vein, I hope you take my advice over my example. Do as I say, not as I do. I'll try and do the same. Promise.

June 19, 2023: Daddy? Sorry...Daddy? Sorry...Hi. Hello. How are you?Let's do a quick check in: we hanging in there? We've been balancing a lot lately and I want to make sure we're all good.Just look at this double-duty holiday weekend! I've been grinding away in
Diablo IV trying my best to be the best nightmare Hell's ever seen; dipping my toes back into the cozy, laggy vibes of Disney's Dreamlight Valley and seeing nothing but pumpkins dancing in my head because pumpkins are money (just trust me on that); plus it's Juneteenth today, and my fellow marshmallow-flavored citizens have the day off from work and yet still don't see what all the fuss is about. As one of their number, white people really can be the absolute worst.Oh. I almost left out one of the biggest holidays in the Rainbow Connection calendar. The day we bring out our daddy issues and worship father figures and their...well, father figures. (Dad bod is so passé; father figure is the future.)You probably guessed it: Father's Day.

If you're at all tuned into the homosexual social media spheres of influence, you're probably aware that we have a complex relationship with this holiday. Mainly we produce tons of cringe-worthy posts aimed toward guys we find attractive while labeling them daddy or zaddy or maybe even newer forms that I, as an elder millennial, am completely uneducated in. We comment on how bad we get with it, but continue to do it. ...I'm not speaking as a paragon of purity here. I totally do it as well because I legitimately like calling men I find sexy "daddy" and I just don't have the energy to apologize for it.Behind all the sexualized salt-and-pepper fantasies, I personally have an awkward relationship with Father's Day. That's because...well, it's because I have an awkward relationship with my father, my dad.(This is just a heads up to my mom, who tries her best to keep up on my posts: Mom, I'm gonna express some feelings here you're not going to like, but we don't have to discuss it. I'm good, I swear.)So: Billy Dozier. William D. Dozier. That's my dad.You might notice there's an eerie similarity there between us: he's William D. and I'm William S. That middle initial is the only thing that differentiates us for the government, doctor's offices, etc. For the longest time I thought I was named after him in some "junior and yet not junior" type way. Turns out his grandfather was named William and that's who I'm actually named after. Seems funny in a way, since neither me or my dad like being government named by friends and family: he's always been Billy and I've always been Will.Names and titles aside, if you're looking for an archetype for Dad think of those Southern good ole boys who all know each other and each other's families; they crack jokes with each other that make them kind of dry chuckle; and they don't really speak that much unless spoken to first. That last part is at least true for my dad, and it's where I get a huge chunk of my introvert nature.His father was a farmer before him and he's been a farmer for most all of his life now too. Works with these aged tractors and tools that, if he'd fix them up properly and shine them up probably would fetch a pretty penny on certain antique circuits. Instead he patches them up the best he can by himself and plows, plants, and harvests year in and year out.Me and Dad... I don't know how to really describe us. Aside from our dislike of people in general and a shared sense of humor at times, we are miles apart in almost every other way. I was never going to be a successor to his agrarian legacy: I might be a plant gay in spirit but being out in nature is something that's almost antithetical to me. Dad loves to know how things break apart and fit back together; there's a mythical tale from my childhood where a bike of mine got run over as a friend's dad was pulling out of their driveway for work, and Dad managed to fix it good as new, even the plastic parts that adorned it. (That friend's father swears to this day there's no way Dad managed it; he went out and bought me a new one identical to the old one, he says.) Then you have me, who is somewhat technologically knowledgeable but I know nothing about the mechanics of cars or lawnmowers or do-it-yourself projects. I'd much prefer to call a professional; Dad thinks he knows better, and admittedly he's right most of the time.We're just different and we don't connect much. That lack of a thread between us is only exasperated, to me anyway, by the fact that I happen to be gay. I...I don't think there's any way my dad expected to be a father to a gay child. That's not something that probably ever crossed his mind, and he couldn't have prepared for such an eventuality. He had had some practice being a stepdad to my older brother, but my sibling is straight: has an awesome wife now and some freakin' cute kids too. The only children I'm likely to have will be of the floral or furry kind.When I was in high school and grappling with my sexuality and eventually coming out of the closet, I also wrestled with how it would affect me and Dad. I somehow knew that, whatever we might go through in the interval, me and Mom would come out stronger because I have always just been closer to her. With Dad there was this...there is this overwhelming sensation that I've let him down. That I've disappointed him. My mom would say and has actually said that this would never, ever be the case, and if anyone would know it's her. At the same time, she's going to say such things, you know?So for the majority of my time on this earth, its as if me and my dad have been gingerly tiptoeing around each other at every instance. Caring about each other a great deal - 'cause let's not get it twisted, I know my father loves me despite all my anxiety and inner dialogues, and I love him a lot - while rarely expressing that out loud, maybe because we don't have a grasp on how that is supposed to work between us.It makes me sad when I look at other men in my life, gay or otherwise, and see what I consider to be much healthier father-son relationships. Hell, my own brother happened to have a less than stellar father but somehow has a great relationship with Dad. And I just don't have that. I...I find myself saddened by it, but at this point in my life I think I - we - have accepted the bent and bowed shape of our love for each other. I know, and it's been shown in so many ways these past few months and years, that he'd do anything he can for me, and I will do the same for him where and when I can. For better or for worse, he's my dad and I don't think I'd want anyone else to have filled that role in my existence. Who knows who I might have been had this not been the case?This is kind of ending on a low note, but I'm sitting here contemplating this difficult and touchy question for the umpteenth time and there really is no warm and fuzzy answer to make me or you feel better about it. It's an odd thing, I guess, to note how sad our dysfunction can make me and yet be very proud of the man who shaped me; taking pride in our love even knowing it's nowhere near perfect. I don't know if I'd call the sum of those parts bittersweet, exactly, but that's the taste it leaves me with and it's not unpleasant.I don't think that he reads my work, at least not that I'm aware of, but in the instance that he does:Dad, I love you to the moon and back. I'm sorry if I'm an imperfect son for any number of reasons. I don't know if you know this, but I try to make you proud every day, whether I fail or succeed in the attempt. I'll keep doing that too. I apologize for any dashed dreams of me you might have had, if you have any at all. You're the best dad anyone could ask for, and I'm glad that you're mine......Oh, and don't, umm, read to much into the whole "yes, daddy" thing. That's not about you. Most definitely not about you. That's very different. It's...you know, just never mind. It's all good.

June 21, 2023: Too Bad She's BadHi. Hello. How are you?You feel that? That special kind of energy in the air? Don't lie, I know you do.It's Midsummer, the summer solstice! The halfway point of the year, light behind us and darkness in front of us. We're perfectly balanced, and you can use that sparkling humming in the air to make good moves.Did I ever mention that I definitely have some witchy leanings? Ooga booga, my evangelical brethren!You can make use of the bounty of positive energy however you wish; as for me, I'm going to take it and form some much needed love for a video game that holds a large place in my heart. It needs it for a number of reasons, so get your nerd hats firmly in place and let's take a deep dive into the cool waters of Final Fantasy XIV, and its third expansion, Stormblood.

Let's see if I can do a succinct summary to get you up to speed.Final Fantasy XIV is the MMO juggernaut child of the Final Fantasy game series, where each new installment tends to introduce complete new worlds of fantasy and science fiction in dire need of salvation that only you, the player, can deliver. In fact, the newest and shiniest chapter in this venerable series of titles, Final Fantasy XVI, officially drops tomorrow, with a majority of the developer team from FFXIV helming the creation of the game.In the world of Eorzea, the land where we the players adventure and travel in FFXIV, you can team up with other gamers to take on the various creatures and nefarious villains who threaten the denizens of the star (also known variably as Hydaelyn, or Etheirys, respectively). So far, the game has seen five expansions build upon a dynamic story that's spanned nations, other worlds, and even the depths of space. A Realm Reborn, Heavensward, Shadowbringers, and Endwalker have all blown away long time players and fans with the characters and storytelling woven around them, but Stormblood, which fits directly in the middle of those four fellow expansions, has had a complicated reception and reputation almost since it's debut in 2017.Full disclosure here: I came to the world of FFXIV during the hey day of Stormblood, when its content was considered current. I had first given the game a try back during the expansion prior, Heavensward, but it didn't gain much purchase with me then. I couldn't find a connection with it. Fast forward a few years, and a burgeoning friendship which had begun in another MMO (DC Universe Online, if you're wondering) lead me to return to give Eorzea and its story another chance. I really do credit that friend, who is now a close gaming peer and confidante, with making me fall in love with the title and its gameplay.Back to Stormblood and it's constant state of controversy. Well, maybe that's not the perfect word for it, but if you ever find yourself in gaming circles where the expansion gets raised in conversation, the discourse might lead you to think that "controversy" is entirely appropriate.Storywise, Stormblood basically serves the same function that The Two Towers does within the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It's a dynamic and engaging tale all on its own but it very clearly is meant as a continuation device: longstanding characters have their motivations altered or solidified which impacts future events, and new characters who will also be affecting the overall story arc are introduced, fleshed out and made to be imperative to the player.These kind of "in between" or "filler" tales can get a very bad reputation, and Stormblood is not immune from that. Although fans will praise certain elements and character portrayals that it introduced and explored, most will deride the ending phases of the expansion as having been rushed, thereby ruining the impact it could have had. If you're looking for a similar circumstance that rings familiar for you, remember that last season of Game of Thrones which tons and tons of fans threw hissy fits over.......I may have my own feelings on that particular subject and the outrage around it, but I'll save my diatribe on it for another time.I don't know if I completely agree with the accusations of rushed finales where Stormblood is concerned. I mean, this expansion delivered what would become one of the most complicated and essential antagonists to the game, as well giving context to and "skin in the game" when it came to a longstanding hostile nation and its relationship with the rest of the world. We were given windows to and access to cultures, peoples, and stories that were devastating and hugely impactful. If there's one thing FFXIV will do, it's punch you right in the feelings and wait for you to come back for more.From what I've seen, one of the examples detractors will use for their arguments on rushed endings is one particular character that I happen to think has one of the best - and most tragic - stories in the entire game so far. And they just so happen to be one of the villains.

Artwork by @YuxingArt (Twitter)

Yotsuyu goe Brutus. Acting imperial viceroy of Doma, the far eastern nation which had firmly been under the heel of conquering Garlemald up until the events of Stormblood, when the fires of revolution began to blaze and the players' character was drawn into the conflict.She serves as the secondary, or tertiary, villain of the main meat of the expansion. Although she is a native Doman herself, a terrible history of abuse and neglect at the hands of her fellow countrymen, including her own parents and brother among others, lead her to willingly integrate with the hated invaders, rising so far as to take control of the reins of the imperial forces subjugating her own people. The citizens of Doma fear her sadistic tactics and temperament, and rightly so: Yotsuyu has been shaped into a cruel, terrible mistress by the harsh hands of fate.During the course of the story, Yotsuyu is overthrown by the players and the unified characters coming to the salvation of Doma, and at one point it appears she perishes as an unrepentant wretch.But wait! There's a twist!During the adventures that happen after the main tale concludes - which occur in the latter half of every expansion in this game, and serve as links between the current content and new experiences to come next - Yotsuyu reappears in the story with a major case of amnesia. She is given a new moniker of "Tsuyu" by a sympathetic character who also emerges from supposed death, hopeful that this formerly lost soul might be able to be saved, be redeemed.This is a point where a lot of players find their main gripe with Stormblood, because like the encouraging character in the game, they think Yotsuyu can be "fixed". There's some derived pleasure in seeing a recalcitrant villain shedding their malevolence and being reborn as a hero. It's honestly a classic trope that you can see a lot in other games, movies, literature, etc. It's popular for a reason, because we all like to think no one is beyond redemption.For me, however, that stylistic device can be overused and thereby lose its impact. Sometimes it's far more interesting to have a villain just be a villain."Tsuyu" doesn't last very long as the story progresses. Her abusive brother, Asahi, who also has become a devotee of the Garlean Empire, enters the story as an ambassador to the recently liberated Doma. He uses the opportunity of discovering his presumed deceased sister to threaten the stability of the freshly free nation, as well as heap even more venom and maltreatment on Yotsuyu herself.Asahi exploits his sister's lost and confused memories, even presenting their parents to her in her fragile state which, under the weight of their crushing beratements and glaring lack of care, forms cracks which eventually allow "Tsuyu" to break and return Yotsuyu to herself. The main crux of this slide back into depravity and cruelty for her comes from her inability to see herself as worthy of redemption. She had done far too much evil thus far in her life, and still has little to no regrets about those actions. Failing even to take her life and rid the world of her malevolence, she resigns herself to remaining a villain.Fueled once again by Asahi's devious scheming, Yotsuyu calls upon divine powers combined with her own unrelenting rage, and transforms herself into a primal - beings forged of faith or strong emotions that can be wildly unpredictable and dangerous to all inhabitants of the world. As the newly ascended Tsukuyomi, goddess of the night, she aims to blanket all of the world in darkness and reign, cold and alone, over the corpses of her abusers in the night sky. Our character, the "hero of Eorzea" or "warrior of Light", has to battle this powerful form and eventually defeats her.Even as she lays finally dying, her brother heaps insult on injury: shooting her in the back as she stumbles in pain and exhaustion and even kicking her prone body as she lies on the ground. Yotsuyu's last act is to use the last of her divinity to kill Asahi for his crimes on her, much to her and our satisfaction. (Seriously, Asahi may be one of the most hated characters in the game.)Now with all that long-winded summary done (obviously "succinct" isn't a forte for me...), it falls to me to be one of the lone voices who thinks this trajectory and ending for Yotsuyu was absolutely wonderful storytelling and necessary for both our character's growth and our own. Like I already mentioned, sometimes redeeming a bad guy just makes them fall flat, whereas the trauma they have to endure, and the inevitable devastating ending they come to, mean all the more and leave the reader or player more satisfied. People can say that this was an example of the writers and the developers rushing the plot in order to satisfy other threads and future content. I vehemently disagree.If Yotsuyu had gotten a salvation arc that saw her morph into an ally of good and Light, that device potentially could have had merit. I don't deny that. I just happen to think, contrary to tons of fan boys (and girls) who wanted to "fix" her, that this was the ending for Yotsuyu that had to occur. We've had quite a number of "villain-to-antihero" moments within the Hydaelyn/Zodiark story arc that concluded with Endwalker; those moments, those beats, were far more impactful than I believe Yotsuyu's possible redemption could have offered. She needed to be "unfixable" to the very end, and leave the tale just as she did.There are numerous other objections with Stormblood that players have raised and will continue to harp on whenever given an opportunity. For this gaymer, however, I tend to look back at the middle child of the FFXIV expansions and recall how moving the story was; how engaging and beautiful the content - dungeons, raids, etc. - turned out to be. I have wonderful memories of adventures with friends during the height of those days, and maybe if only for that reason I refuse to look down on Stormblood and all it had to offer for us. I don't want to bemoan Yotsuyu's fate, I want to honor it.So now as we celebrate a 6th anniversary or birthday of Stormblood, I hope for at least a few days all the detractors and haters take a seat and let it receive all the love that it deserves. ...Knowing the gaming community, that's a really tall order, but a homosexual can dream.

June 23, 2023: Give Up the FunkHi. Hello. How are you?Fair warning: I am in a funk. I submitted all the official paperwork for it yesterday, and the approval came down this morning. So the funk is real, people.I'm not talking about a deep depression or crippling anxiety, anything like that. At least not today. The meds should be helping to keep such things at bay. Nah, this is much more mundane and, to be honest, a little silly when I think about it. It has some definite "first world problems" vibes to it, but despite that cringe element I'm going to talk about it with you anyway.So as should be glaringly evident by the way I style myself here, I am a huge gamer - or "gaymer," which is just more fun to be, I think. Added homosexual flair from the regular formula, if you will. The Gay Agenda at work. I've been addicted to video games on various platforms since I was a little kid aiming that plastic gun controller at that annoying fucking dog in Duck Hunt on the NES (Nintendo Entertainment System) as he chortled every time I missed the targets. ...I just dated myself in a humongous way but I don't give a damn, those were awesome days of blowing on the underside of the cartridges believing that that would make the games work correctly.Video games just make me happy, to be very plain about it. It's so fun to lose yourself in the gameplay and the stories and, yes, the competitiveness of edging your friends out of first place on the last lap in Mario Kart. ...I have this glorious memory of my nephew experiencing that series for the first time when he got his Nintendo Switch. By "experiencing that series" I mean getting his ass handed to him by his beloved uncle who took no pity on the child during the races. I'm here to win, not to pull my punches.In the same vein, I laugh everytime I remember playing the original Mario Kart back in "the day" with one of my best friends from childhood. She physically could not play the game without holding the SNES (Super Nintendo Entertainment System) controller with elbows pointed out and turning her entire arms and entire body as if she was actually piloting a go cart. It's just this hilarious image in my mind that makes me so happy to think about.The same thing happens when I go even further back in my memory. When my brother - and yes, I have an older brother and am not, in fact, an only child - was still living at home before heading off to college, I was around 6 or 7 I think and always wanted to be one of the big boys. He would get mom to let him rent a Sega console from the local video rental store (RIP to that sort of institution) and he and his friends would play and snack in front of the TV. Nothing made me feel as wonderful as the moments when he would let me play with them, getting to choose a character on Golden Axe and wallop on the enemies with him as I got to chow down on some Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch straight out of the box. I lived the high life in those moments.I take you on that trip down memory lane just to reinforce the fact that video games play a huge part of the serotonin in my life. Even if that hobby may seem miniscule or immature to others, which is absolutely their opinion to hold, it's a big thing for me.That brings us to today's aforementioned funk, dear brothers and sisters. And it comes from a major sense of FOMO.The latest Sony console - the PlayStation5 - dropped at least 2-3 years ago now, and I still do not own one. At the time it was first debuting in stores, when I was gainfully employed, I held off on locating and purchasing one out of some notion that I wanted to see the company get the bugs and kinks out of the brand new system before I committed to it. Not an irrational idea, to be honest, but hindsight has me kicking myself in the ass.Here and now, when the consoles are more and more readily available but I have no current income, I have to endure the major regret and resentment of watching one of the most anticipated gaming titles of the year - Final Fantasy XVI - be experienced and enjoyed by the majority of my close cadre of gaming friends. And y'all.......it hurts.It's such a stupid thing to throw myself a pity party over but I can't and won't deny that I feel horrible watching or hearing my fellows playing this newest installment in one of my favorite franchises. Added insult is that currently it's a PS5 exclusive, meaning even if I had some extra funds somewhere I still couldn't play it since I only have the soon to be obsolete PlayStation4. She's been a good companion but the winds of change are what they are, and soon Sony will stop making titles accessible by both generations and only focus on the PS5.For now I just want to sulk; face plant on my bed and cry into my quilt for awhile. I have awesome friends who have repeatedly said they want to try and help me get both the latest console and this newest Final Fantasy game, and that's such a sweet and selfless thing for them to promise. I don't know that I could accept such generosity even if it did come to pass, though.I feel hesitant to take such a gift because I go to this place of cause and effect: I made this bed myself, and I have to lie in it. It speaks to my fears of what I've done in upending the financial stability in my life with my current situation, which is a dread I keep chained up most of the time but cannot always maintain. On top of that, I feel like such a heel when I give in to the resentment because I genuinely love to see my friends thrive, succeed, and have fun. Why should I darken their experience with my rain cloud?[ le sigh ]So yeah, consider yourselves duly informed and warned of this funk. Like I said, it's official and everything. I didn't define a time period for it when I was filing the appropriate documents, so it could be momentary or it could linger for a bit. Hopefully for all of us it's the former and not the latter.I will say this, though: I'm thankful that I have this new passion and drive for this space that I've begun creating here. On top of being a bright light which I want to mold into a profitable enterprise, it's also an amazing distraction from the moments of gloom that can crop up. And if you take any enjoyment out of any of it, it means all the more. So....thank you. The funk will still continue as scheduled, but thank you for making it far more bearable.

June 26, 2023: The Lazy Gays of SummerHi. Hello. How are you?As we prepare to leave beloved Pride Month behind and transition into Wrath and the other deadly sins, I want to do a check in with everybody and make sure we're fully prepared.First and probably most importantly: do you have your exit buddy?This is vital when leaving a time of joy and celebration and heading into the fray of existing in a hostile world. Your exit buddy is your lifeline when the chips are down (when are they not down, really) and your spirits are sagging. They are your sole confidante when the Karens and Kyles are too much to bear, and you desperately need to give that "can you believe this heteronormative bullshit" side-eye to someone who will understand. They are your best Judy, and you should make sure that your exit buddy is well taken care of and ready for action.Second: are you hydrated?No, really. Have you been drinking your water?I'm in no way a champion consumer myself but I try my best, and it's not just the summer heat that's going to be testing your hydration levels. When faced with persecution and obstinate ignorance, patience and sanity can run low. That's a near constant state now, even during sacred Pride, but you need to stay thirsty in order to survive the slings and arrows that bigotry can aim your way.That leads me to numero three, which is more of a rule to live by than an inquiry: nudes between friends can save lives.Thirst is a universal thing, no matter where you fall on the Kinsey scale, the autism spectrum, or the debate over J.K. Rowling. (The right side of that debate is she's trash, just so we're crystal clear.)Thus, quenching both physical thirst and that special itch is essential to survival in these dark times. Sending some clothing optional inspiration - with consent - can be a way of showing your support for your chosen family of friends who may be going through it. It's the little things that can have a big impact. ...That's not a read. No, really it's not. I haven't even seen it, how can I make a joke about it if I haven't laid eyes on it. Come on, now.All joking aside, we are about to end the time period of the year where corporations, institutions, and individuals outside of the Rainbow Connection loudly voice their support for us. In most instances, that means a return to silence and the occasional rainbow-colored post calling out overt bigotry from a politician or other public figure. And that feeling can be daunting for us who have to live under constant attack everyday.That right there is a reminder for, well, all of us that there are so many out there right now being persecuted by a small but vocal and powerful minority on the daily. We - or maybe just me - are beyond the point of educating bigots about their ignorance and hatred. We are beyond pleading with our elected officials to do something about the reckless endangerment of our lives because political points need to be scored. We're tired and angry. Thus, the move into Wrath.In the midst of all that, and possibly in spite of the heated feelings I hold, I still advocate for the giving of grace to those who deserve it. And most everyone does, with some definite exceptions.For my fellow members of the Alphabet Mafia: I hope we've had some memorable times celebrating our loves and our existence and our community. We're obviously going to keep doing that as we do each year, just with much quieter support from our "allies."Remember that we, too, need to be allies for others that are facing similar struggles. We're all not monolithic blocks, but we can all try to stand together.And to my hetero, boring friends and family (sorry, but you are the boring ones): thanks for being extra loud this month and so far this year. I definitely have seen you, and it has meant a lot to me.Alright, I think we're about done. Exit buddies secured, water bottles at the ready, nudes ready to hit send: that's pretty much it! Take care of yourselves out there, alright? I love you more than I love my luggage.

June 28, 2023: Mama, You've Been On My MindHi. Hello. How are you?...It's the middle of the week and I feel like this Hump Day is the straw that broke my camel's back. If that makes any sense. Let's see if I can explain.I normally work at a desk in my room: seclude myself with some gentle TV background noise or music, or even sometimes silence so I can read aloud to myself. Today is much different, as I'm set up on the couch in the den. There is some gentle TV background noise going on, but the main difference aside from location is I have a partner. Currently slipping in and out of sleep, but they're here regardless.It's my mom. (Yes, Mama, this is gonna be about your ongoing trials and tribulations stemming from yesterday.) She's an avid reader of my blog since I started this journey, because she's an amazing mom in all the ways, but it will probably be a hot minute until she's steadily scanning through my latest works.As a little background as I start, I am a mama's boy. Both me and my brother are cemented in that vein. She's such a strong woman and individual that any signs of weakness or injury make me incredibly scared, which sucks because I feel I then become useless when I should be helping... Eh, I'm getting ahead of myself.Mom has been less and less steady on her feet these past few years, and yesterday as I was doing some dishes in the kitchen, she stood up from a chair not all that far away from me. All I heard was an uncharacteristic and ominous sounding "whoo!," and I turned to watch her take a rough stumble and tumble to the floor.My heart dropped through my stomach and out my backside. This isn't her first fall, and anytime it happens - whether I'm there when it actually occurs or not - my breath kind of catches.After quite a long and tiring day at a super, super busy ER yesterday, we ended the Day of the Fall with her wrist in a temporary cast (due to a fracture right at her wrist) and her basically unable to do much of anything for herself.See, among the myriad issues my mom has dealt with for years, one of them are these tremors in her hand (and even in her jaw). Her left hand, which is not the recently injured digit, shakes way worse than her right, so she can't stabilize much of anything with it, and due to that it has little strength either. Now my dad and I are helping her with...lots of things that I can tell she's annoyed by, or resentful about, and I can't help but mirror that irritation a bit while keeping how scared I am buried as best I can.This is the woman who raised me, along with my dad and my grandparents. This is the woman who spent years raising my brother all by herself. This is a woman who took herself out of a situation during a time when that was super scary and looked down on quite a lot. Me and my brother have talked about how much we look up to her and strive to emulate even an iota of her perseverance and resilience.So to see her visibly in so much pain is distressing, anxiety-inducing. She has stoically borne a lot of pain and exhaustion for many years, therefore when we see her actually wince and grimace we just know it's very, very bad.And I hate to see it. ...And I don't know how to handle it, or what I'm supposed to do.Oh man, she's eventually going to read this and cry and tell me I made her cry. I'm sorry in advance, Mom!She's sound asleep right now, and I'm just kind of watching her twitch in her sleep over there. Tomorrow she'll go in and let doctors operate on her wrist, in order to make sure it heals properly and doesn't hinder the motor skills on her good hand.All I can think, both right now and all the time, is I want her to have no more pain or exhaustion. She has so much to enjoy and create, and I can't do much financially to facilitate that now but I would do anything I can if I could. Even if I roll my eyes at certain requests (which I have done since my teenage years, much to mom's annoyance and blood pressure) I'll always do it for her.While she and we wait for her recuperation and healing, it feels like everything's been tossed up and is still in freefall while we figure out how this new normal will work for a couple of days, weeks... This isn't a plea for help, just more of a giving of my troubles to the universe, and giving of grace to myself and my mother as I try to give to everybody else in times of turbulence. If you need any of it, I have it in short supply just at the moment but you can have as much as you need.After all, we're now halfway to a holiday weekend. We can do it.

June 30, 2023: The Gays of WrathHi. Hello. How are you?Whew, child... I didn't know if I was looking forward to it being Friday when the day started, but now that we're slowly sliding into the late afternoon I'm very happy to be here at the end of a tumultuous week.To update any of you who may have seen my previous post: my Mom took a spill on Tuesday and broke her wrist ("distal radial break", so technically her arm if we want to be some kinda way about it). Yesterday, she went in and had a plate and some screws put in so that she'll heal in a way more likely to save her motor control with what is her dominant and strongest hand.Surgery went swimmingly, so to any who lifted up some thoughts, prayers, or vibes thank you. My brother and his family arrive for the weekend today, and we'll all annoy my mother with doing things for her and letting the grandkids love on her (gently, of course).But now, ladies and gentlemen, let's get to the reason why I've gathered you all here today:Pride-to-Wrath Month Transition.I've already kind of ruminated on how Pride Month 2023 has gone previously, but with the Supreme Court's fuckery yesterday and today it seemed important to me to hammer home how vital it is that we wrap ourselves in protective energy and intention as we leave the month of prominent rainbows.If you are unaware, The Supremes (as I like to call them, which I believe I picked up from The West Wing) have been handing down some radical bullshit this week, and they ended the outpouring of ignorance with two rulings today.There is the atrocious declaration that the Biden administration's student loan forgiveness plan is somehow unconstitutional, which is cruel but that's par for the course with this conservative-biased court. The other ruling concerns me and the rest of the Rainbow Connection - and has far reaching implications beyond us that should keep you up at night - which is that, essentially, businesses can discriminate against LGBTQIA+ individuals based on their religious beliefs.Now, the evangelical advocates who managed to get this cause before the high court are crowing that this decision cuts equally for all and that a person shouldn't have to perform activities that go against their ideology or beliefs. I really don't think they thought that through all the way, since many in the Alphabet Mafia are - some facetiously, some absolutely seriously - declaring that queer-run and queer-dedicated spaces should begin not catering to religious people or even heteros in general. And I can't blame them, that same sentiment is strong in me at the moment.The only catch there is that this country obviously has an overwhelming double standard, which is that those with deeply-held religious beliefs should be able to discriminate against others based on their ideology but should not be discriminated against themselves.A counter argument to this is that the notion I just laid out could be applied to me, as a queer person, as well.We, however, are two different animals.Those who lead their lives according to a religious belief are making a concerted choice to do so. I, and others, who are gay, bisexual, transgender, etc., etc., are not making a choice to be so: we cannot make a decision to be who we are. This is how the Lord - or whoever - made us. (Or no one at all, and this is just nature itself in it's glorious variance.)If you're a religious person, you choose to follow that faith. And you can opt to not do so. I can't wake up one day and decide that I don't want to be gay anymore. This is an immutable aspect of myself. I imagine there will be an opposing view for the evangelical set who would say that their faith is, indeed, somehow a part of themselves that cannot be undone, or something significantly righteous like that. Unfortunately that's just not factual, that's the reality they have constructed that is most definitely at odds with the rest of the world. So no, we are not the same, and you getting federal judicial approval to discriminate against me while I am, at this time, not allowed to do the same to you, is unequal and bigoted....I reread that section and thought of the faithful clutching their hands to their hearts and loudly declaring that they aren't a part of the world for that is what their God has told them in scripture. I generally recall such passages, even if I can't list them here. Don't forget I grew up in the church; I am a minister's grandchild; I am the son of a woman with a deep and abiding faith. And even with the love I have for where I've come from, that whole "be in the world but not part of it" bullshit is why religious fervor, in the Christian vein at least, is despised by everyone else. This superiority that Christianity places upon itself and imposes upon everyone else against their will never fails to get old incredibly fast.This is happening to us, of the Skittles Brigade. It will now open up the rest of you to the same discrimination and bigoted treatment, which black people, people of color, disabled people, and other groups have either experienced or have been anticipating as well. The wafer-thin separation of church and state wavers all the time, but sometimes I wonder if everyone realizes what lies beyond that fucked up Shroud of Turin. If you're not familiar with the work of Margaret Atwood, here would be a great incentive to dive into her oeuvre.It's just infuriating to constantly be something that a smaller and smaller minority find objectionable and in need of legislating in order to make them comfortable in any spaces, public or private. This ire grows even higher when set against the backdrop of good old fashioned American Rainbow Capitalism: businesses and organizations utilizing their association with the Alphabet Mafia to boost their sales. That ally-ship is a foundation built on the loosest of sands, as we all witnessed with Budweiser. A brand cemented a partnership with a trans woman with a viral TikTok following; received irrational backlash from the prayerful set; left the trans individual high and dry while they were subjected to dangerous vitriol and actual death threats; is now despised by both the left and the right, but will not suffer in the end because both sides will inevitably go back to their product eventually (they're bottom line truly has not been hurt in the least). That combined with judicial bigotry of the most supreme variety is just...disheartening.Wrath is the phase we jokingly talk about following Pride Month, but this year I almost wish there were a deadly sin encompassing sadness, or melancholy. I'm angry, don't get me wrong, but the deeper feeling is disappointment. "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed..." Ugh, that phrase from a parent could be utterly devastating when you were or are the right age.I'm disappointed; I feel let down. And at the moment, I'm not sure there's much that can be done to alleviate that.Maybe that's why we move to Wrath after Pride...like the aura of protection I mentioned earlier, getting mad is a defensive tactic not so much against what's causing the sadness but against the sadness itself. That weight can sink you so much faster than the injuries that are causing it. So we get mad, we get angry, in order to stay afloat, rally, and prepare our offense.Pride did, after all, begin as a riot. It wasn't a celebration, it was a fight for survival; an angry outcrying of pain and injustice. We'll do that again now, like those that came before us did.So yes, the rest of 2023 is officially Wrath Season. Gird your loins accordingly. Get and stay mad. Protect your peace. And, as I advocate for quite a lot, send nudes when and where you can.

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blog archives: may 2023

May 25, 2023: Starting Over AgainHi. Hello. How are you?...Why do new beginnings have to be so scary?
I imagine that they aren't for some people, maybe even most people. I know, though, that there are some kindred spirits out there who think change is one of the most frightening things in the world. Sharks? Meh. Heights? Easy. Change? No thank you.No matter how scary, sometimes we have to change things in order to bring about happiness, and as hard as it's been for me these past years I know that I'm doing the right thing by shaking up my life.Maybe I should explain...For most of the past decade, I worked as an administrative assistant at a local live theatre here in my hometown of Americus, Georgia. The Rylander Theatre is this amazing little jewel, a historic vaudeville theatre in south Georgia that was fully restored right around the time I was entering high school. (For the record, we're not discussing how long ago that was for my own happiness. You can check out info on the theatre's website.) I was a show choir nerd - a Glee kid before it was a thing - and we performed in the newly restored space. Then, when I was in college here at Georgia Southwestern State University, I was performing Shakespeare with my friends on that same stage, as well as playing pretend there over and over with the local community theatre, Sumter Players.Theatre has been a passion of mine since my high school days, and I legitimately thought that performing professionally, or even producing work on the administrative side of things, would be my long time career. Time, however, tends to reveal things about ourselves, both good and bad...Anxiety has always been a fact of my life that sat in plain view but went completely undiscussed and unexplored, and before I knew it it had become a crippling weight on my shoulders. Performing on stage has always been one of the most comfortable and natural things to me, but auditioning caused my body to literally malfunction due to my levels of anxiety. The same goes for any type of public speaking, it just turns me into a mess of flushed cheeks and a sick stomach. More and more I was realizing that I needed to face my anxiety and either work with it or try and defeat it.Then, COVID-19 happened. The pandemic upended everything: the theatre remained dark for a full year, and I worried every day about bringing it home to my parents who are of an age that made me terrified of them contracting the virus. That, however, ebbed and eased as we all worked out routines to deal with the new normal. It was when we started to attempt emerging from the lockdown mindsets that my breaking point finally emerged.As we got ready to reopen the theatre to patrons once again, I found myself constantly sick - quite literally sick - with worry. Why? To be quite honest, I didn't trust any of the people who might come through those doors. I had spent a year watching so many of the people I had grown up around and had been associating with exhibit behaviors and attitudes that ran against everything I believed in. More importantly to me, they just didn't take it seriously despite the high casualties we had all suffered and would continue to be dealt. I was scared to death about welcoming them back into what I had come to associate as my safe space, and that worry took a toll.Not a day will go by that I don't thank God (in whatever form they might exist) for my managing director: my boss, my friend and confidant. They saw through my new lack of energy and drive, my descent into communication radio silence, and my tangible worry and saw me suffering. I was pulled aside and given some much needed concerned attention, and went home for a number of days to decompress and find what was truly wrong and decide what I needed to try and alleviate it.A brief shout out to the inspirational woman that is my former boss: I know I went MIA once I left, but know that I miss you and Team RYL all the time. It's just shame that's kept me away. I'm so proud of you guys.The answer gained form and shape eventually, although it was one of the hardest decisions I've had to make thus far: I needed to leave. The comfort of routine and financial security were alluring, as well as the true bonds I had with the small but dedicated staff at the theatre. The truth couldn't be avoided, though. I was unhappy there. I had no true passion for what I was doing, and to compound matters my anxiety - both the run of the mill variety as well as my social anxiety - had reached a point where it was hindering me in any number of ways. I had to take a step back and both find ways to ease my anxiety and find a path which I could really sink my teeth into with passion.I wish I could say that it was an easy road once the big leap had been made, but the truth is these past few years have been some of the hardest of my life so far. I looked in a few different directions professionally, thinking this or that would be the right move, only to realize that focusing on the end result (financial stability) instead of the process (passion and happiness) left me feeling devoid of drive. I've faced my anxiety head on and worked to ease it, but then the cold fingers of depression dug into me and, honestly, still haven't let me go. Seeing job after job application go to someone else; watching my savings dwindle and disappear; finding myself becoming dependent on the charity of my parents, who have their own woes; these and more have sent me to very dark places lately.I'm not ever going to compare myself to those who have truly suffered in life, but I do feel like I've been lost in the wilderness for quite some time now. I'll find a stray ray of hope here and there, and before I know it it disappears behind the gloomy clouds again....Well, no more.I don't doubt that I'll still be struggling with my mental health - I'm such a paragon of wellness, aren't I? - but I simply refuse to stay mired down. So I'm going to focus on what I enjoy, and let that lead me to new horizons. I know that the following spark such joy in me:
- Playing well crafted video games
- Reading and writing amazing stories
- Watching fantastic movies, television, and theatre
- Listening to my favorite music
- Seeing brilliant art
So I'm going to focus on those things, and write my feelings on them for anyone to see. Maybe you'll agree and enjoy my musings, and maybe you'll disagree. Whichever comes to pass, I'm just glad if you come along the journey with me.And for the record: I'll be musing on anything and everything that strikes my fancy here in my little blog, and hopefully it won't all be morbid ruminations. I'd much rather spark conversation and even some laughs and smiles along the way, trust me....Even a few years in I'm still scared of this upheaval, but I'm looking ahead and seeing that light at the end of the tunnel we hear about so often. I choose to think it's some sunshine getting ready to burst through, and not an oncoming train. I've been through a few collisions already, I think I'm due a smooth ride eventually. Here's to us all being there for it together when it gets here.

May 30, 2023: Martyrs of the Race CourseHi. Hello. How are you?Another holiday weekend, come and gone. Those truly begin to lose any sense of importance when you're unemployed, by the way. You only tend to notice that they occurred when all your friends are still posting holiday snapshots to their Instagram on a Monday afternoon.Mondays are my time for scouring job applications, Karen. Shouldn't you be working instead of making my notifications blow up?...Oh, let me leave Karen alone for now.Memorial Day is always a lackluster concept in my mind, and I know saying that will get me a large amount of criticism. Let me go ahead and increase the indignation by saying I personally don't see why I should be celebrating our national military complex.I'll give you a moment to fume, it's alright.[ cut to me softly humming while filing my nails ]I really do need to get these professionally done soon...Anyway, welcome back. I will definitely say this: my feelings on the American fixation on military might (not to mention spending) are complicated, as I'm sure they are for others out there. I mean, I'm definitely not inclined in any way to place myself directly in harm's way due to a sense of protecting others and a general national identity. It's a giving of one's self and a sacrifice that can be incredibly noble.The flip side of that coin, however, is how many people throw themselves into those martial cogs for purely selfish reasons, not under some calling to a higher purpose. In this instance, I don't even mean "selfish" in a solely negative light, either. Self preservation can take many forms, and the American military offers up numerous incentives for joining their ranks. I can never blame someone for just wanting a way to support themselves and/or their family, or taking that route as a means of setting up their future opportunities.The way we fixate and worship the military complex in our country just upsets me in general, and makes it difficult for me look at days like this as anything other than cult ritual. (Take some time and look up how much America spends on their military, then check out the following 10 countries in decreasing order of spending from us and see if it doesn't make your jaw drop.) That's going to come off very aggressive, I know, but it's a visceral reaction to things like Memorial Day, Veterans Day, and Independence Day.I guess at the end of the day I'll be thankful someone else other than me is putting themselves up as a shield to protect my right to tear my life down and build it up anew. No matter the impetus, you - random rank and file solider - do something that, removed from the whole massive military mysticism surrounding you, is honorable. In losing your life in that endeavor, you deserve your flowers and your accolades for sure. I'm just not going to be waving flags for you anytime soon. It feels super, tremendously cringe to me....I will mention something that I recently discovered that intrigued me and actually did make me feel proud. The roots of Memorial Day date all the way back to the Civil War era, but an event considered to be the first observance of such a remembrance was held by and attended by a majority black congregation.Picture it: May 1, 1865. Charleston, South Carolina.A group of freed slaves and white missionaries came together and organized a commemoration of some 257 Union prisoners of war who had been held at - and died at - a former planter's racetrack. Some were killed by the Confederate army, many more had died of disease, and most all had been hastily buried in unmarked graves. The black residents of Charleston wanted to give them a proper burial. Graves were erected and arranged into rows, with a fence placed around them. The archway leading into the space was marked with the following words: Martyrs of the Race Course.Martyrs of the Race Course.
The simplicity that has.
The complexity that has.
The power that has.
[ chef's kiss ]A celebration of those countless men, and an honoring of their lives, was held by crowds of around 10,000 people, most of whom were black residents. (Those numbers come from coverage of the event by the Charleston Daily Courier and the New York Tribune during that time period.) Parades, sermons, songs, speeches: a sense of patriotism and reverence created by recently freed slaves and white abolitionists. It's an amazing piece of history that the majority of us don't even know exists. That omission is largely shouldered by white people then and later who didn't want people of color having control of that, or any, narrative.I think...I think that when I meditate on those that serve in the military, and those who perish in that service, I'll constantly think of the phrase Martyrs of the Race Course from now on. Men and women who choose to set themselves in this race that others with power - those distant from the sounds and sights of war - began. People who are somehow willing to give themselves up for a never-ending trial, seeking that elusive concept of "military might makes right." So many of them people of color...Seriously, I don't know which 19th century Charleston resident thought of that phrase but I want to shake their hand.

May 31, 2023: Zen and The Art of Touching GrassHi. Hello. How are you?I'd love to know how we let half the year pass by this damn fast. Anyone else feel like, especially in these past few years, time just possesses no meaning anymore? That or it chooses to do whatever it wants despite our concept of it.Well, my metaphysical issues with the calendar aside, the reason we have gathered together today is quite simple...This is an intervention. I have prepared some light refreshments for later, because I know this will be difficult, but this is for your own good.[ deep breath ]I'm just kidding. There's no trained therapist with me ready to do the difficult work with you, I promise. I did make some snacks, though, and you're more than welcome to them!I do, actually, think we all need to collectively take some deep breathes and "touch some grass." That's such a cringe cliché at this point, but the idea behind it remains solid no matter the veneer on it looks like.Aside from Millennials and Gen Z telling people to step back from the keyboard and literally take a walk outside, "touch some grass" basically is a way to tell someone they need to reevaluate their priorities. This is usually because they've exhibited some less than congenial behavior in their interactions with others.All of that can be condensed down to the idea that if a person is being either an overt or subtle douchebag, they should really shut up.I'm thinking of it because of Lizzo. I often find myself thinking of Lizzo, to tell you the truth. And as well I should! If you're not, I'd say you should make some space for it too.Lizzo is one of those individuals that garners extreme thoughts and opinions just by existing. I'm not sure that I'd like to be one of those people whose essence elicits such reactions. I'm pretty sure Lizzo would prefer not to be one of them either, most days.This woman actively works to promote self-love, acceptance, and above all else the embracing of joy. She does that for everyone! Your color or creed don't matter to Lizzo's mission because it should be applied to all. Yet people look at what she advocates - hell, they simply look at her - and they take umbrage. They do it loudly and without a second thought as to the ramifications of their word vomit....How often have you done that same thing? I'm not talking specifically in reference to Lizzo right now, just in general. How many times have you spouted off at the mouth, whether to a group of friends or on some social app? How many times have I done it? I can't really tally it all up but I guarantee it's more than I want to admit to publicly.We can get so self-assured of ourselves, we can become so damn brave when we disagree with something that goes against our core values. I'm doing exactly that right now, in a way. I am the pot calling the kettle black, but I'm also sitting the kettle down for a good moment of self-reflection and mediation. ...I am such a good person.The ferocity with which we can sling criticism at the slightest risk to the vision we have of ourselves, and the speed with which we do so, can be so staggering! No forethought, no preparation or consideration for consequences. Just full force forward with our opinions.In these instances that I'm alluding to there is such malice and vitriol involved, and for the life of me I don't understand why. Lizzo can catch flack for a number of things, but people will use those grievances and instead focus on something - her weight, most often - that's incredibly personal to her, launching attacks which will be labeled "legitimate criticism" by the keyboard warriors when they're called to task about it. How worn down she must feel by the constant barbs and slings tossed at her simply for being herself... How dejected and tired any of us would feel...I remember coming of age as I started college, thinking that to be gay meant that I had to have caustic quips ready to fling at a moment's notice. Somehow that was both my defense mechanism against hate and a defining characteristic that I needed to adopt. I've got some years between that me and current me, and I have to say I do not like how I looked, how any of us looked taking on that kind of persona.Lately I've been actively practicing the long forgotten ritual of giving grace when and where you can. It is not easy but I feel...I don't know, I just feel better. Better about myself, sure, but just better in a loose sense. I also find myself witnessing acts of pseudo-anonymous cruelty and I can't fathom it. I don't feel angry at it, necessarily. Sometimes I do depending on if the target is someone or something I hold very close to my heart, sure. Mostly, though, I just feel sorry for them. How wasteful it has to be to walk around thinking your caustic act is a useful and valuable treasure.[ cue a loud thud as my face hits the desk ]It's exhausting just ruminating on the subject. I am so incredibly tired now.I guess "touch some grass" may be cliché at this point but I really do think we'd all be better off if we practiced it more often. I'm admittedly not much of a get-out-in-nature person, though, so maybe if I just adopted some nice, hardy houseplants...You know what, I'll plan that all out later. For the time being, just go stream Lizzo's album "Special" and get yourself some happy. We've got plenty of time for the rest.

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